We’d like to welcome you to the 2017 Wypipo Awards.
For those of you attending for the first time, these awards are not focused on all white people. Instead, this is a ceremony that celebrates the class of our Caucasian constituency that constantly complains that the BET Awards, the NAACP Awards and even the Soul Train Awards are inherently racist because they are limited to black people. (I mean ... even black people don’t want to go to the Soul Train Awards. I have tickets to this year’s Soul Train Awards sitting on my dresser right now, and I’m not even a celebrity. I think you get a free pair when you spend more than $20 at Popeyes. Either that, or they were at the bottom of a box of Froot Loops.)
White people hate being left out of anything, even when we futilely explain to them that the previously mentioned accolades exist because of the lack of diversity in mainstream awards shows. So our founder, Mr. Y.P. Pull—who made his fortune building desalinization plants that take the salt out of white tears and use it to irrigate kale farms—started this awards show to recognize wypipo. We saw what happened when they felt left out of Black Lives Matter.
Not everyone is eligible for these honors. Only the small subset of white people called “wypipo”—those who trade in privilege, hate and what our panelists call “white-people shit”—receive nominations. Now, without further ado, here are the nominees and winners of the 2017 Wypipo Awards:
- Chris Cantwell: For being the biggest, baddest Nazi at the White Supremacist Purge in Charlottesville, Va., then bawling when he discovered police had issued a warrant for his arrest.
- The wypipo mad at NFL protesters: To be fair, if Jesus appeared on Sean Hannity’s show wearing a Confederate T-shirt to announce the return of slavery, that would still fall behind “the troops” on the list of things white people loved.
- Hillary Clinton: For rigging the primaries, then crying about how the 2016 presidential election was rigged. For contributing the phrase that is forever enshrined in the Salty Wypipo Hall of Fame: “But she won the popular vote.”
- White Twitter: For boycotting Dear White People, being butt-hurt because Amazon Alexa believes black lives matter, destroying their Keurigs in support of a pedophile, throwing a tantrum when white nationalists lost their blue checkmarks and becoming upset when they saw “Black Thought” trending because they were afraid we were plotting something.
And the winner is: The “It’s OK to Be White” movement.
2017 was the first year in history in which the world experienced something called “white oppression,” and, in response, a very important movement began to let people know that even though they control the nation’s economy, politics and criminal-justice system, and the international kale market, they shouldn’t feel depressed about their whiteness. Some of the movement’s founders plan to usher in the new year by starting a movement aimed at white women called, “It’s OK to be skinny, blond, privileged, fragile and vapid.”
They’re still working out the kinks.
- White music: For Blake Shelton’s being named Sexiest Man Alive, this remake of “Bodak Yellow,” the Cash Me Outside girl, Taylor Swift’s becoming the “alt-right” Beyoncé and Ghetto Yoga Becky.
- Amazon Alexa blowback: The white rage surrounding Amazon Alexa’s response to “Black Lives Matter.”
- Kendall Jenner’s Pepsi commercial: Pepsi made a commercial about how diet cola can prevent a riot, stop police violence and get the party started for white people who want to crump dance during Black Lives Matter protests.
- Destroying Keurigs: When Keurig decided to pull advertisement from Sean Hannity’s show for his support of accused cowboy pedophile Roy Moore, white people fought back by destroying coffee machines they had already paid for.
And the winner is: White riots.
This was a banner year for white people acting a fool. There was the Wypipo Hunger Games in Portland, Ore.; the Berkeley, Calif., “free speech” rally; the worldwide march against Shariah law; and of course, the Purge in Charlottesville, Va. We all know those thugs don’t know how to act. They’re always raping and pillaging (mostly pillaging, but trust me, they get their fair share of raping in).
We didn’t want to single out a specific group of white people because there are white rioters on many sides. On many, many sides.
- Trump administration: Do I even need to type anything here?
- NFL: Or here?
- White Lives Matter: Or here?
- Republican Party: Or ... I think you get it now.
And the winner is: White women.
After closing out 2016 strong by combining 53 percent of their powers to elect the first citrus fruit to serve as president, white women brought in 2017 strong with the Women’s March, the largest single-day protest in history. They started a pussy-hat trend and co-opted the #MeToo movement, which was started by a black woman.
Their candidate lost the presidential election, and they blamed it on the Russians. Their candidate lost the Atlanta mayoral race, and they blamed it on a miscount. Their candidate lost in Alabama, and they took credit for the other candidate’s win. They turned Yeezy into the Manchurian Kanye. A white woman got away with killing Terence Crutcher. A white woman got her ass kicked by Serena—again ... but still has more endorsements than Serena.
White women scammed us out of GoFundMe donations for bullying (Keaton Jones’ mom). An unemployed white woman disrespected the flag while calling black people lazy and NFL players unpatriotic (Tomi Lahren). A white woman tried to convince us that Pepsi cured police brutality (Kendall Jenner). A white woman ...
But they won the popular vote, though.
- Taylor Swift: For making another album all about how Kanye did her wrong, getting caught in a lie, stealing the essence of Beyoncé, whitewashing it, making ”Unsweetened Lemonade” with it, releasing it on the anniversary of Donda West’s death and saying nothing about becoming the white supremacist poster child.
- Tomi Lahren: This Beckzilla shaded Auntie Maxine, Beyoncé, Wale, Colin Kaepernick, Glenn Beck, an entire airline and black people in general.
- Lena Dunham: For using her unique brand of hipster racism shit-baggery, which includes kicking a puppy to the curb and defending an alleged rapist. Basically, for being Lena Dunham.
- Kellyanne Conway: For playing a major role in the election of Mango Mussolini by lying her ass off.
And the winner is: Sarah Sanders Huckabee.
Sarah Sanders Huckabee broke the glass ceiling, and I’m not just saying that because she’s the new-millennium Kool-Aid man. Never before in the history of lying motherfuckers has anyone shown this level of boldface bullshittery. As the Trump administration’s mouthpiece, she parses out fake news like Willy Wonka on Halloween. When it comes to lying, she’s the GOAT ...
And by that, I mean she’s a lying goat.
- Michael Harriot: For his involvement with the Ku Klux Klan and repeatedly being called “the real racist.”
- Ray Lewis: For his role in helping NFL owners blackball Colin Kaepernick; then, when the spotlight shone its brightest, Ray Lewis took a knee ... and then lied and said he was praying, not protesting. Also, the Trump thing.
- Diamond and Silk: For stanning for Trump and embarrassing the race as a whole with that shitty remake of a shitty Eminem freestyle.
- Chrisette Michele: After securing the bag for performing at Trump’s inauguration ball, Chrisette Michele tried to weasel back into black America’s good graces with music that sounded like she shat on a microphone, then she tried to evoke sympathy about her own miscarriage by pawning off pictures of another woman’s miscarriage as hers.
- Stephen A. Smith: Smith threw shade at: Colin Kaepernick for protesting, Michael Bennett for trying to get the Seahawks to sign Kaepernick, J.R. Smith for making white people nervous by wearing a hoodie, black people for not respecting Trump. Oh ... and that dance routine.
And the winner is: Omarosa Manigault Newman.
As one of Trump’s favorite blacks, Omarosa has stood by the urine-colored vagina grabber’s side for more than a decade. She tried to coerce the Congressional Black Caucus into inviting Trump to the cookout, started a walkout at the national conference for the National Association of Black Journalists and sneaked her wedding party into the White House for a photo shoot. But perhaps her most lasting legacy is the fact that she caused all of black America to burst into laughter when she was fired on her day off. She will be missed.
Seriously, I know a couple of women who say if they see her, they will throw a water balloon filled with cat pee in her face. Neither of those women has good aim, so Omarosa will be missed.
- Tomi Lahren: See “Becky of the Year” category.
- Betsy DeVos: For her massive effort to ruin schools as secretary of Education even though she doesn’t have a day of experience.
- Steve Bannon: For giving us the heebie-jeebies whenever he’s on a television screen; for being the “voice of the alt-right,” too, but mostly for the heebie-jeebies.
And the winner is: Roy Moore.
He’s an accused pedophile, racist, 10th-grade-schoolgirl-chasing, fake Christian, Constitution-destroying, black-hating, homophobic, transphobic, horse-riding, conspiracy-peddling, YouTube-preaching, Bible-quoting, disenfranchising, freedom-hating, Islamophobic, Ten Commandment-pushing, anti-immigrant, Trump-loving, mall-trolling, Yosemite Sam-looking, Confederate-loving, law-ignoring, lying, cheating, wannabe cowboy who refuses to acknowledge that black women kicked his ass like he ate their last slice of red-velvet cake.
- James Comey: The former head of the FBI didn’t quite receive an invitation to the cookout, but someone might bring him a plate since he’s testified against Trump and brought receipts.
- Former President George W. Bush: He didn’t do anything, but you appreciate him more every day as you feel the flames of the Trump dumpster fire.
- Sen. John McCain: For 15 minutes, when he stopped the Obamacare repeal, John McCain wasn’t as detestable as he had been. Plus, it’s hard to disparage someone with inoperable brain cancer.
- Prince Harry: He discovered Black Girl Magic and ... you know what they say: Once you go black, you’ll make her a part of the royal family.
And the winner is: White hands.
While our panel of judges would never promote white-on-white violence, the GIF of Richard Spencer getting punched in the face at the Trump inauguration still gives us the warm and fuzzy feelings. And the Nazi knockout in Seattle still ranks as the greatest Facebook video ever. The rise of anti-fascists provided America with many praiseworthy images of white faces participating in the age-old ceremony called the Catching of Hands and earned them the label of a “hate group” by white supremacists who object to being served a fresh fist sandwich alongside their white tears.
Caucasian hand throwers, we salute you.
- Jason Kessler: For organizing the Charlottesville rally and then being arrested for lying on his nemesis in court.
- Richard Spencer: The face of white supremacy and originator of the term “alt-right” went on a college tour he couldn’t pay for, was punched in the face, was kicked out of his gym, booted off Twitter and single-handedly spurred the comeback of the white, torch-carrying mob.
- Steve Bannon: The “alt-right” whisperer resigned from the White House after a brief stint in the Trump administration instituting racist policies like the travel ban. He returned to Breitbart to oversee the premier racist, fake-news site in the world, but took time off to support an accused pedophile (Roy Moore, who lost), a Confederate sympathizer (Virginia gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie, who lost) and ...
- Donald Trump: Do I need to list why Trump was nominated? Because he’s racist. Because he’s not that smart. Because he rigged an election. Because he’s Donald fucking Trump.
And the winner is: Jeff Sessions.
In perhaps the biggest upset since UFC No. 1, when a young shepherd named David rallied to beat Goliath armed with nothing but faith, confidence and a nice slingshot game, Jeff Sessions beats out last year’s winner, Trump.
The reason for Sessions’ victory is simple: Aside from saying a lot of racist things and trying to do a lot of stupid things, Trump really hasn’t done much. Sessions, on the other hand, reignited the war on drugs, restarted mandatory minimums, colluded with Russia, forgot about colluding with Russia, rebooted COINTELPRO and decided to look into the plague of white people being discriminated against because of affirmative action.
He’s the head of the Justice Department even though he doesn’t believe in the existence of police violence, medicinal marijuana, discrimination against LGBT people, hate crimes, truth or, most importantly, justice.
He’s the scary one.
Perhaps no place in America embodies the wypipo spirit more than the state of Alabama (sorry, Mississippi).
Alabama sprayed water hoses on black kids during the civil rights movement. Alabama Klan members bombed the 16th Street Baptist Church with four little girls inside. Angry Alabamians fractured Rep. John Lewis’ skull on Selma’s Edmund Pettus Bridge. Birmingham Commissioner Bull Connor allowed white supremacists to attack the Freedom Riders. Alabama Gov. George Wallace said, “Segregation now, segregation tomorrow and segregation forever” in his inaugural address. Alabama jailed Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr.
All of those incidents were more than a half-century ago, but Alabama still hasn’t lost its racist touch.
It was Alabama’s Shelby County that was the plaintiff and namesake of the landmark Supreme Court decision Shelby v. Holder, which dismantled the Voting Rights Act of 1965. It is Alabama that forces every citizen with a registered automobile to drive around with the “Heart of Dixie” motto emblazoned on their license plates. It was Alabama’s Jeff Sessions who became the first U.S. senator to endorse the candidacy of Donald J. Trump.
It was Alabama’s Legislature that decided to fine any town that removed a Confederate statue. It was parents in Gardendale, Ala., who decided that they wanted their kids to attend school in a segregated school district ... in 2017. It was a Huntsville, Ala., crowd that cheered when Donald the Douchebag called the mothers of NFL protesters “bitches.” It was 68 percent of Alabama’s white voters who wanted an alleged child-molesting cowboy to represent them in the Senate.
It is always Alabama.
And for that, we salute the Caucasians who continuously contribute to centuries of racism, oppression and white supremacy. Congratulations to the wypipo of Alabama. You did not win this achievement ...
You earned it.