The holiday season is often seen as a time of joy and togetherness, but for those who are grieving, it can deepen loss and isolation. While many celebrate, remember that some need extra support during this time.
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The Root sat down with Dr. Portia Lockett — a Grief Recovery Method® specialist, spiritual advisor and chaplain for a candid conversation about grief. She shares tips anyone can use to help a friend or loved one navigate loss during this holiday season.
Grief Extends Beyond Death
Lockett explained that grief is “a natural response to something that happens to us,” whether the loss is expected or sudden. While death is the most widely recognized cause of grief, other forms may be less obvious. According to Lockett, people also grieve during life changes like divorce, the end of friendships, chronic illness, hair loss, mobility loss, pet loss and job relocation.
Grief Triggers Can Come Out of Nowhere
People who are grieving may not struggle every day, but sudden triggers—like a song, a scent, the sound of children laughing or empty silence can bring grief rushing back. As a supporter, you may not be able to prevent these moments. Lockkett suggested naming what’s happening, talking it through if they’re open and allowing space to “pause and breathe.”
Withdrawal Isn’t Rejection
“A lot of people will say I don’t want to go over anybody else’s house to celebrate Christmas. I want to be with my own family, but my own family is no longer here,” Lockett told The Root. “The deeper the love, the longer the grief,” she added. Don’t take the withdrawal personally. Instead, approach it with patience and flexibility.
Loss May Challenge What We Think “Should” Happen
Lockett noted that while no loss is easy, grief can feel especially disorienting when it goes against deeply held beliefs, like the idea that parents aren’t meant to bury their children. Following the loss of her son Azal in 2020, Lockett found healing in creating personal rituals to honor his life and process her grief.
Don’t Force Tradition
Some people simply won’t be ready to embrace tradition this year. When it comes to inviting them, Lockett suggested saying, “If you want to come, you’re welcome — but if you want to do something different, that’s okay too.” You can offer low-pressure options like sharing cultural dishes, telling stories or doing quiet activities.
Support Without a Script
Well-meaning people tend to get caught up in the right words to say, the exact scripture quote, or the motivation they think a person needs to hear. According to Lockett, telling a widow, “You’re still young, you can get married again,” or quoting a scripture someone may not be ready to hear won’t make the person feel good in that moment.
Grant Permission to Grieve
Lockett advises that sometimes people need to cry without someone cheering them up. Let them grieve. Give them space to express emotion without judgment. It’s a reminder to all parties that they’re human.
Stop Asking, “What Can I Do?”
It’s hard to process needs when you’re in the thick of grief. Don’t give your friend or loved one another task by asking them how you can help. Instead, pick a concrete way to help and roll with it.
Make Your Presence a Present
Sometimes people just need your presence. Lockett advises that people may just want you to show up to sit with them or hug them in silence. Other times, they may need a sense of normalcy that comes from watching a movie or taking a walk.
Take Everyday Tasks Off Their Plate
Take the stress out of everyday errands by offering practical support. Even helping for a couple of hours by driving them to the bank, assisting with funeral arrangements or running errands can go a long way toward handling tasks so they don’t have to. If they have young children, Lockett suggested offering to take them to activities, giving parents a little time to themselves.
Restore a Sense of Order
Help with light housework, laundry or decluttering to create a calmer space and remove the pressure of keeping their home visitor-ready.
Help With a Meal
Drop off a home-cooked dinner, send a meal from their favorite restaurant, or purchase a takeout gift card. Small gestures can ease decision fatigue during heavy days.
Be An Advocate
Lockett suggested that if you notice a friend or loved one struggling to navigate their grief, gently recommend speaking with a therapist who specializes in grief. She also pointed to resources such as workplace Employee Assistance Programs, psychologytoday.com/us and the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Grief Does Not Have an Expiration Date
“There’s no cookie-cutter way to grieve because everybody’s situation or circumstances and relationships are different,” Lockett said. Grief doesn’t have a set timeline or a clear endpoint. Compassion stems from understanding that “getting through it” is an ongoing process.
There’s No Single Way to Remember Someone
According to Lockett, more Black families are honoring loved ones through cremation or celebration-of-life ceremonies rather than traditional funerals. As a supporter, respect whatever choice your friend makes. It allows them to grieve and remember their loved one in the way that feels most authentic.
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