Exclusive Interview With the Buffalo That Attacked a White Woman Trying to Colonize a Bison Herd

Illustration for article titled Exclusive Interview With the Buffalo That Attacked a White Woman Trying to Colonize a Bison Herd
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After watching a recent viral video showing a white woman biker getting her pants ripped by a buffalo at South Dakota’s Custer State Park, The Root decided that we must take action.

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The Custer County Chronicle reports:

Custer County Sheriff Marty Mechaley reports a woman was attacked by a buffalo along Iron Mountain Road in Custer State Park on Wednesday. Mechaley says the victim had to be transported by Black Hills Life Flight...Just last week the sheriff’s office issued an advisory on its Facebook page urging visitors to keep their distance from buffalo.

UPDATE: Mechaley reports this morning that the victim, a 54-year-old Iowa woman, somehow escaped serious injury in the incident. He says, according to eyewitnesses, the woman had gotten off the motorcycle on which she was a passenger and was attempting to approach a buffalo calf when another adult bison charged her catching her belt and jeans on its horn and swung her around violently. She was apparently saved when her pants came off and she fell to the ground unconscious. He says at that point the attacking animal ran off along with the rest of the herd.

In an attempt to curb the recent trend of anti-white violence, we and set up an exclusive interview with Michael the Buffalo to hear his side of the story.

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The Root: Hello, Mr. Buffalo. It’s great to meet you. I know you’ve been inundated with media requests since the attack.

Michael the Buffalo: Just call me Mike. Mike Bison. Everyone calls me “Iron Mike.”

TR: After the boxer?

MTB: What’s a boxer? I’m called “Iron Mike” because I’m known to get heated and flatten jeans. Coming from one of the herd’s more prominent families, I felt it was my duty to protect my homeboys.

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TR: You’re famous? For what?

MTB: I’m a well-known influencer. You know that logo for the Buffalo Wild Wings? That’s me. My cousin was the logo for the Chicago Bulls and my grandfather inspired that song by Bob Marley. Everyone thinks it was about the all-black infantry and calvary who served after the Civil War. But it’s really about a cape buffalo who sacrificed his life for the first oxtails.

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If you know your history, then you would know where you coming from.

TR: I see. Well, tell me what happened during the attack?

MTB: What attack? Why do you keep calling it an “attack?” If someone violates your rights and you fear for your life, it’s not an attack. You know how white women are. I figured she was about to call the park police on one of my fellow activists and I feared for our lives.

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I didn’t even use excessive force. I just took off her pants!

TR: Why her pants, though?

MTB: Because I wanted to respect her Second Amendment rights.

TR: Huh? What does this have to do with the right to bear arms?

MTB: Look, I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m a buffalo!

I don’t discriminate against legs and people’s other extremities. It’s all arms to me. And I was helping Karen bear them.

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TR: Fair point. Well, let’s start from the beginning. How did this all start?

MTB: Well, it all started as a peaceful protests against the people who were attending the Sturgis Biker Rally. We have been mistreated for centuries but, every year, five hundred thousand bikers come into our neighborhood and cause all kinds of violence. So we finally decided to take a stand.

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TR: What do you mean. How are you mistreated?

MTB: Well, you’d have to know your buffalo history to understand it. Ever since white men came to our country, we have been mistreated. They look at us as animals. As if we’re a threat.

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TR: But you are an animal.

MTB: So are humans. But we don’t demean your entire species for the acts of a few. If we thought all humans were like Buffalo Bill, I’d be charging your ass right now. Now, I want to make sure that I am clear about this; not all humans treat us badly. I let a human ride me when I was in college. Some of my best friends are human.

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Native Americans only hunted us when they had to eat. Plus, they used all of our parts and they only used bow and arrows. Look at me. You think I’m scared of a goddamned arrow? We used to laugh at them shits. As far as we were concerned, if you got murked in a driveby on a horse, you were a liability to the herd, anyway.

But when the pale people came over, things started getting bad. They started using us for free labor. Then they would just kill us for no reason. Eventually, they segregated us into state parks and stole our grazing land. They tried to say the land would be “separate but equal” but we knew what was up.

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TR: So why did you choose to protest?

MTB: Well, we’re just tired of the disrespect.

First of all, when we heard on Buffalobook (It’s like Facebook, but there are a lot less white supremacists) that Donald Trump was elected we thought everything was going to be good because he’s orange, so we thought he was going to be different. But before he took office, he started spreading racist garbage against us.

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TR: Wait, are you saying Trump is racist...against buffalo?

MTB: Look, you don’t have to take my word for it. He promised to repeal Obama’s National Bison Legacy Act and said we belonged on a plate beside baked potatoes and not as a symbol of national pride. Then his U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service refused to protect us.

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That’s why we decided to organize the Million Bison March (There are only 200,000 of us, so we came up a little short). Our goal was to stop all these buffalo-hating motorcycle gangs from killing us.

TR: Why do you think people who ride motorcycle gangs are anti-buffalo?

MTB: As a Pancattleist, I don’t trust any white man wearing leather in the summertime. They’re always up to something.

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I stand in my solidarity with my fellow ungulates who are being killed for their meat; my cashmere goat brothers who are being slaughtered by the sweater industry and all my bovine brothers out there.

TR: So why did you choose to attack this lady specifically?

MTB: Like I said, I feared for my life.

Plus, when you see a white woman chilling in your neighborhood, this is what you are supposed to do.I’ve been to Brooklyn. I know how gentrification starts. I refuse to let them put a Panera Bread and a Starbucks over our grazing land. You gotta nip that shit in the bud.

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TR: So you grabbed the bull by the horns?

MTB: That’s racist.

TR: My bad. So what are your plans for the future? Do you have any more protests planned?

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MTB: Right now we’re focused on gun control reform and reparations for all of the buffalo wings that they sold using our likeness. We demand compensation from the Buffalo Bills, the bison burger industry and residuals from Malcolm McLauren’s 1982 hit song.

Ultimately, we just want to be treated with dignity and respect. We want fair representation in the media. Why are their so many

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TR: Is there anything you’d like to say to the people who support your cause?

MTB: Please don’t forget all the Yaks out there who gave their lives for the wig and weave industry.

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TR: Wait...that’s not where weave comes from.

MTB: You must have never been on a Tyler Perry set.

Yak Lives Matter.


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DISCUSSION

City folk. What did you expect.

Just because you ride a motorcycle across the country, wear leather chaps (involuntarily) supplied by some poor bovine (That buffalo knows what time it is!), and show no regard for nature, does not make you a wildlife expert. This is the wilderness, not a petting zoo.

I’d like to see her try that stunt with a coyote, bear, or mountain lion. (No, you may not play fetch with the mangy doggie, hug the cute teddy bear, or pat the big kitty cat.)

Growing up on a farm, I can tell you there are domesticated cattle that will try to kill you given the chance.  You can’t scratch them all behind the ears.