Boy, the Sunken Place must get lonely this time of year.
Candace Owens—the Otis that not even the RNC came to see—is blaming Amazon workers for sabotaging the distribution of her new book on racist things said by a Black person so white people have deniability. (I’m assuming that’s what it’s about since that’s a damn good description of her general platform.) On Saturday, Jason Whitlock’s female doppelgänger took to Twitter to make bold claims that around “1,000 people have written to let me know that your employees appear to be stomping on and in this case, smearing Vaseline on my books before mailing them.”
Owens’ book, Blackout—which I’m assuming is named that because White-in was a little too on the nose for her—is a thing a lot of people probably didn’t know about until she tweeted about copies being vandalized before they reach consumer’s hands. But I would never suggest that’s the true reason behind her accusatory tweet. In fact, I’m going to write the first part of this article under the assumption that she’s telling the truth.
An ode to the fine employees at Amazon:
Amazon workers for the win.
For every time I cussed y’all out because my size-13 Air Force 1s arrived a week late and got delivered to my neighbor’s house by mistake...I deeply apologize.
You’re doing the Lord’s work.
You are a credit to the nation of people who prefer their potato salad raisin-less, their claps on the two and four, their president Black and their house negro propaganda nonexistent.
Look at God. (And by “God,” I mean the people who keep Jeff Bezos alive.)
Know that you are loved. Know that you are heroes. Know that we salute you as true patriots, you beautiful defilers of boot-licker prose.
Keep up the good work. (Because I heard Diamond and Silk have a book coming out too.)
Now that that’s out of the way, I’m going to proceed under the assumption that Owens is not telling the truth:
Nigga, stop lying.
First of all, how do we know your followers of Black people who say white people things didn’t smudge up those copies themselves before sending you photos to tweet? Hell, why didn’t they send you the damaged copies so that, at the very least, you could use the Vaseline to finally lay down them been-Blexited edges of yours? You could’ve been gluing them split ends together this whole time, but you playing around on Blue Ivy’s Twitter instead.
And you’re saying this happened to 1,000 people? That seems like a well-coordinated effort to me. Let me find out there exists a faction of rogue Amazon employees determined to keep all literature authored by the Aunt Ruckus’ and Mrs. Clayton Bigsby’s of the world from reaching their readers unsullied. I just want to know where to send my donations.
If I were a person who slings accusations around without offering proof, I might suggest that this whole Vaselinegate tweet of yours is really just a ploy to sell books. I might even offer up your followup tweet promoting “the next 100,000” copies that you “plan to sell” as evidence that your tweet was really just one big commercial for your book of things white people will pat you on the head for saying like the white supremacist lapdog you are.
I’m just saying: Either a whole lot of people hate you so much that they’re willing to put their jobs on the line just to damage your book in a way that can be easily fixed with a wet paper towel, or you’re full of shit and you need to get all the way the fuck over yourself.
*in my best David Ruffin voice*
Ain’t nobody coming to read you, Owens.