In Alabama’s 2018 special elections, black women saved their state from sending an alleged teenage dating connoisseur to the U.S Senate. Instead, Sen. Doug Jones (D-Ala.) won the empty seat vacated by former MAGA Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, whose voting record is just as racist as his name.
This time won’t be that easy.
Alabama’s finest negro-hating nitwits have lined up to unseat Jones in the 2020 election. The murderer’s row of numbskulls contending for a chance to challenge Jones include a former college coach who made millions off free black labor; a man who fought to stop evolution from being taught in schools; a 73-year-old who believes Jesus wants him to be elected high school homecoming king; and a man who may have joined the Ku Klux Klan if he knew how to roll a blunt.
Jones, who committed the unthinkable crime of prosecuting the white supremacist terrorists who bombed Birmingham’s 16th Street Baptist Church, does not have a Democratic opponent in the upcoming Alabama primaries. But he still faces an uphill battle in a deep red state that Trump won by 27 points in the 2016 presidential elections.
Instead of repeating GOP talking points touting the economy and the deregulation, the candidates have unleashed a series of batshit crazy attack ads featuring themselves driving outsized pickup trucks. (Everyone knows you can’t legislate without a half-ton crew-cab with the towing capacity necessary to “drain the swamp.”)
The cabal of right-wing zealots vying for the Senate have eschewed moderate dog-whistle racism in favor of the regular, right-wing MAGA version of “economic anxiety” that vilifies “The Squad,” immigrants, Nancy Pelosi, Colin Kaepernick and Obama. In fact, there’s only one thing they all seem to agree on:
Jesus wants them to help Donald Trump.
Here are the candidates vying for Alabama’s Republican nomination for U.S. Senate:
Everyone knows Donald Trump hates Jeff Sessions.
Everyone, that is, besides Jeff Sessions.
Even though Trump allegedly called Sessions “mentally retarded,” Sessions has positioned himself as the pro-Trump candidate and he has a list of credentials to prove it.
- 20 years as a U.S. senator.
- Championed police brutality.
- Called the NAACP “ communist-inspired” and “un-American.”
- Campaigned against the 1965 Voting Rights Act.
- As Alabama attorney general, refused to investigate black church bombings.
- Has ties to white supremacist hate groups, Holocaust deniers and anti-immigrant groups.
- Said the Bible is fine with the Trump administration locking children in cages.
- The originator of the border wall idea.
- Donald Trump hates his fucking guts.
Campaign Slogan: I’m the same Jeff Sessions, but with more racism.
Chances of winning: Sessions holds a slight lead over Tommy Tuberville, according to a poll by the Club for Growth.
Tommy Tuberville coached at Auburn University, where he led the Tigers to an undefeated season. Even though he reportedly moved from Florida to pursue the Senate seat, his campaign ads feature him driving a bright-red MAGA truck, hunting, praying and kneeling during the national anthem. You can’t get more Alabama than that.
- Knows football and hates Colin Kaepernick, which, in Alabama, is more important than knowing how to legislate.
- Promised not to take a salary if elected.
- Believes Donald Trump was sent by Jesus to save America.
- Has no political experience. If you think that belongs in the “con” section, then you don’t know Alabama.
- Talks about nooses a lot.
- Comfortably drapes a gun across his shoulder.
- Somehow managed to find footage of him coaching football without black people in the clip.
- Only coach to defeat the University of Alabama six straight times.
- Is an actual “Florida Man.”
- Does not say “Roll Tide.”
- There is actual footage of him touching black people. They are football players, but still.
Campaign Slogan: “I might not know what the fuck I’m doing; I’m just like Donald Trump. Plus, I’m white, so…”
According to CBS news, Rep. Bradley Byrne (R-Ala.) believes “every single word” of the Bible is true.
Not that Bible.
Byrne studies the White Testament version of the good book where Jesus wasn’t born to a poor, immigrant family who couldn’t afford a hotel room in Bethlehem. Byrne is a true believer in the gospel of MAGA Messiah that gives him authority over black people, immigrants and women’s vaginas.
- Hates “The Squad.”
- Voted against LBGTQ rights and the Equality Act.
- Fought to “ensure the teaching of creationism” in Alabama textbooks.
- As a member of the State Board of Education, he insisted that evolution “should be treated as theory and not as fact.”
- Sponsored legislation to repeal Obamacare.
- Co-sponsored a constitutional amendment outlawing abortion.
- Continued to support Roy Moore after nine women alleged sexual misconduct.
- Voted against the First Step Act.
- Was a Democrat until 1997.
- Wants the Space Force headquarters in Alabama. Although this sounds like a good thing, this means Alabamians will be forced to accept the liberal agenda that includes science and math.
- Parents named him “Bradley,” instead of a good, Southern name like Jeff, Tommy or Roy.
Campaign Slogan: The Lord is my healthcare provider and Jesus already paid my copay.
Chances of winning: Polling at 17 percent, which is a majority if you use Alabama math.
Roy Moore is the Yosemite Sam of Alabama politics. Aside from allegedly trolling the Gasdsen Mall for 10th graders, he splits his time between riding horses and running for the Senate.
- Donald Trump once endorsed him.
- He wears a cowboy hat.
- He is pro-Confederate.
- He knows how to get the youth vote.
- He is Islamophobic, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-Semitic and pro-Confederate.
- He thinks it’s ok to murder abortion providers.
- He loves the Ten Commandments.
- He is pro-slavery.
- He stimulated the manufacturing sector by getting Republicans to smash their coffee machines.
Campaign slogan: Damn girl, you thick! You need a social studies tutor?
Alabama’s primary is March 3. If no candidate receives a majority of the vote, the top two candidates will face each other in a primary run-off on March 31.
May God help us all.