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Trump’s Defense Lawyers Pick Up Where They Left Off, and By ‘Pick Up’ I Mean They Just Continue Lying
On Monday, President Trump’s loose group of arthritic knees and questionable morals banded together to expand on their brief opening statements from Saturday to make their case as to why the president of the United States isn’t the real Joanne the Scammer. A live look at President Trump promising that his team isn’t going to…
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Ex-National Security Adviser John Bolton Can’t Testify, But He Sure Knows How to Promote a Book
President Donald Trump began his Monday the way he always does: He ate the remains of a baby goat that was leftover from the weekend, slogged around the White House looking for his pig’s blood and cilantro smoothie and then locked himself in his private bathroom where he rage tweeted about ex-national security adviser John…
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The Impeachment of Donald J. Trump, Part 1: Pre-Fight Fuss Fight
The Senate impeachment trial of Russian Vice President Donald J. Trump began around 1 p.m. Tuesday, and here’s what’s happened and what we expect to happen on the first day. Senators, House Managers—aka the “Hit Squad”—and the White House counsel were all present and ready to go. Chief Justice Roberts brought the trial to session,…
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Rudy’s Boy, Lev Parnas, Is Going Full 6ix9ine and the Documents He Gave Up Are Insane
Lev Parnas is ready to tell you why fools fall in love. He knows everything that the lonely do at Christmas and whether T-Pain really brought that girl a drink. Parnas knows whether or not all of the people in the club actually got tipsy and whether or not they committed DUIs later that evening.…
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The White House Even Lies About the Weather, Tweets Photo of ‘First Snow’ on 70 Degree Day
The White House is so out of touch with reality that on one of the hottest days in January history, the White House shared a photo declaring the first snow of the year. “First snow of the year!” read the photo’s caption, which showed the White House in the background and snow pouring down. The…
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What Da Fuq Is a 409K? Trump Seems to Know
In an attempt to brag on himself once again, President Trump may have hipped us to an exclusive financial plan only allowed to the top one percent. On Thursday, the president tweeted out that the stock market is on the rise and to prove it, he wanted everyone to check their 409Ks! “STOCK MARKET AT…
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It’s Starting to Look a Lot Like Iran Shot Down That Ukrainian Plane
On Wednesday, it was announced that a Ukrainian passenger jet near Tehran crashed, killing all 176 aboard. Now it is with “high confidence” that U.S. officials believe that the aircraft was shot down by an Iranian missile. According to an official who spoke anonymously with the Washington Post, U.S. authorities believe that an Iranian anti-aircraft…
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The President of the United States Just Publicly Went Out Like a Bitch. And That’s Fine by Us
Starting almost 30 minutes late for his press conference, President Trump—surrounded by a bevy of white men (literally everyone behind him made up the evolution of white men)—appeared to use the strategy officially called “bubble guts,” softening his tone against Iran, which was vastly different than the Twitter tone he had a few days ago.…
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If a Loser Racist Goes on Fox News and Calls You a Loser Racist, Does It Make a Sound?
Trump’s favorite ingrown toenail, Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham, took shots at former quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who’s currently being whiteballed by the NFL, and Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, because that’s what Lindsey Graham does. Over the weekend, Kaepernick tweeted that Trump’s attack on one of Iran’s top military officers, Qassem Soleimani, was nothing new since America…
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Former National Security Adviser John Bolton to Go Full Tekashi 6ix9ine, Says He’s Ready to Testify
In what can only be described as the biggest switch since The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air replaced dark-skinned Aunt Viv with light-skinned Aunt Viv and acted like nothing happened, former national security adviser John Bolton now claims that he’s ready to testify in Trump’s Senate impeachment trial. On Monday, out of the clear blue sky,…
