The Liberty Hound via YouTube screenshot

On Tuesday night, Tucker Carlson—the political pundit, professional white person and proof that “mediocre-est” is a word—tipped the Las Vegas betting odds in his favor on which Fox News personality will eventually kick off the race war when he jump-started a new beef with MSNBC’s Joy-Ann Reid by saying that her “entire public career has been built on race-baiting.”

Wait ... you guys didn’t know that you could place a wager on which Fox News host was going to start the race war? You know that’s the only reason Fox News is on the air, right? Yeah! It’s not a news channel. It’s just an extended pregame show for the upcoming race war Rupert Murdoch has been trying to jump-start since the Nixon administration. I lost a lot of loot last year betting on Bill O’Reilly, and the smart money is still on Sean Hannity, but Tucker Carlson is coming on strong in 2018.

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He kicked the year off by coming after The Root for our mistreatment of the disenfranchised Caucasian majority, and after watching the clips of him whining about how we have besmirched the pristine reputation of white America, I humbly apologized on behalf of our entire staff (except Deputy Managing Editor Yesha Callahan. She might actually be racist. We have an independent counsel investigating the matter).

[Editor’s note: I’d like to clarify that I’m not racist; I hate all people equally ... especially men with swoop bangs. —Yesha]

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After trying to play P. Diddy and trying to turn The Root into Death Row, the sentient packet of Hellmann’s Mayonnaise took to the air to defend Donald Trump’s shithole comments by telling ProsperoLatino CEO José Parra—who was President Barack Obama’s Latino communications adviser for the 2012 re-election campaign—that “Trump said something almost every person in America agrees with.” Notwithstanding the fact that “almost every person in “America” (pronounced “cock-agents”) once agreed with slavery, segregation and Jim Crow, I had to admit that Carlson’s comments moved him ahead of Laura Ingraham and Jean Pirro on the race-war-starter leaderboard.

A few days later, when Chicago Alderman George Cardenas called him out on his racism, Carlson melted down into a puddle of urine and skin bronzer, screaming: “You know what? Up yours!”

But when Joy Reid came at Tucker with actual facts after Carlson invited anti-immigrant Canadian immigrant Mark Steyn on his show to rant about Hispanics turning Arizona into North Mexico, and asked another guest, “How many big tech companies were started by people from Central and South America?” Carlson could only resort to the tried-and-true tactic of “I know you are, but what am I?”

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On her show, AM Joy, Reid invited Jennifer Mendelsohn on to talk about her research into the family history of prominent immigration foes. Mendelsohn revealed that Carlson’s great-great-grandfather emigrated from Switzerland to America because of the Swiss economy and bleak moneymaking prospects, and Reid accused Carlson of having a “blatantly white nationalist view of what immigration should look like.”

Tucker wasn’t having that shit. He dug into his bag of facts and emerged with a rebuttal that amounted to “I’m rubber, you are glue ... ”

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Kicking off his argument with the lie that he is at war with “proponents of open borders,” the expert squinter went on to explain how “Reid’s entire public career has been built on race-baiting.” (Calling opponents of Trump’s ethnic cleansing plan “proponents of open borders” is like calling pro-choice advocates “baby-murderers” … oh, wait. They actually do that.)

“Reid can’t explain why this country so badly needs to import millions of additional poor people,” he added. “Nobody on the left can explain that because there’s no real answer, so they attempt to short-circuit the conversation with slurs.”

I have to side with Tucker on this one. There is absolutely no reason for Reid to call Tucker a “white nationalist,” except for the fact that Carlson repeatedly invites white nationalists on to demonize immigrants of color, espouses white nationalist views (because he never talks about white immigrants like his great-great-granddaddy or the aforementioned Canadian immigrant) and bellows the white nationalist talking point about America’s “identity.”

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So aside from the fact that Tucker fits the definition of white nationalism, Reid must be “race-baiting.” Now that I think about it, I’m putting all of my bitcoins on Tucker Carlson to wave the green flag at the race war. Maybe you should, too.

You can take that to the bank because, according to Tucker Carlson, I’m a racist.

Trust me, he would know.