We’d like to welcome you to the fifth annual Wypipo Awards.
After years of whining that the BET Awards, the NAACP Awards and The Root 100 are inherently racist because they are limited to black people, we created these awards. Our founder, Mr. Y.P. Pull—who made his fortune building desalinization plants that take the salt out of white tears and then use them to irrigate kale farms—started this annual festival of accolades to honor the fragile and unheralded race of people who barely manage to win the majority of Oscars, Grammys, Emmys, Nobel Prizes and Darwin Awards.
White people hate being left out.
According to them, all exclusively black events are racist. They forget why HBCUs, black Greek-letter organizations and cookouts were invented in the first place—because white people excluded us. But, in an effort to appease our unsalted brethren and sisters, we impaneled a group of experts on white people that includes:
- Innovators: Carla Wyatt, the Popeyes Chicken executive who nervously asked the groundbreaking question during her first day on the job: “What if we seasoned our sandwiches?”
- Business leaders: Dr. Tyrone Stanley, who may have saved his employers from making a billion-dollar mistake when he insisted that the company’s plans for “Irish Spring Leg Wash” was a bad idea.
- Artists: Frankie Beverly, a little-known frontman for an up-and-coming band white people never heard of.
- Inventors: James H. Franklin of Cutmasterz Barber Shop in Memphis, Tenn. James created the “All Lives Matter” haircut when Ben Carson sat down in his chair and asked for a style that made him look “more Republican.”
- Wypipologists: Michael Harriot, who reframed the conversation on genetic disabilities with his doctoral thesis: Rhythmless Nation: An Examination of Clapping in the Caucasian Community.
Instead of focusing on 2019, this year’s awards will honor the best and whitest from 2010-2019. And no, this is not racist...
We’re rooting for everybody white.
Here are the nominees and winners:
White Tears Award:
- Jennifer Schulte: BBQ Becky called the police on a black family barbecuing in an Oakland Park and then cried enough white tears to extinguish the California wildfires.
- Brett Kavanaugh: His tears were the lubricant that helped him slide into the Supreme Court.
- Abigail Fisher: Even though white women are the biggest beneficiaries of affirmative action, Fisher sued the University of Texas for discriminating against her, proving that “mediocrest” is, in fact, a real word.
- Tucker Carlson: Tucker Carlson’s White Nationalist Power Hour is basically an hour of him whining about how white people aren’t “designed” to live around immigrants; why white men don’t get enough credit, the impending white genocide and how diversity makes us weaker.
And the Winner Is: White Men
White men are now alleging that they are being oppressed because they are white men, even alleging that “‘straight white male’ has become this century’s n-word.” I know it sounds stupid but I refuse to disparage this downtrodden group until I walk a mile in their boat shoes. I humbly offer myself as a victim of the system that allows them to control all three branches of the federal government, 95 percent of Fortune 500 companies, media, finance, school funding, and the criminal justice system. No matter what happens during this harrowing experiment...
I promise not to cry.
Family of the Decade
- The Huckabees: After spending time as chief designated liar of the Trump administration and Satan’s spokesperson, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is looking to continue her father Mike Huckabee’s legacy as Governor of Arkansas.
- The Trumps: Ivanka, the privileged one; Donald Jr., the stupid one; Eric, the useless one; Tiffany, the forgotten one, and Melania, the oblivious one. They’re like the Munsters, but scarier.
- Koch Brothers: If you ever wondered where the villains in superhero movies acquire funding for their wicked plans...those evil plots were made possible by a generous donation from the Koch brothers.
- The Pauls: Ron Paul was kind of a principled prick. Unfortunately, he passed his prick genes to his son Rand. But what do you expect from a motherfucker named “Rand?”
And the Winner Is: The Kardashians
Reggie Bush’s knee, Pepsi’s “All Colas Matter” campaign, Tristan Thompson’s reputation, Kris Humphries’ career, Lamar Odom’s Viagra and crack cocktail recipe, black designers’ creations, Kanye’s sanity, and the anonymity of Ray J’s penis all suffered from the Kardashian curse.
I’ve been trying to hook Khloe up with Stephen A. Smith’s larynx, to no avail.
Becky of the Decade:
- Kim Kardashian: The only Becky allowed to wear blackface.
- Ivanka Trump: Ivanka Trump has made a lucrative career out of being Donald Trump’s daughter.
- Melania Trump: I would say something about how she plagiarized Michelle Obama but I’m trying to “Be Best.”
- Lena Dunham: Lena Dunham’s white privilege makes Ivanka Trump’s privilege look like Kim Kardashian’s talent. “I can’t wait for the next Lena Dunham project,” said no one ever.
And the winner Is: Rachel Dolezal
O’Comeon Mahalia Sarafina Laquisha Dolezal is the child of poor black sharecroppers who marched with Martin Luther Vandross during the Civil War movement of the 1960s. After attending a predominately white college, N’Becca began a career in activism by simply declaring she was black, which is the greatest white woman move of all time. Like Angela Davis, Assata Shakur and other black women who fought the system, Dolezal was unjustly jailed for tax fraud.
As she famously said: “I freed a thousand slaves. I could’ve freed a thousand more if only I had known white people weren’t slaves.”
Worst New Wypipo
- Brian Kemp: The Wizard of Voter Suppression managed to steal an election without the help of Russians, a Ukranian investigation or the electoral college. He could teach Trump a thing or two.
- Tomi Lahren: I don’t know if Jesus is black or if God is a man, but I’m pretty sure that Satan is a white woman named Tomi. In ancient Caucasian, “Tomi” translates to: “She who vomits hate.” “Lahren” means: “Shit for brains.”
- Betsy DeVos: Aside from her brief tenure as Wicked Witch of the East, Betsy DeVos has no government experience in education or any other field. She has never even attended a public school.
- Roy Moore: If Roy Moore comes around, hide your kids and hide your wife!*
*Unless, of course, your wife and kids have completed middle school, in which case, you’re fine.
And the Winner Is: William Barr
Attorney General Bill Barr heads the Department of Justice, despite displaying a clear disdain for justice. And departments. Barr has subverted any and all attempts at holding Trump responsible for breaking the law, just as he did during his previous cabinet position as Master of Whisperers in the Targaryen administration.
Best Wypipo-ing By a Duo or Group
- The NFL: For whiteballing Colin Kaepernick
- Fox News: For whitewashing the news
- The NRA: For being the gun industry’s white savior
- The Trump Administration: For making America white again
And the Winner Is: White Women
This was a great decade for white women. They helped elect a president and then helped stage the largest demonstration in history to protest that election. They criticized Beyoncé for her blackness and not cleaning up behind them but praised Nazi mascot Taylor Swift for saving democracy.
They fought against vaccinations, illegal cookouts and black people lingering in coffee shops. They advocated for their own safety while simultaneously siccing the cops on black people. They yelled the n-word at children and adults alike.
White women have always been the second biggest threat to freedom and equality. If they weren’t so complicit in upholding the institutions of white supremacy, we could easily dismantle it.
Whitest Thing That Happened this Decade
- Charlottesville, Va.: There were good people on both sides. Say what you will, but those people on the racist side were very good at Nazi-ing.
- The All-White Slave Musical: But if Disney casts a black woman as the Little Mermaid...
- White people protesting by destroying their own stuff: White people burned their Nikes, smashed their coffee machines, destroyed their Alexas and burned their LeBron jerseys in protest.
- White Halloween Parties: I can understand why white people don blackface and attend their local Halloween party. What I can’t understand is why they take pictures and post them on the internet.
And the winner Is: The 2016 election
After eight years of an intelligent, scandal-free, capable president who spoke in complete sentences and knew how weather maps work, white people decided that they wanted another person of color in the White House, so they elected the first tangerine president.
But it wasn’t just the election that wins, it’s that white people were genuinely shocked when Donald Trump banned Muslims, kicked out immigrants, spewed hate and ripped the Constitution to shreds after he campaigned on a platform of banning Muslims, kicking out immigrants, hate and ripping the Constitution to shreds
Movement of the Decade
- ___ Lives Matter: White, Blue, All... They were rooting for everybody who wasn’t black.
- Alt-Right: Or, as I call them: “Racists in suits.”
- It’s OK to Be White: When wasn’t it?
- Reverse racism: Reverse racism doesn’t exist. OK... Theoretically, Superman can fly really fast in the opposite direction of the earth’s rotation and see racism in reverse. But that’s the only case.
And the Winner Is: Calling the Police on Black People
There are no available statistics on whether white people are starting to call the police more often or if they are just caught on camera more frequently. Anecdotal evidence suggests that this was the best year for police calls since the telegraph became popular in the 1830s and police departments across America started receiving morse code text messages about runaway slaves.
In a Ceremony Held Earlier...
- Foreign Wypipo of the Decade: Vladimir Putin - Donald Trump’s benefactor.
- Whitest Song: “September” by Taylor Swift - Rumor has it that her next album will contain a banjo version of George Clinton’s “Flashlight.”
- Whitest Movie: Joker - It’s the origin story for every white mass shooter.
- Whitest Television Show: A Handmaid’s Tale - A show about a woman who is ripped away from her family and forced into a lifetime of slow, lingering close-ups of her about to cry. And slavery. And the master forces her to have sex. And sometimes she has to work in the kitchen. And there’s a secret, underground railroad to the North. It’s a uniquely brilliant original idea.
- Whitest place: Alabama - Abortion bans, an accused child molester for Senate, a white nationalist Attorney General, a governor who wears blackface, Confederate statues, police shootings, segregation, and hosting Trump’s “son of a bitch” rant against NFL players helped Alabama secure this award for the 213th year in a row.
Best Supporting Wypipo
- Stephen A. Smith: Even though he receives no support from his hairline, ESPN’s loudest and highest-paid shuck-and-jiver couldn’t wait to publicly castigate Colin Kaepernick.
- Kanye West: MAGA hats make him feel like Superman, which makes me wonder if his Sunday Services are specifically focused on White Jesus.
- Candace Owens: If Stephen A. Smith had a child with Tomi Lahren...
- Steve Harvey: Maybe his talk show wouldn’t have gotten canceled if he didn’t sleep so much.
And the Winner Is: Free Thinkers
Here is every conversation from a black conservative:
“The Democratic party has black people fooled and keeps you on the plantation waiting for handouts while your black leaders profit from race-baiting and aborting your babies, unlike white Republicans who race-bait and give handouts to corporations. If only black people would pull up their pants, stop using the n-word, educate themselves and pull themselves up by the bootstraps I bought when I was not listening to rap music and spending my money on Jordans, they could succeed just like the mediocre white boys who listen to rap, bought their way into college and pulled themselves up by their great grandparents’ bootstraps.”
These people aren’t thinking for themselves. They’re just infected with so much internalized self-loathing that they believe white people really know what’s best for black people and every black person in the world is too dumb to comprehend our needs.
The problem with free thinkers is that, for them, “free” means “white.”
Most Improved Wypipo
- Shepard Smith: The only kinda decent guy at Fox News left after running out of ways to make the Trump administration look good.
- Nancy Pelosi: She sonned Donald Trump all year.
- Justin Amash: Justin Amash left the Republican party because they were acting like Republicans.
- John McCain: John McCain hasn’t done a whole lot lately. His independence and conviction grow comparatively more legendary in comparison with today’s Republicans. Objectively, he is still trash, though.
And the Winner Is: Snitches
Remember when they used to get stitches? This dumpster fire of a presidential administration now has everyone cheering for whistleblowers, anonymous Trump administration officials, wiretaps, porn stars who kiss and tell, Special Counsel investigators, the former head of the FBI, Trump’s co-conspirator Michael Cohen and secretly recorded phone calls.
We still don’t fuck with Omarosa, though.
Lifetime Achievement Award: The Republican Party
The party of Lincoln is now the party of corporate greed, xenophobia, homophobia, inequality and white supremacy.
The vast majority of Asian Americans, Hispanics and black people lean toward the Democratic Party. Tim Scott (R-S.C.) is the only black Republican in the Senate, and Will Hurd, the only black Republican in the House of Representatives announced that he will not seek re-election.
GOP members remain silent on hate crimes, gun violence, income inequality, right-wing extremism, global warming, emoluments and foreign interference in our elections. They have chosen the side of corruption, voter suppression, greed, corporations, pollution and the slow dismantling of the Constitution. They don’t give a damn what anyone does to America...
Until someone kneels during the national anthem.
That just burns their Nikes.
Wypipo of the Decade: Donald Trump
Was there even a question?
Like this country, Donald Trump is a mirage. His greatness is a figment of a collective white imagination that envisions a bright, shining star where there is only a dumpster fire.
He is a first-rate con artist. He is a counterfeit, autocratic dullard impersonating a commander in chief. He is every white foot that has ever been placed on a black neck. He is hate personified and incompetence exemplified. He is the imbecilic farce of a white man convinced of his own supremacy.
Yet, he remains.
Like “racial resentment.” Like the electoral college. Like the two-party system. Like the 53 percent. Like white supremacy and black oppression. Like hate. Like injustice. Like apathy. Like rage. Like us.
Like the masses’ unrelenting adoration for this beloved, blessed, once-great thing called America.