In late 2019, after drinking a farm-fresh, free-range, organic kale smoothie latte from a quaint farmers market in a newly-gentrified section of Brooklyn, Karen Rebecca Kaleighanne Ashley Thompson noticed that she had lost her sense of taste and smell. She sniffed two Gwyneth Paltrow vagina-scented candles to no avail. She tried tasting chicken seasoned with two pinches of salt... Nothing.
After checking into a hospital, Karen went downhill. First, she tried using her call button to summon the cops on the black nurses. Then she began demanding that her IV drip be infused with rosewater. Next, while a Hispanic physician used medical terminology to describe her condition, she angrily screamed at him to “speak English! This is America!” Finally, after she demanded that her puppy be allowed in the intensive care unit, doctors were forced to put her on a respirator.
Nothing was wrong with her lungs, they just wanted her to shut the fuck up.
After a series of blood tests and urine samples, physicians finally discovered that she had acquired a never-before-seen pathogen that was highly contagious and often deadly...to black people (she was going to be perfectly fine). In fact, Patient Zero was elated to discover that the mutated pathogen would be named after her.
Actually, the correct medical terminology is Karen’s Acquired Virus Infecting Douchebags in 2019, or KAVID-19 for short.
The virus is deadly because it can live on surfaces inside gated communities for up to 400 years and spreads quickly in warm, damp environments such as washcloth-less showers, yoga studios and Republican conventions.
The virus attaches itself to the brain’s Caucasity receptors and begins to replicate very quickly, eventually shutting down the part of the heart that produces compassion as well as the part of the kidney that filters out racism and entitlement. As these toxins poison the body, the hormonal glands respond by overproducing an abundance of privilege until the body is forced to secrete a mixture of white privilege and anger.
Eventually, all KAVID-19 patients are overcome by an unquenchable desire to speak to a manager.
The Karenavirus is a cousin of the Carolynavirus, named after Carolyn Bryant Dohnam, who caused an outbreak in Money, Miss. in the late summer of 1955 that forced her husband to try an unconventional cure: lynching a 14-year-old.
However, she might have been infected by members of the notoriously powerful white supremacist group, The Daughters of the Confederacy. After white boys got their asses kicked in the Civil War, these pro-Confederate Karens decided to “render it possible for these representatives of our Southern race to retain for that race its supremacy in its own land.”
Early scientists say the early virus was caused by an overabundance of sodium when white women subsisted on salty white tears after getting their asses kicked in the Civil War. Researchers have traced it back to a plantation in South Carolina with a patient named Caroline.
Historical epidemiologists theorized the virus mutated after it jumped from animals to humans when the first group of white women to roam the earth, Homo Samanthanus, began regularly kissing prehistoric wolves in the mouth. The Samanthavirus actually migrated to other continents but doctors speculate that it did not infect Africans or other populations because, even though they also kept canines as pets, non-Europeans were not susceptible to the disease for a simple reason:
They washed their legs.
While only Caucasians seem to be vulnerable to the disease, Here are the exacerbating factors that make some people more susceptible than others, in ascending order of importance*:
- Being a white woman named Karen, Amy, Rebecca or Haley.
- Being a white woman whose name replaces the ē sound with i, “-ee”, y or “-eigh” (Such as Karyn, Ami, Beckee or Haleigh).
- Being a white woman whose name contains consonants and vowels.
- Being a white woman.
- Being a woman.
- Being white.
*While the vast majority of KAVID-19 victims are female, it is important to note that there are rare cases where non-white, non-female victims tested positive the disease including Candace Owens, the men of the McMichael Family in Brunswick, Ga. and President Donald Trump.
The important thing to know about KAVID-19 is that many asymptomatic carriers have tested positive for the Karenavirus. Some of the most common symptoms are:
- White tears: One of the easiest ways to spot KAVID-19 carrier is by noticing the ease with which their tear ducts over-moisturize the eyes. Researchers think this is because the disease poisons the bloodstream with a byproduct called Caucasian brittlenoma, also known as “white fragility.”
- Patriotism: The karenavirus inspires a deep and abiding love for certain American values. In particular, patients display a love for the Second Amendment and something they call “freedoms” while having the ability to ignore justice, equality and diversity. They believe the First Amendment guarantees their right to be racist but not the right to kneel during the anthem.
- Generosity: KAVID-19 patients are very generous. They are likely to offer non-white people a free travel package to “go back to your country” and often arrange transportation with local law enforcement offices.
- Deputization Dysmorphia: Many carriers exhibit a common need to police black bodies. If you venture inside their communities or buildings, they will ask you where you live or who you are going to visit. To inhabit their space, black people must show their credentials or ask for their approval.
- Summoning the Cops: KAVID-19 causes a strange desire to dial 911 on people walking down the street or loitering in coffee shops.
- Dress: Scientists believe that the disease produces a foot fever that makes victims prefer wearing flip flops, running shoes or no shoes at all. While KAVID-19ers dress in various styles, they will always inform you if their clothes have pockets.
- Loss of taste: Karenavirus sufferers prefer variations of regular food. They like macaroni and cheese but with a vegetable-infused cauliflower crust. They cannot taste seasonings or everything becomes spicy.
- Racial expertise: KAVID-19 enables the victims to become experts on the subject of white supremacy. They explain why they cannot be racist, which usually involves a distant relative who married a black person or how they are friends with someone who is almost kinda black-adjacent. Additionally, they are able to spout statistics about black-on-black crime, Chicago and historical examples of how the Democratic Party was racist in 1863.
- Common phrases: KAVID-19 carriers often explain how many times they would have voted for Obama, how they are “losing their freedoms” and why you’re the “real racist.” In the rare case they are forced to apologize, a karenavirus victim will begin by saying they are sorry “if anyone was offended.”
- Hair: If their hair is not covered by a MAGA hat, they will usually sport one of these hairstyles:
The federal government is trying to produce widespread testing as we speak but testing for KAVID-19 is in short supply. Apple and Samsung are currently working on a contract tracing app that lets users know if they have come in contact with a carrier. Antibody testing is not available because karenavirus antibodies are indistinguishable from Becky antigens.
However, state health departments have formed a 5-question questionnaire to diagnose the karenavirus:
- What ingredients do you put in your potato salad?
- Are you a white woman?
- Was the previous question racist?
- Are you offended?
- Would you like to speak to a manager?
There is no known cure for the karenavirus. However, therapeutic remedies include getting the fuck over yourself, being publicly shamed and an experimental treatment that involves a series of bowel-cleansing, percussive face massages, or: “having the shit slapped out of you.”
We are looking for volunteers for our case study.
Black people in America have been dealing with karenavirus mutations for 400 years. We have determined that the best way to flatten the curve and curb this growing pandemic is social distancing.
Stay away from white women.
The Centers for Deezmutherfuckers Control (CDC) also suggest that we start wearing facemasks. The masks don’t protect you from catching KAVID-19 but they provide a valuable deterrent to the karenavirus.
Basically, it gets them to shut the fuck up.