You’re Welcome, White People: Alabama’s Black Voters Just Saved America

Then-Democratic senatorial candidate Doug Jones speaks to reporters after voting at Brookwood Baptist Church in Mountain Brook, Ala., on Dec. 12, 2017. (Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)
Then-Democratic senatorial candidate Doug Jones speaks to reporters after voting at Brookwood Baptist Church in Mountain Brook, Ala., on Dec. 12, 2017. (Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

Don’t be fooled—the Democratic Party didn’t do this. The national media didn’t do this. Doug Jones didn’t even do this.


The only reason Donald Trump is sitting in a puddle of Creamsicle-colored tears streaming down his orange-sherbet face is that African Americans in Alabama saved America in a victory as unlikely as when Rocky Balboa defeated Ivan Drago in the inspiring documentary Rocky IV.

Black people did this. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Black people are 26 percent of Alabama’s population, but CNN exit polls show they made up 30 percent of people who cast ballots in Alabama on Tuesday.

Roy Moore led the entire night ... until they started counting the votes in Jefferson County and the cities of Montgomery and Mobile—the places where black people live. By every metric, we won this race for Doug Jones. Teenage white girls in Washington, D.C., are safe again.

Casual observers might not understand how extraordinarily historic this moment is in a political context. Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton here by 27 points in the 2016 election, almost exactly the same number as Alabama’s black population. The Democratic Party had left the state’s party members for dead. It didn’t think they had a chance. A Democrat winning a statewide election is as rare as a good Taylor Swift song. It doesn’t happen. Ever.

Except that it did. Because ... black people.

Black people saved your ass again, America. Because of black people, senators might be able to stop Congress from making it rain on the top 1 percent with the GOP billionaire tax plan. Because of black people, we might be able to stop Donald Trump from appointing Simon Cowell to the Supreme Court (the Donald is a fan of the judging on American Idol, and Paula Abdul has that filthy Muslim name). Because of black people, we might finally be rid of the only white man in history suffering from acute ashiness—Steve Bannon.


That was a close call, Alabama. You idiots almost elected a man who rode a horse to the polls. In 2017! I know you guys have shitty taste because I’ve listened to Blake Shelton albums and scrolled through Pinterest at least once a week just to see what’s going on in Wypipostan, but you guys almost saddled the entire country with an accused pedophile, Ten Commandment constitutionalist, Wile E. Coyote wannabee who masturbates to reruns of iCarly. We’ve been cleaning up your messes since 1619, and it’s getting kind of old.

Somewhere, above the clouds, four little girls whose souls left their bodies 54 years ago are smiling. Maybe Denise McNair, Addie Mae Collins, Carole Robertson and Cynthia Wesley looked down at what another monster had done to other 14-year-olds and said, “Don’t worry, we got y’all.”


Do not ever forget that most white people in Alabama voted for Roy Moore. It wasn’t even close in the white parts of Alabama. The only reason the next senator from Alabama isn’t a decrepit predator who believed he had the right to control the genitals of women, gay people, transgender people and anyone who didn’t worship the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in the same-exact white manner as he does is ... black people.

We own a unique kind of magic. We just made the impossible happen. We did this.

Don’t you ever forget it.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


The Mouth of the South

We (in Atlanta) called my brother (in Auburn) and threatened to pull his plate at Christmas breakfast and dinner if he didnt vote today. Black folks everywhere should take this win.

Just watch tho. I give it 6 hours until they try to give “college educated” / “suburban” whites credit for this win. Its cuz their redneck cousins didn’t show up.