Welcome back to day 2 of the 2018 World Wypipo Tournament!
If you haven’t filled out your ballot for the first half of your bracket, there’s still time to fill them out here. Polls for the first round close at 11:59 p.m. on Thursday and the second round begins on Friday morning.
Here is the full bracket:
As always, we remind you that this poll has absolutely nothing to do with white people. This year, our panel of experts selected the most Caucastic Americans that we could find in four categories: official white people, police-callers, public displays of whiteness and organizations officially sanctioned by WTF—the White Tears Foundation.
While these people have earned their way into our single-elimination tournament, it is up to you to decide who survives and advances. Here are the remaining competitors for the first round:
Public Displays of Whiteness
During the Unite the Right Rally in Charlottesville, Va., a group of white supremacists assaulted Deandre Harris with sticks and poles, leaving him bloody and beaten. While the act might seem extremely brutal, the president of the United States warns you not to vote until you understand that there were good people on both sides.
The Nazi henchmen face off against “SLAV: The Musical,” a show directed by a white man featuring a white woman singing slave songs. Betty Bonifassi, the star of the show that debuted at the Montreal Jazz, explained: “Do we have the right to tell these stories? Audience members will have the opportunity to decide after having seen the show.”
However, we have worked out a deal with the producers, so even if you haven’t seen the show, you are still allowed to vote here.
Tucker Carlson started a beef with The Root this year. He also explained why white people aren’t “designed” to live around immigrants and tried his best to start a race war. Although it seems like this would make him a favorite, he is competing against Christopher Cantwell, an actual Nazi who broke down in tears when he was arrested at the Unite The Right Rally in Charlottesville, Va.
Apparently, he can well .... up with tears.
Michael Rapaport is the embodiment of wypipo, but he faces a tough opening round challenge from the family of Keaton Jones, the kid who gained instant celebrity when his video about being bullied went viral, only to find out that his dad was a white supremacist and his mother was a Confederate flag-lover.
Can Michael Rapaport’s blaccent and constant degrading of black women take him over the top? It’s up to you.
In one of the most-anticipated matchups of Beckies in tournament history, Tomi Lahren faces off against Brianna Brochu. Since our last tournament, Lahren insulted Wale, Alaska Airlines, Colin Kaepernick and Maxine Waters (twice). But after Brianna Brochu smeared feces and bodily fluids on her college roommate’s belongings (including the woman’s toothbrush), not only did Brochu escaped punishment, she won’t even have the offense appear on her criminal record.
Matthew Heimbach was arguably the biggest white supremacist leader of 2017-2018. People from his Traditionalist Workers Party stabbed people in Sacramento, Calif.; organized a “White Lives Matter” rally in Tennessee; assaulted a woman at a Trump rally in Kentucky and headlined a trailer-park brawl in Indiana.
Richard Spencer was kind of quiet this year. He was kicked off Facebook lost his Twitter verification and a Washington, D.C. area farm. Still, since last year he has spoken at 11 different colleges and made tiki torches a white supremacist symbol. While he had a slow year, the Kardashians wore blackface, dressed as Aaliyah for Halloween, invented cornrows, stole a black designer’s ideas (again) and finessed their way into the Fortune list with no documentation.
Sean Hannity is Trump’s No. 1 defender. Laura Ingraham is LeBron James’ No. 1 detractor. Ingraham told LeBron to “shut up and dribble” and insulted the Parkland, Fla. students for their work in gun reform.
When it comes to the public displays of whiteness, who did it best? Was it Papa John Schnatter, who hated on NFL protesters and dropped the n-bomb during a company call about sensitivity training? Or was it Aaron Schlossberg, the Manhattan attorney who threatened to call ICE on workers in a deli? I guess it depends on whether you prefer your racism with pepperoni or you like yours kosher.
Businesses, Organizations and Groups
The National Rifle Association is the marketing arm of the gun industry that funnels wheelbarrows full of payoff funds to politicians who protect America’s insane gun laws. It seems like they have an easy matchup over L.A. Fitness, who called the police on a black man for having the audacity to exercise in their gym and summoned the police on a different man at a different location for “fitting the description” of a thief.
It doesn’t matter who wins, we still get to see guns.
Next, we have the National Football League facing people who see racism right in front of their eyes and don’t do anything about it. These two competitors are a lot alike. They both pretend inequality and injustice don’t exist. Both get uncomfortable when facing questions about race. And neither would never say anything bad about Donald Trump.
So who’s worse, Roger Goodell or Paul Ryan? White people who won’t speak up about racism or the corporation that bans speaking up about racism? People who pretend to see no evil or people who are actually evil?
These two teams are difficult to tell apart. Fox News wants America to believe it is “fair and balanced” just because they say it, which is the same as people who assure others they aren’t racist just because they say they are not racist. Who has done more damage to the country, racists or the propaganda machine that fuels and normalizes racism?
When I hear anyone say “I’m not racist,” I believe them as much as I believe anyone who ends a fantastic tale with: “True story.” Whether it’s racists or liars, people who preemptively issue verbal declarations are probably guilty. That’s actually a quote by Einstein…
The richest matchup in the tournament highlights old money vs. new money. The Koch brothers might be 1,028 years old, but their money stretches into education, white supremacy and politics. Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook runs everything else. The Koch brothers are willing to pay top dollar to buy their own elected officials, while Mark Zuckerberg made money when Russians paid him for a president in November 2016.
I won’t meddle in this vote, I promise.
Shortly after last year’s tournament ended, we began reporting on Fox News’ more extreme alt-right cousin, Sinclair Media. Since then, the company has gained popularity and has become a major player in local elections. But lack of name recognition gives Confederate sympathizers a real chance at a big upset. With players like Confederate Barbie and the South Carolina Legislature’s proposal to build a monument to Civil War veterans who didn’t exist, this could be a real barn-burner.
Seriously, check on your barn. The flaming crosses might ignite something flammable.
The Bureau of Wypipo Statistics points out that 84 percent of all racists have eaten at a Waffle House in the last 30 days. This is not to say that Waffle Houses are racist. But if you want to get choked by a cop, have your clothes ripped off by a police officer, arrested for questioning a charge, locked out or be shot dead into a plate of smothered, covered and diced hash browns, stumbling into a random Waffle House at 3 a.m. is your best bet, second only to a Walmart between 12:01 a.m. and 11:59 p.m.
But they face a tough challenge in “You’re the Real Racist!” advocates. It’s hard to beat a team that uses the “I’m rubber, you’re glue” defense. Not since Donald Trump told Hillary Clinton, “No, you’re the puppet,” has one team been so brilliantly simple.
White feminists are not your enemy. That’s what they will tell you as they slide into voting booths and cast ballots for Donald Trump. They will support the Me Too movement until one of their white male friends is accused of raping a black woman. They won’t show up at the Black Lives Matter protest but be front and center at the March for Our Lives. They will act like they invented the “Me Too” movement. Pussy hats and safety pins are acts of resistance for them.
But Twitter will do the same thing. They will ban people for hate speech, antagonism toward other groups and violent tweets—unless you are the president of the United States of America.
This one promises to be a doozy. In a much-anticipated rivalry, the Republican Party faces off against one of its spinoffs, the people who are intent on Making American Great Again by kicking out immigrants, locking up black people and spewing racism like a 1964 Birmingham, Ala., city fire hose. Will the upstart MAGgots upset the GOP? It’s up to you!
And those are the first-round matchups for the 2018 tournament. Make sure you check back Friday to see who made the second round as we continue our annual tradition to see who is the worst wypipo of 2018. Don’t forget to share with friends and debate the matchups.
I heard Beyoncé put her money on the police while Barack and Michelle are betting the house on Mitch McConnell. Meanwhile, I received a call from T’Challa informing me that Wakanda put two vibraniums on the NRA.