Woman Who Called Police on 2 Black Yale Students Says She's 'Done Absolutely Nothing Wrong' in Whitest Tweets Ever

Marking a record-breaking technological accomplishment, the white woman who called the police on a black woman sleeping in a common room in a Yale dormitory became the first person ever to tweet white tears when she took to Twitter on Wednesday to lament the fact that she has become a victim of her own Beckydom.

Sarah Braasch, one of the O.G.s of police-calling, came to prominence in May when she called the police on Lolade Siyonbola, a black woman who was taking a nap in the lobby of a Yale University dormitory. When the story went viral, information soon surfaced that Braasch had a substance abuse problem—namely that she was addicted to calling 911.

Prior to summoning law enforcement officers on the dangerous black woman sleeping in a dorm, Braasch, a Ph.D. student apparently training to be a fugitive slave catcher, had previously called the cops on another black Yalie, Jean-Louis Reneson, when Reneson found himself lost in a Braasch’s dormitory.

On Wednesday, Wakeup Wilma tweeted about the pain of having everything she worked for taken away, explaining how bad things were for her.

Unfortunately, Eric Garner was unavailable to explain to the Yale Yakubian how it felt to have one’s literal “entire life ripped from under you in a matter of moments when you’ve done nothing wrong,” but I’m sure Sarah Braasch, the sentient police-whistle/alarm clock knows more than he does.

“All I ever wanted to do is help people and make the world a better place,” Braasch tweeted, presumably between her part-time job of making her dormitory a better place by dialing 911.

Even worse, Braasch’s tweets were in response to an article about people being beaten to death in India. Although I couldn’t find a report that Braasch had been bruised, hurt or harmed in any way, she compared herself to literal murder victims.

Do they teach the meaning of the word “irony” at Yale?

Braasch’s ghoulish whiteness likely blinded her from the fact that she has summoned what amounts to the most violent gang in America on her fellow students while whining about her own safety.

That’s not just white, it’s peak white. It’s Tucker Carlson-drinking-milk-while-masturbating-to-a-Roseanne-Barr-sex-tape white. Sleepless Sarah touting her social justice and civil rights bona fide is like having a Klan member touting his fire safety skills after being publicly ridiculed for burning a cross on someone’s lawn. But the Rosa Parks of Ivy League dormitories believes she is the victim.

And that’s why Sarah Braasch’s whining might be the whitest tweet ever.

Asked for comment, The George Zimmerman League for 911 Callers, composed of activists who dialed 911 on people like Alton Sterling, Stephon Clark and Eric Garner said in a fictional statement provided to The Root:

“We stand with Sarah, but I gotta admit, that’s pretty damn white.”

When shown Sarah Braasch’s tweets and hearing about them being called the whitest tweets ever, Tomi Lahren said: “Hold my beer.”