In 2018, The Root embarked upon a mission to prove our commitment to the “It’s OK to be White” movement by honoring the notable achievements of America’s underwashclothed community. Despite owning more Grammys, Tonys, Oscars and Emmys for the music, art and culture created by Black folks, we tend to ignore the most important aspect of Caucasian contributions—Wypipoing.
What is wypipoing?
Wypipoing is calling oneself a “patriot” while booing Colin Kaepernick’s patriotic efforts to make America great. Wypipoing is calling for “law and order” to silence a protest against out-of-order law enforcement officers. Perhaps the greatest example is when Thomas Jefferson took out his quill pen to explain why life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are God-given rights...
And then retired to his quarters for another evening of slave-raping.
Throughout the year, we asked a diverse panel of wypipologists to nominate the best and whitest people in politics, news, entertainment and overall caucasity. Our slate of electors includes Black people, non-white people, people who don’t shop in Victoria’s Secret’s “nude” section and a few more Black people.
As we always point out that not all white people are not eligible for these accolades. However, if a white person has ever used the phrase “not all white people,” they are probably on our radar. Only wypipo could ever aspire to this high level of caucastic excellence.
Today, we recognize them.
Here are the 2020 nominees and winners:
- SixteenNineteeners: White people are so angry about Nikole Hannah-Jones’ Pulitzer Prize-winning project, these motherfuckers are trying to pass laws outlawing history! I told y’all white people had a time machine.
- Mitt Romney: I don’t care what else Mitt Romney does for the rest of his political career; to me, he will always be the white man who was heralded as “courageous” for doing his damn job. I’m sure Managing Editor Genetta Adams thinks I’m brave for writing this article but she doesn’t want to show favoritism.
- Jessica Krug: The Ariana Grande of Rachel Dolezals admitted that she was posing as an Afro-Caribbean professor of Black History because her parents were mean to her, giving credence to my African American mothers’ threats to “slap the black off you.”
- Lindsey Graham: America’s favorite Southern dandy went on Fox News to beg for money because Senate candidate Jamie Harrison was beating the brakes off of Graham in fundraising.
Despite Wytamurrca’s (where wypipo live) refusal to acknowledge racism, police brutality, the value of Black lives or the existence of seasoning, when Donald Trump told his supporters that secret cabals of uneducated negro saboteurs knew how to rig voting machines and change vote totals, white people bought it hook, line and sinker. According to a Fox News poll, 68 percent of Republicans believe Trump actually won the election, cementing our panel’s theory that wypipo will believe anything...
- Kelly Loeffler: This Georgia Republican had no political, public service or government experience before she was appointed to fill Georgia’s empty Senate seat. She is the Senate’s richest member because she married a rich man. She hates socialism but her family received millions in farm subsidies. She has one of the most mediocre, inexperienced white people of all time. Chuck Todd better watch out.
- Scarf Lady: Dr. Deborah Birx, whose job it is to protect the health of America, sat silently and furrowed her brow as Trump suggested that an intravenous Clorox and light cocktail could cure the coronavirus.
- Kylie Jenner: Nearly two years before everyone else found out that Kim Kardashian’s sister not named Khloe bamboozled everyone into believing she was a self-made business mogul, The Root was the first national outlet to call “bullshit” on Forbes’ magazine assertion Kylie Jenner had reached billionaire status...With her broke ass.
- Karens: Although The Root has covered the KAVID-19 epidemic since its inception, they received the second-highest vote total in this category. It’s not that we don’t think they deserve it; we just like to see them cry.
The Amy Army was represented when actual handmaid and anti-thong activist Amy Coney Barrett stole the Supreme Court seat by the sheer force of her adopted Black child’s weightlifting prowess. Somewhere Ruth Bader Ginsburg is looking down at this and saying:
“Roll me a blunt, Jesus. Wanna ride to the robe outlet with me and Mahalia Jackson?”
- Kyle Rittenhouse: He’s a stand-in for all the white thugs of 2020. We really have to do something about white-on-white crime.
- Kayleigh McEnany: The current White House press secretary doesn’t just lie and fill three-ring binders with bullshit. She also spends a significant amount of time hating Obama and Black History Month.
- Boogaloo Bois: I kinda don’t care that they are a white supremacist organization; I’m just mad they aren’t a breakdancing troupe.
- Carole Baskin: The object of Joe Exotic’s ire is an example of people I don’t like just because of the way they look, although I did like her when I heard she fed a white man to a tiger.
I don’t wish death upon Derek Chauvin.
I want someone to kneel on his neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds. I want his mother to have to stand there and watch it. And his grandmother, if she is alive. And every abusive law enforcement officer in the world.
Of course, this would have to take place in a stadium or something.
I want the world to see the last remnants of life trickle from his body knowing there is nothing he can do about it; knowing no one will do anything about it; knowing that it will be called “justice.” And when he takes his last breath, I want then neck-kneeling referee to look up into the standing-room-only crowd of corrupt cops who don’t give a fuck about Black lives and say:
- Anti-maskers: One of 2020's biggest surprises was that people who like blackface, KKK hoods and a man who uses creamsicles as a makeup foundation would start a movement against covering their faces.
- Karens: They still had a great year, though.
- Angry white men: Militias, Proud Boys, Stop the Stealers, Fox News hosts and Clemson football fans had a great year this year, even if they didn’t win a title.
- Ex-Trump administration officials: There is a special place in hell for the wypipo who enabled Trump’s white nationalist regime until he kicked them to the curb, at which point they became warriors for justice. That place is called “America.”
What happens when a Karen gets super powers?
Does she become Amy Coney Barrett, the first handmaid on the Supreme Court? Or perhaps she becomes a Klobuchar, a milquetoast white woman who I suspect gave Kamala Harris those fake Timberlands (I’m sorry, but I am a Timbs Truther. A “Timber,” if you will. ) Or maybe she could follow in the footsteps of Amy Cooper, who called the cops on the least harmful variety of the American negro—a birdwatching nigga. Does she shrivel up like a white woman on her 30th birthday?
Or does she explode?
All I’m saying is that we are concentrating on Karens when the actual taxonomy of evil white women goes:
- Any name that substitutes a vowel for a more complex spelling (ie Haleigh, Cyndie, Karynn, Taelyr, etc.)
The devil is a white woman named Aimee
- White thugs: 2020 was the year of the white thug, including antifa, Proud boys, white terrorists, militias and the entire Republican party.
- Superspreader events: All this time we’ve been refusing to give white people an invitation to our cookouts, we had no idea they’ve been having Wypipo Freakniks this whole time.
- White rioters: 2020 was the year we found out that the looters and rioters were actually white agent provocateurs. Turns out, Black people want law and order, too.
- The plot to kidnap Michigan’s governor: I can’t wait to see this episode of Dateline NBC.
Nothing gave us more satisfaction than seeing Donald Trump wheeze after disparaging masks and COVID-19 for an entire year. The only thing that could possibly be better than Trump catching coronavirus is if LeBron James purchases the New England Patriots and hires Colin Kaepernick, who defeats the Tampa Bay Bucs in the Super Bowl after Eric Reid intercepts Tom Brady and returns it for a touchdown. Of course, I’d be watching this in Rihanna’s skybox as she plays unfinished cuts from R9. But Rihanna would give me the evil eye when I ask her to turn it down so we can hear television commentator Snoop Dogg’s official call.
A man can dream, can’t he?
- Worst reparations ever: In response to protests against injustice and inequality, Black people received a new bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup and a bag of performative empathy.
- Most unsurprising fact of the year: 55 percent of white women voting for Trump.
- Black person only wypipo can appreciate: Terry Crews
- Wypipo only Black people can appreciate: Antifa
- Candace Owens: We did not factor her edges in our voting.
- Jason Whitlock: Oxpecker extraordinaire Jason Whitlock had a very good year hating everything black. Unfortunately, not even white people give a fuck about what Jason Whitlock thinks.
- Black rappers: Ice Cube, 50 Cent, Lil Wayne and others proved that they weren’t faking when they rapped about the importance of money, cash and/or hoes.
- Tim Scott: Tim Scott isn’t anti-Black as much as he is pro-white. He is willing to reach out to the Black community so that his Republican colleagues can continue chopping off our hands.
If Candace Owens had a threesome with Tim Scott and Jason Whitlock and got pregnant but let Diamond and Silk raise the child until it was old enough to enroll in law classes at the Kim Kardashian Yeezy school of Law, that baby would still be Blacker than Daniel Cameron. The Kentucky attorney general’s handling of the Breonna Taylor case and...
You know what? “Kentucky Attorney General” is probably all you need to know.
- Pete Buttigieg: Pete Buttigieg wasn’t racist, per se. He just seemed to have a blind spot when it came to Black people. I have no idea if he’s changed; but now that he won’t be president, I have much warmer feelings about him.
- Andrew Cuomo: He still gives me I-say-the-n-word-when-I’m-upset vibes but his stock definitely went up.
- Snitches: The people inside the intelligence community who spoke out against Trump formed the basis for his impeachment.
- Michael Cohen: Trump’s bag man is now one of his biggest detractors after benefitting from his boss for years. But I like him because he hates Trump.
Most Black people don’t love Joe Biden.
Most Black people are wary of any 70-plus-year-old white man and Biden is no exception. But Black voters handed Biden the presidency because we knew that he had the best chance of beating Trump. In fact, aside from the fact that he wasn’t Donald Trump, Biden’s greatest appeal was that he was an old white man. We know that white people only vote for Black people once every 232 years.
Has Biden changed?
When I was about 10 years old, I saw a bear ride a bicycle. There were no training wheels or anything—just a motherfucking grizzly on a goddamned bike. I’ve never seen anything like it.
But I’ve seen more bicycle-riding bears than I’ve seen 70-year-old white men who completely change their ways.
Reconstruction, the Red Summer of 1919, the bombing of the 16th Street Baptist Church, the rise of the militia movement and the “Stop the Steal” protests are just a few examples of white people lashing out against Black people voting, living or having the audacity to look them in the eye.
Ask Colin Kaepernick. Ask Sandra Bland. Ask Martin Luther King. Ask Medgar Evers. Ask Emmett Till. Ask the residents of Tulsa. Ask the residents of Rosewood. Ask an enslaved African. Ask Ona Judge. Ask John Punch. Ask any Black person who has ever dared to think of themselves as a full human being.
Shit, ask Jesus.
Wypipo of the Year: The Coronavirus
Yes, the coronavirus is wypipo. Think about it: It loves the cold. It is most active during the winter months. It hangs out in bars, dirty bathrooms and at Republican gatherings. It fucks with Tom Hanks but not Samuel L. Jackson. It travels by air. Old people are the most likely candidates. It suppresses votes. And most of all, It disproportionately attacks nonwhite communities.
Many people mistakenly equate the novel coronavirus with COVID-19, but the ‘rona causes the disease called COVID-19 just as wypipo causes the disease called white supremacy.
The original recipe Americans were just going about their business one day until a ship of coronavirus showed up on the shores and began claiming its manifest destiny. Even though it only affected a small percentage of people, there was no way to tell who had the disease. To protect ourselves, we figured it was probably best to act as if everyone was infected with the disease because a lot of people couldn’t recognize the symptoms.
Soon, there was a
wypipo coronavirus backlash. They started showing up with guns and demanding their rights. The privileged people ignored the devastation that the coronavirus caused to marginalized communities and even pretended that it was something we made up in our heads. Even when they acknowledged that racism COVID-19 existed, our leaders tried to convince us that it would slowly go away if we went about our daily lives.
If we were honest with ourselves and confronted
whiteness the coronavirus, we could have eliminated it. Instead, we pretended that it isn’t the biggest threat to our health and safety. Now, it’s affecting our education system, jobs, the healthcare system and the entire economy. But if we really want a healthy country, we are going to have to vaccinate ourselves before it kills us all.
And it will kill us.
But for now...