Jesus Wasn't Walkin' in These: The 5 Ugliest Yeezys Currently on the Market

Jesus Wasn't Walkin' in These: The 5 Ugliest Yeezys Currently on the Market

Why do we keep letting Kanye get away with this stuff? Why won't anyone stop him?

Kanye West at Milk Studios on June 28, 2016 in Hollywood, California. adidas and Kanye West announce the future of their partnership: adidas + KANYE WEST
Kanye West at Milk Studios on June 28, 2016 in Hollywood, California. adidas and Kanye West announce the future of their partnership: adidas + KANYE WEST
Photo: Jonathan Liebson (Getty Images)

In a world full of lies, this is the truth: Almost every pair of Yeezys is ugly.

Last Friday, The Root wrote about Kanye West filing a lawsuit over bootleg Yeezy Foam Runners manufactured by third-party sellers that have appeared in Walmart store shelves. This raises some very, very important questions:

1. Why would Kanye want to take ownership of those monstrosities? It’s bad enough that his name is attached to them, but filing a lawsuit over some Great Value brand knockoffs just seems like a battle that isn’t worth fighting.

2. Why would Walmart sell them? They don’t anymore, but why consider it?

3. WHO would buy those? Like, who looks at a pair of these shoes–knockoffs or not–and says to themselves “Yeah, I want to look like I have Megatron feet”?

4. Why do we keep letting Kanye Omari West get away with this?

Obviously, there is a very strong market for the Yeezy line as a whole. Bloomberg reported in March that West’s sneaker business with Adidas was valued at $3.2 billion. If you like Yeezys, and are one of the folks that helped make it a billion dollar brand, none of this is meant to be a knock against you or your personal tastes. You like what you like, and wear what you wear.

All I’m saying is, I personally don’t understand the appeal of Yeezys. Because, as mentioned before, many of them are ugly. Dictionary definition ugly. Quato from Total Recall ugly. “U-G-L-Y, they ain’t got no alibi” ugly.

That’s just the way it is.

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1. Yeezy Boost 750

1. Yeezy Boost 750

Kanye West, speculated to be wearing the Yeezy 3 sneakers ‘Yeezy 750 Boost’, arrives at the Roc Nation Pre-GRAMMY Brunch on February 7, 2015 i
Kanye West, speculated to be wearing the Yeezy 3 sneakers ‘Yeezy 750 Boost’, arrives at the Roc Nation Pre-GRAMMY Brunch on February 7, 2015 i
Photo: Valerie Macon (Getty Images)

I can’t lie, the 750 Boosts–which first dropped back in 2015–look extremely comfortable. Also, high-tops are almost always the wave because we gotta protect our ankles at all costs.

HOWEVER (said in the most extreme Stephen A. Smith voice), it doesn’t change the fact that they look like some boots that you’d make out of whatever material you can find if you were trapped in the jungle with no shoes. Just throwing all kinds of random patches and laces and whatnot solely to ensure that they don’t slide off when you run through a patch of mud.

Might as well be called the Gangrene Preventer 750s.

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2. Yeezy Foam Runners

2. Yeezy Foam Runners

YouTuber Brad Hall compares authentic Yeezy Foam Runners, left, to an approximately $20 pair of knockoffs (right).
YouTuber Brad Hall compares authentic Yeezy Foam Runners, left, to an approximately $20 pair of knockoffs (right).
Screenshot: Brad Hall (YouTube)

Crocs, despite the comfort they may provide, are widely mocked as some of the ugliest shoes ever created. The Yeezy Foam Runner has been described as a “futuristic Croc.” So, not only is it a pain to look at, but does that mean it’s also a sign of what fashion is going to look like in the year 3021? If so, I’m kind of glad I won’t be around to catch none of that nonsense.

Sorry to my future descendants, though.

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3. Yeezy Slides

3. Yeezy Slides

YouTuber Brad Hall breaks down 5 things to know about the Yeezy Slides.
YouTuber Brad Hall breaks down 5 things to know about the Yeezy Slides.
Screenshot: Brad Hall (YouTube)

I could get on here and make all of the jokes about how these look like the slippers they give you in prison, but the internet already has that pretty well covered–so I won’t do that. I will say this, though: The fact that they’re charging upward of $55 for these joints is an Amway-level okey-doke.

It’s been said that you can’t put a price on prestige, but not only should they in this case, but that price should also be 20 bucks cheaper.

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4. Yeezy 450 Cloud

4. Yeezy 450 Cloud

Seth Fowler reviews the Yeezy 450 Cloud sneakers on YouTube
Seth Fowler reviews the Yeezy 450 Cloud sneakers on YouTube
Screenshot: Seth Fowler (YouTube)

Dawg, what is this? What is this? It’s as if someone took a still photo of a dude wearing white socks and stepping into a puddle or alien symbiote or whatever else you can think of, passed it along to the folks over at Adidas, and were like “Make a shoe out of that.” The other colorways for these joints are just as tragic.

How you gonna make a shoe that looks like a cruller, @kanyewest?

Dunkin’ Donuts-ass sneaker.

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5. Yeezy 500 Blush

5. Yeezy 500 Blush

Seth Fowler reviews the Yeezy 500 Blush sneakers.
Seth Fowler reviews the Yeezy 500 Blush sneakers.
Screenshot: Seth Fowler (YouTube)

One time I found myself buying a pair of Nike Air Monarchs. I’m wildly flat-footed and needed a pair of shoes that provided the right amount of arch support for me and my extremely needy feet.

The Monarchs did the trick, and I enjoyed wearing them. That all changed when I went out to eat with a friend and saw a man in his late 50s, early 60s rocking a paid of the same pair of Air Monarchs that I had just bought.

That’s when I learned that they were dad shoes, and as we all know, the only people who think dad shoes are cool are dads.

The Yeezy 500s are just high-end dad shoes. Ugly but functional.

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