For over a decade, The Root has chronicled the Caucastic shenanigans of our melanin-deficient counterparts. While the 2018 Tournament of Wypipo marks the second time we have officially held this competition, our community has a long history of ranking and judging wypipo.
In 1798, Cleotis Banneker became the first black man to organize a ranking system for the worst of the whites when he listed, in reverse order, which person on the Jefferson plantation gave the worst slave whippings.
In 1831, Nat Turner used this method during his slave revolt to advise his cohorts which slave masters to kill first. Some scant 24 years later, Nathaniel Bedford Forest would claim victory in a straw poll as the worst white man in the world after leading a ragtag group of racists around to disarm newly freed slaves. In the intervening years since the Ku Klux Klan took that unofficial 1865 descendant of the World Wypipo Tournament, we have been trying to organize this celebrated event.
Remember, Donald Trump is not eligible for this tournament. It’s not that we think he’d get Russian bots to infiltrate our tournament. It’s just that allowing Donald Trump into this competition would be like allowing Serena Williams to play tennis against scrawny, white women who—wait, that’s a bad example. Allowing Donald Trump to compete would be like putting a police officer with a gun, a taser, pepper spray and a gun against an unarmed black man and...
OK, maybe I’m bad at this analogy thing.
Last year, White Allies took home the title in the first sanctioned competition. This year, we again selected 64 participants who earned their way into the tournament with hard work, dedication and—most of all—whiteness. A committee composed of some of the foremost wypipologists in the world ranked them in four divisions:
- Police Callers: Wypipo who call the police on black people
- Official White People: Includes elected officials or people who work in a governmental capacity.
- Public Displays of Whiteness: Celebrities or people who became celebrities by doing something very racist or stupid.
- Businesses/Groups/Organizations: These are ... did you even read the category title, bruh?
Here are the first-round matchups:
Police Callers Division
The first tournament matchup pits one of the pioneers of the police-calling movement against one of the lesser-known methods of police calling.
While Jennifer Schulte certainly isn’t the first white woman to call 911 on a black person, she gained the nickname “BBQ Becky” along with instant fame when she called the cops on a black family having a cookout in Oakland, Calif. While some may say her popularity got her the No. 1 seed in the tournament, I can personally attest to all the hours Jenny put in practicing her dialing technique.
Plus, who gets mad at a cookout?
Jenny from the Blocked Number faces the purely white prank of calling emergency services and convincing them to send the Special Weapons and Tactics unit to someone’s house. Only white people can think that sending the combination of dumb, overaggressive policemen and armed-to-the-teeth soldiers to someone’s house is some kind of joke. Nightclub mixed-martial artist Chris Brown and R&B singer Tariq Nasheed have both been victims of swatting pranks.
This team is composed of all the white women who call the police on black people doing something without a permit including cooking out, selling hot dogs or even selling water. And I know, technically BBQ Becky is a Permit Patty, but ... Why are you always bringing up old shit?
The Patty Patrol faces the man at a Pennsylvania golf club who called the police on a group of black women playing golf. This may be my toxic masculinity speaking, but I don’t know if there is anyone I’m less afraid of than a person playing golf.
Then again, I’m not white.
Sarah Braasch called the police on a black woman for sleeping. She also called the police on a black man for being lost. Both black people were students at Yale. To be fair, Yale is known for harboring notorious black thugs like Angela Bassett and Cory Booker.
Sarah faces off against Depressed Debbie, a white woman who called the cops because a group of black people at her apartment complex’s swimming pool wouldn’t talk to her on her birthday. I’m with Debbie. I’m pretty sure that’s against the law.
Apparently, white people believe they can “catch the black” by swimming in the same water with black people because they have become very protective of their pools. First, there was Paul Blart Pool Cop, who wanted to see a woman’s identification before allowing her to swim in the neighborhood pool. Then there was Pool Patrol Patty. And Swimming Sheriff Susie. And Muslim-Hating Miranda. And Rebecca the Racist Lifeguard. Seriously, white people. You guys have to stop doing this. It’s not the racism that bothers us. It’s just that we’re running out of nicknames.
And also, it’s the racism.
But the white people who come to the tournament straight from the pool, wet hair and all, square up against people who are so protective of their neighborhoods they’ve called the cops on black people for walking dogs, renting Airbnbs, walking with their child in the park and inspecting a home in their neighborhood.
Nikki Yovino falsely accused 2 black men of rape. Then she accused the cops of lying on her about falsely accusing two black men of rape. Then she lied about that lie. Finally, she pleaded guilty. The men she accused were pressured into leaving college and giving up their athletic scholarships.
For all her lies, Yovino was sentenced to spend one year in prison.
White cashiers love calling the cops on black people. “Coupon Carl” summoned the police to a CVS because he thought a black woman was trying to use the wrong coupon. A Hobby Lobby employee called the cops on a man for trying to return an item. A Dollar General cashier called the cops on someone for using a digital coupon. Not to mention the Starbucks employee or the woman in a Washington state clothing store who began reading the store’s theft policy outside the dressing room of two customers who were trying on clothes.
Apparently white people are very protective of their in-store discounts.
This one is easy. Is it worse to have someone call the cops on you while you’re eating, like what happened at an Ohio Bahama Breeze, at Applebees or to The Root’s Deputy Managing Editor Yesha Callahan?
Or is it worse to have the cops called on you for trying to help a political candidate get elected like what happened with students canvassing in Georgia or a legislator campaigning in Oregon?
I am not trying to influence the vote. I’m just saying ... Yesha do be tripping sometimes.
When a white girl called the cops on four black teenagers, the boys were handcuffed, searched and had guns pointed at them for playing in a park. The girl was never found even after she lied on the kids, telling the emergency operator that the teens were armed.
But Holly Hylton, a Philadelphia Starbucks manager called the police on two black men for simply waiting. How much more passive can one be than to wait?
The seeding doesn’t even matter here because it’s one of the toughest matchups in the entire tourney.
On one side, we have the Catholic priest who summoned police and kicked a black family out of the church. Oh, wait ... Did I mention it was during a funeral?
God’s servant faces off against Breana Rachelle Harmon, who was raped and tortured by three fictional black men setting off a manhunt, only to yell “sike” three days later. She was sentenced to zero days in prison.
Official White People Division
According to the Washington Post database, police have killed 1,008 people since the end of last year’s tournament. proving hard work and dedication can get you anywhere.
And a gun.
And immunity from prosecution.
But mostly hard work and determination.
Karen Peconi, the mayor of Arnold, Pa., on the other hand, took to Facebook to says she wished cops would attack protesters and spray them with water cannons like the police did in the 1960's civil rights movement.
The battle of the lackeys! Can Sarah Huckabee Sanders lie her way out of the first round? Can Mike Pence even go into the second round without his wife’s permission? It’s up to you!
If a Keebler had a child with a ferret, and that child left the family’s cookie-baking fortune behind to go to law school, become a senator and eventually head the Justice Department, I’d still like the KKK ferret more than I like Jeff Sessions.
But Rep. Steve King (R-Hades) said publicly that white people made everything good in the world. Maybe Steve King only likes racism, polka music and autoerotic asphyxiation.
Kirstjen Neilsen was in the room when Trump allegedly called Haiti a “shithole country.” Then she lied about it in front of Congress, which is allegedly how she got the job as the head of the Department of Homeland Security, making her responsible for the policy that rips brown babies out of their mothers’ arms and puts them in concentration camps.
But she is also rumored to be the person who kicked Omarosa out of the White House.
Mitch McConnell is another Trump apologist but we can’t forget that he led the effort to deny Barack Obama’s Supreme Court nominee a seat on the court. We also can’t forget that he looks like a turtle.
I swear I didn’t plan this matchup, but it is easy to figure out. All you have to decide is which one is more responsible for Donald Trump becoming president: Vladimir Putin’s Russian hacking and election meddling or Paul Manfort, Trump’s campaign manager?
While the horse-riding, Confederate-loving, alleged teenage-chasing Senate candidate seems like the natural choice here, Roy Moore has never used the word “nigger” in public like former Georgia State Rep. Jason Spencer did on Sasha Baron Cohen’s Showtime series Who Is America.
And in Moore’s defense, he wanted to date the high-schoolers he chased when he was in his 30s, not just have one-night stands. See … he’s just a romantic.
When Terra Morehead was called the “evilest white woman on Earth, Homeland Security had not yet started snatching babies from their mothers’ arms and throwing the kids into camps where they were drugged without the parents’ consent and sexually assaulted.
Morehead created evidence out of thin air to send Lamont McIntyre to prison for two decades. Homeland Security wants to ban Muslims, oust immigrants and build a wall. Morehead coerced false testimony to send Gregory Orozco to jail. DHS has a secret report on the dangers of mythical Black Identity Extremists called the “Race Paper” that it refuses to share.
I’m just glad I don’t have to choose.
Which is worse, a coward or a liar?
Paul Ryan is a coward. He asked Maxine Waters to apologize for telling people to fight back against the racist Trump administration but dodged questions when confronted about Trump’s “both sides” white supremacist comments. He didn’t condemn Trump’s “shithole country” remark. He was supposed to be a boy-genius budget wonk, but passed the Republican tax bill that will give tax cuts to the wealthy and increase the national debt. Then he announced that he is quitting.
John Kelly is a liar. He lied on Fredericka Wilson. He lied on fallen soldier La David Johnson’s widow. He lied about White House aide Rob Porter’s domestic abuse charges. He even lied about what caused the Civil War. Then he lied about knowing whether his lies were actually lies.
Remember, this is a single elimination tournament decided by the public, so if you don’t vote, don’t complain.
Get your friends to vote. Argue in the comment section. Create a cheer for your favorite team (I’m supposed to be objective but I do hate Terra Morehead, so... I’m pulling for her). Make sure you come back tomorrow for the other half of the first round matchups. First round voting ends at 11:59 on Thursday!
Let the games begin!