Between Saturday’s London terror attacks, Bill Maher blurting out the n-word on live TV and the NBA Finals, you might have overlooked the fact that Portland, Ore., hosted a mashup of The Purge and The Hunger Games this weekend.
White supremacists, militia groups and people who simply want to “make America great again” squared off against citizens disturbed by a recent murder, anti-fascists, allies and people who just like wearing Birkenstocks, in a much-anticipated wypipo-vs.-white people matchup to determine the 2017 Caucasian National Champions.
Skirmishes (because that’s the accepted term for white people fighting) broke out when counterprotesters clashed (again, another euphemism for a Caucasian brawl; we also would have accepted “donnybrook” and/or “scrum”) with right-wing groups at a pro-Trump, free speech rally in Portland on Sunday afternoon, the Washington Post reports.
Instead of a boring recounting of the events, we put together an easy-to-understand fight recap with everything you need to know about the white-on-white violence in the whitest city in America:
Wypipo: In the red corner were the white supremacist groups that organized the march. Joey Gibson, who got the city’s permission for the march, has organized six similar events in Portland, all of which have featured prominent members of the white nationalist community, including the Ku Klux Klan, neo-Nazis and Identity Europa, according to The Guardian.
The event was organized after, authorities say, Jeremy Christian—whose social media presence is replete with white supremacist rhetoric—killed two people and injured another when they tried to stop him from harassing women and minorities aboard a Portland MAX train. The participants claim that the freedom of expression of white men across the country is being attacked, necessitating the rally for the oppressed white men who control only the presidency, the Supreme Court, Congress, the Senate, over 90 percent of Fortune 500 companies and every television network in the country.
Also in attendance was Based Stickman, the Proud Boys and the Fraternal Order of the Alt-Knights. We’ve previously reported on these neofascist military groups who dress like skinheads, talk like Ku Klux Klan members and fantasize about being in the movie Fight Club. (Although scientists say that 83 percent of white men under 35 fantasize about being in the movie, the percentages are higher among this group because—and this is verifiably true—FOAKboys take a nonmasturbation oath.)
Y’all Qaeda—the paramilitary, paranoid conspiracy theorists who call themselves “Oath Keepers” and showed up in Ferguson, Mo., with AK-47s—also tag-teamed the event because large, semi-automatic weapons are basically redneck penises, and they are always looking for a way to show how big theirs are.
Aside from believing that the government wants to turn America into one large FEMA camp, Oath Keepers also worry about their freedoms being taken away. And by “freedoms” they mean guns and the white man’s place atop the country’s social hierarchy, so instead of facing the fact that white people might not get to cash in on their privilege for much longer, they buy more guns. Big ones.
Many Trump supporters also showed up because by now, his base has dwindled down to Islamophobes, anti-immigrants, and people patiently awaiting executive orders that legalize pussy grabbing and outlaw anyone whose skin contains melanin. Far-right militias, skinheads, white-boy fight clubs and almost every group The Root has been warning readers about showed up for the festivities.
White people: Coming out of the blue corner, wearing flip-flops, carrying genuinely sincere handmade signs and intermittently sharing white tears, were around 3,000 counterprotesters.
First among them were anti-fascists—the movement feared by white nationalists, whom they accuse of seeking to shut down free speech. Also called “antifas,” anti-fascists are notorious for wearing bandannas across their faces and refusing to back down from white supremacists. According to The Nation:
Antifa combines radical left-wing and anarchist politics, revulsion at racists, sexists, homophobes, anti-Semites, and Islamophobes, with the international anti-fascist culture of taking the streets and physically confronting the brownshirts of white supremacy, whoever they may be.
There were many Christian groups trying to pray the hate away, but Jesus is sometimes pretty busy on Sundays. Some handed out flowers, leaflets and even Bibles, hoping to make the Nazis see the light.
Portland’s well-known liberal white population was in attendance in all of its hippy glory, including Portland’s chapter of Democratic Socialists, Buddhists in silent protests and many people who could be seen crying, dismayed at the display of hate.
You know what happens when these thugs get together—a gang beef. Police arrested 14 people, confiscated large amounts of weapons from protesters and posted some on Twitter:
That’s right, police confiscated everything from bricks, hammers and knives to—wait ...
Is that a 12-pack of Pepsi?
Yes, it is. I’m not making a joke here. Someone literally tried to go Kendall Jenner on white supremacy and thought they could eradicate hate with a Pepsi, hoping it would ease tensions.
I don’t support violence of any kind, and would never sympathize wtih a Nazi, but if someone cracked that white person across the head, I kinda, definitely understand. Mediocre white boys are out there fighting agaisnt the mythical white genocide, stuggling to hold on to their privilege, and you’re in their way trying to solve the problem with a second-rate cola?
Plus, everyone knows Nazis drink Coke. It matches the armbands and Confederate flags.
After poring over hundreds of pictures, we can say that there were few black protesters on either side, although it is hard to say whether this is because the state of Oregon was founded to be a white utopia or because Portland’s population is only 2.8 percent black and dropping. Every black person in Portland probably knows each other, so if one of them had a cookout ...
Or maybe, instead of calling it “the Clash of the White Ones,” “the Rumble With the Oregonians” or the precursor to the Mad Max movies, maybe black people looked at a gathering of white people who hate black people and called it exactly what it looked like:
Just another Sunday in America.