Welcome to the second round of the 2018 Wypipo Tournament. Our first round featured some barn burners (Vladimir Putin vs. Paul Manafort) and some blowouts (The Police vs. Karen Peconi). But the round of 32 is where the real magic happens. These competitors are vying for the opportunity to be crowned champion of Wypipo for 2018, which carries much prestige in the white community.
Here is the updated bracket:
This year’s tournament second round is sponsored by the “That Bullshit,” the drug of choice for wypipo everywhere. If you’re wondering why the woman at the Waffle House wants to call the police, how Donald Trump’s skin looks like the inside of a cantaloupe left out in the Arizona sun or how Sarah Huckabee Sanders can lie with a straight face, just remember:
They’re all on That Bullshit. Check with your physician to see if That Bullshit is right for you.
Please remember that voting in the 2018 Wypipo Tournament is both a right and a responsibility. We stand on the shoulders of the wypipo who came before us, such as COINTELPRO’s J. Edgar Hoover and Emmett Till’s accuser, Carolyn Bryant, may they rest in peace.
Wait, I’m being told by our fact-checkers that, unfortunately, Carolyn Bryant is still alive. Hopefully, she’s watching right now and one of today’s exciting matchups will send her to her maker, Satan.
Let’s look at the second round matchups:
This is one of the few matchups that should only be made by consulting with your family. Would you rather have your relatives kicked out of a funeral or a cookout? While BBQ Becky is one of the most ridiculed women on the internet after she called the cops on an Oakland, Calif., family’s cookout, at least she cried like someone told her she could no longer tongue kiss her French bulldog in the mouth. Father 911, however, seemed to show no remorse when he kicked a Maryland family out of the church during their mother’s funeral because they accidentally knocked over his blood-of-Jesus pimp chalice.
Permit Patties represent all of the white people who called the police on people of color just trying to make a few extra bucks. To be fair, who knew what was in that water the 8-year-old was selling when the original Permit Patty called 911? When that 13-year-old had to stop selling hot dogs because someone called the cops on him? Wypipo were just doing their civic duty.
And Holly Hylton called the cops so many times when she began working at Starbucks, 911 operators probably considered blocking her number before she eventually called the cops on two black guys who were simply breathing.
Sarah Braasch cried the whitest tears ever after she called the cops on a black woman for sleeping and a black man for being lost. But can she single-handedly defeat all the people who call the cops on black people eating in restaurants again and again and again?
Paul Blart Pool Cop and #SwimmingSheriffSusie represent the wypipo who summon the police on black people for swimming in their white water. They face a tough challenge in Nikki Yovino, who had consensual sex with two football players at her college and then accused them of raping her, all in a desperate attempt to gain the sympathy of a potential boyfriend.
The police face off against Paul Ryan, who looks like he would have been a cop if he hadn’t chosen a career in cowardice.
This marquee matchup features people who are just doing what they are told. Sarah Huckabee Sanders would say Jesus spoke to her to tell us that Trump is the truth and the light if her boss told her to do so. Homeland Security and ICE are on a baby-snatching spree fueled by Sanders’ boss’ desire to rid the country of brown people.
Choosing between these two Alabama good ole boys is one of the toughest choices in the second round. One was an Alabama Supreme Court judge who dispensed injustice while (allegedly) chasing tenth-graders in his spare time. The other heads the Department of
InJustice and finds time play Gollum in the Lord of the Ring movies.
Vladimir Putin rules Russia with an iron fist. Sen. Mitch McConnell rules the Senate with a weak, moist palm. It is impossible to know which one is more heinous. On one hand, Putin may have selected a president for the United States. But McConnell found a way to prevent a president from filling an open Supreme Court seat.
Public Displays of Whiteness
Are the people who beat Deandre Harris at the Unite the Right rally worse than n-word spewing, NFL protest-hating Papa John? The choice seems easy … until you factor in decades of selling that shitty, manilla folder-tasting pizza.
This is the matchup to watch. It’s White Nationalist Jr. vs Alt Right Sr. It’s a sentient stick of racist celery against a balloon-headed propagandist. It will air live on Fox News.
If Richard Spencer went back to college and got an advanced degree in Wiggernometry and, on graduation day, was in a terrible house fire that caused his face to melt like a candle in a microwave, then he would be Michael Rapaport. But until Spencer goes back to school, you have to choose.
Matthew Heimbach gave up his job as head of the Traditionalist Workers Party, one of the most violent white supremacist organizations in the country. Tomi Lahren’s mouth is still employed as the anus of the Republican party.
These are the big boys. Suits vs. Camouflage. The marketing arm of the gun industry vs. the legislative wing of the gun industry. Death vs. Hate. Evil vs. Also Evil.
A list of people who support the NFL’s anti-protest position:
Wypipo (100 percent), White people (58 percent)
A list of people who consider themselves feminists:
Tomi Lahren, Kim Kardashian, the 53 percent (53 percent)
Without Fox News, “You’re the Racists!” wouldn’t be a thing. But if we weren’t the real racists, we wouldn’t have Fox News in the tournament. It’s a paradox.
The Koch Brothers are quietly running the world and Sinclair Media is quietly controlling local TV markets. The Kochs are richer than God but Sinclair Media works in mysterious ways.
Voting ends on 11:59 EST on Sunday night and the Not-So-Sweet 16 begins bright and early Monday morning. Make sure you share, debate and vote for your least favorite! And if anyone disagrees with your choices, remember:
They’re probably on That Bullshit!