Unfortunately, Eric Garner was unavailable to explain to the Yale Yakubian how it felt to have one’s literal “entire life ripped from under you in a matter of moments when you’ve done nothing wrong,” but I’m sure Sarah Braasch, the sentient police-whistle/alarm clock knows more than he does.

“All I ever wanted to do is help people and make the world a better place,” Braasch tweeted, presumably between her part-time job of making her dormitory a better place by dialing 911.


Even worse, Braasch’s tweets were in response to an article about people being beaten to death in India. Although I couldn’t find a report that Braasch had been bruised, hurt or harmed in any way, she compared herself to literal murder victims.


Do they teach the meaning of the word “irony” at Yale?

Braasch’s ghoulish whiteness likely blinded her from the fact that she has summoned what amounts to the most violent gang in America on her fellow students while whining about her own safety.


That’s not just white, it’s peak white. It’s Tucker Carlson-drinking-milk-while-masturbating-to-a-Roseanne-Barr-sex-tape white. Sleepless Sarah touting her social justice and civil rights bona fide is like having a Klan member touting his fire safety skills after being publicly ridiculed for burning a cross on someone’s lawn. But the Rosa Parks of Ivy League dormitories believes she is the victim.

And that’s why Sarah Braasch’s whining might be the whitest tweet ever.

Asked for comment, The George Zimmerman League for 911 Callers, composed of activists who dialed 911 on people like Alton Sterling, Stephon Clark and Eric Garner said in a fictional statement provided to The Root:


“We stand with Sarah, but I gotta admit, that’s pretty damn white.”

When shown Sarah Braasch’s tweets and hearing about them being called the whitest tweets ever, Tomi Lahren said: “Hold my beer.”