Mary Stevens speaks to the Cobb County Commission on June 26, 2018
Mary Stevens speaks to the Cobb County Commission on June 26, 2018
Screenshot: Cobb County Commission

A woman continued her crusade to keep the name of a Confederate General on a Georgia park by informing her county commision that erasing the rebel soldier’s name is the same thing Islamic State terrorists did in the Middle East.


Previously on “Gone With the Windbag,” East Cobb, Ga. resident Mary Stevens addressed the Cobb County Commission to explain why slavery wasn’t so bad, only to be rebuffed by Commissioner Lisa Cupid, who explained the stupidity of Confederate Mary’s wish for a nearby park to remain named after Confederate General Joseph Johnston.


But Cupid was noticeably absent in the June 26 meeting, which allowed Tomi Lahren’s “auntie” to go unchallenged when Stevens compared removing the name of a man who fought for the preservation of slavery with religious fundamentalists in the Islamic State.

“In the Middle East ancient ruins and religious icons were arrogantly destroyed by ISIS,” explained Taylor Not-So-Swift. “These destructions are disrespectful to prior generations that built the civilizations that we live in today,” Secessionist Stevens added, apparently unaware that we no longer live in a civilization where owning human chattel is legal.

Grandmommy Blondie continued by spelling out why she was so adamant about this issue. Like all people who have no logical reasons for their actions, Stevens claimed she was doing it for the children:

The monuments, statues and icons are a historical fact. And whether you like them, disagree with them or are on a zealous mission, there is no valid excuse for depriving the next generation of them in order to rewrite or sanitize what actually was. This is censorship of the worst kind—the rewriting of history or the hiding of it from public view.

We are the caretaker generation. We have no right to censor history for coming generations.

She blamed the removal of the name on a “temporary and incredibly vocal and insistent minority,” who claims Confederate monuments “offends them.” Instead of pointing out that Cobb County has a library with hundreds of books that fully and more accurately explain the story of the deadliest war in American history, Stevens held up a kindergarten-level sign with the number 600,000 scrawled in black magic marker to illustrate her point of...

Wait. Did she call me a “temporary” minority? Does Stevens know about a secret ethnic cleansing plan that I am unaware of? Is she trying to start a race war?


Shockingly, Stevens has no idea that people can read about the internment of Japanese Americans, visit a Holocaust museum or watch a video of Brussels sprouts-infused macaroni and cheese instead of having these atrocities shoved in their faces on a daily basis. There is no need for statues of Hitler, monuments to internment camps or taxpayer-sponsored macaroni travesties.

“The current efforts to fundamentally transform history are fueled by people who believe America has been rotten since day one and want nothing less than total political and cultural revolution,” said Mary, ignoring the fact that the brutality of slavery was rotten, and existed in America since day one until the political and cultural revolution of the abolitionist movement outlawed slave-owning.


I am beginning to expect that Confederate Mary fantasizes about the return of slavery during her midday naps.

Or, before leaving to fight for the right to own human property, perhaps General Joseph Johnston took Mary Stevens to the 1859 Cobb County Prom.


In which case, I, a vocal and incredibly insistent minority, totally understand.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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