Shayne Holland
Screenshot: WRT-TV

It’s officially the summer, so you know what that means: the beginning of cop-calling season.

I know they have been calling the cops all year, but those white-people workouts were actually just tattletale training camps and off-season snitching sessions. Now that black people will start swimming and holding barbecues, the real games begin.

In the latest edition of “black people can’t do shit without white people calling the police on them,”(which would be a hit on Fox News) an Indianapolis man claims that he was singled out and confronted by #SwimmingSheriffSusie, an off-duty police officer who, along with the property manager, asked the man to leave.

I know. I know. The caucasity-audacity is rampant in these two.

According to WRTV-TV, Shayne Holland was chilling at the River Crossing Apartments pool when he was approached by the woman who was taking her job of patrolling the pool to ensure that black men weren’t contaminating the water with blackness way too seriously.

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“She didn’t introduce herself, she didn’t say hello,” Holland told the news station. “She says, ‘Do you live here?’ I’m like, ‘Yes, I live here, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t live here.’”

That didn’t stop #SwimmingSheriffSusie, whom Holland would later learn was an off-duty police officer, from harassing him. Holland claims that the woman wanted to know where he lives.

“I’m like, ‘I live over there, but if you’re asking me for my address, I mean, I don’t feel comfortable giving you my entire address without knowing who you are,’” Holland said.

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Raw Story notes that “Holland showed the woman his key fob, which he used to enter the pool area and she grabbed it from his hand.”

I know that at this point you think #SwimmingSheriffSusie is diving off the deep end, but you’d be wrong. Apparently, there’s been a rash of black men in Indianapolis creating pool key cards that they then use to steal pool time and white people’s sunshine.

The property manager reportedly walked onto the scene and, while she didn’t recognize Holland, she clearly recognized #SwimmingSheriffSusie and decided to team up with the off-duty cop-turned-safety-patrol officer to ask Holland to leave.

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“Honestly, I don’t want to jump to racism,” Holland said. “I don’t want to say she just pointed me out because I’m the only black dude in the pool, but that was the case.”

Ummm ... I think Holland might be on to something here.

Holland merely wants an apology from both #SwimmingSheriffSusie and the apartment manager. I also want Holland to accept this apology in the form of a lawsuit and cash.

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“If you need to have somebody make sure that it’s safe and make sure that there are not too many people that don’t live at the pool, I don’t mind that,” he said. “Just let me know that. I don’t think that they did that and I think that could have solved it.”

In all fairness, I understand why white people are so protective of their water. When I was in my late teens, I was jumped into a swimming-pool gang that terrorized the entire mid-Atlantic region by breaking into pools in white neighborhoods and abducting white people’s joy. You probably heard of the D.C. Sniper and the Subway Flasher, but you probably don’t know about the D.C. Splasher.

That was me.

Thank God there are heroes like #SwimmingSheriffSusie who have dedicated themselves to never letting this happen again.