Why White People Feel Oppressed, Explained

Andrew Caballero-Reynolds/Getty Images
Andrew Caballero-Reynolds/Getty Images

As our y’all’s Commander colluder-in-chief prepares for his first official vacation (even though he has taken more days off than any recent president, but you know how lazy those people can be), only days after announcing his new Clorox Immigration Plan, the Justice Department’s Jim Crow Affirmative Action Policy and the Muslim Friends and Family Travel Ban, news outlets everywhere are dumbfounded as to how Trump still has a relatively high job-approval rating.


Do not be fooled by by the constant cable news refrain that will have you believing that everybody hates Donald Trump. Trump could still be re-elected. Despite the above-mentioned idiocy and a first 200 days that resembles an episode of The Three Stooges, 37 percent of people approve of the job he is doing. At the same point in his presidency, Bill Clinton—one of the most popular presidents in recent history—was at 40 percent.

The one thing that almost every political pundit and news outlet agrees on, however, is that Trump’s actions, motivation and relative popularity all intersect at one point: his base. Trump is president because he appeals to a particular group of people who believe that he can and will end the persecution and oppression of white America. Although it may sound like the stupidest idea Caucasians have come up with since “Two Girls One Cup,” “Blue Lives Matter” or HBO’s Confederacy, we asked one of the most noted experts on this subject—Dwight P. Paul, Ph.D.—to explain the importance, meaning and ramifications of the White-Oppression Complex.

What is White-Oppression Complex?

White-Oppression Complex (which, ironically, has the same initials as one of the only known antidotes for the disease—women of color) is a new syndrome that surfaced in the past few years. One of the most noticeable symptoms of WOC is the belief that people of color, black feminists, gay and transgender folks, and people who haven’t made Jesus Christ their Lord and savior all came together to concoct a nefarious plan to persecute the straight, white male and eventually eliminate him from American society.

Are there any symptoms?

Yes. It begins with something we refer to by its scientific name, Caucasianosis crysalott—commonly known as “white tears.” If left untreated, it can grow into the full-blown belief in “white genocide”—the idea that there is a deliberate effort to outbreed and destroy the great white race. This is the place from which Steve Bannon, Trump’s travel ban, his immigration plan and most “alt-right” trolls originate.


Wow. I am a person of color and I had no idea! Who started this?

A Muslim born in Kenya named Barack Hussein Obama. When he became president, everyone knew that he was going to put white people in FEMA camps, give black people reparations, raise taxes on white people, let black people go to college for free, push affirmative action into overdrive, confiscate white people’s guns, make police stop shooting black boys and instead force cops to go on a white-baby-killing abortion spree.


He never did any of that, but trust me, he wanted to.

But soon it spread across the country. Black people started looking white people in the eye, demanding that they be treated like human beings, and even insisted that their lives matter. Gays went crazy and asked for equal protection under the law, for no other reason than the silly notion that the Constitution guarantees it. Transgender people revealed the disgusting fact that they actually use the bathroom like normal homo sapiens.


Now, everywhere you look, there they are. There are openly gay couples kissing in public. Black people are dominating television and movies. Colleges are beginning to focus on “diversity.” There’s a Muslim in Congress. The whole country is beginning to accept the fact that people come in all kinds of colors, orientations and belief systems. It’s really oppressive to some people

But I don’t understand. How does any of this oppress white people?

Can’t you see? Whenever another ethnicity, religion or orientation demands a seat at America’s table, it means a white man has to get up and leave. That’s oppression! White people have been the only source of decision-making and power for too long. It was kind of our thing. White men wrote a whole Constitution that has perfectly governed America for over 240 years. White people built this country!


Actually, the Constitution has been amended 27 times, which—by definition—means it is imperfect. And don’t you think free labor for 350 years is what actually built this country?

Why are you always bringing up old shit?

My bad. You’re the expert. Has anyone figured out whether white people are actually being oppressed?

Well, to be honest, the statistics show that the white unemployment rate is almost half of the black unemployment rate. White people still outearn every other demographic, even when the other groups are better-educated or more experienced. They own the most property. They have the most wealth. They get the most slots on The Price Is Right. In almost every measurable category, a less qualified, less knowledgable and less talented white man still gets more opportunity than any other group in America, followed closely by white women.


But if it’s not real, how is it spreading?

Because it no longer matters if a thing is true, as long as it feels true and white people feel oppressed. Because of the privilege of whiteness, they are used to running ramshod over any and everything in their path. Now, when someone complains about them screaming “Nigger,” they say their freedom of speech is being restricted.


White people complaining about oppression is like R. Kelly complaining about the regulatory hoops he has to leap through before he opens up his new girls-only day care center. But then again, white people have a long history of delusional feelings—like, every overweight white girl named Amber feels she has a “booty like a black girl.” Or white people feel they’re on the beat the same way they felt Obama was evil. And just like Trump feels that he has done more than any other president in history, white Americans feel like they’re becoming marginalized.

What it all boils down to is fragility, greed and hate. No one has asked white people to leave the table. They have only been asked to scoot over so others can pull up a seat. They have only been asked to share the meal. Power, happiness, self-determinism and opportunity are not zero-sum things. We will not run out of any of this, and even if White-Oppression Syndrome makes white people feel like America is taking something from them ...


They are only tasting their own medicine.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


White-Oppression Complex (which, ironically, has the same initials as one of the only known antidotes for the disease—women of color)


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