Jesus was just a metaphor.
Whether or not one believes in the story of Yeshua ben Yosef as miracle or mythology, we can all agree on three things:
- He had rock hard abs.
- He was the best person to be around when you ran out of wine.
- He was expendable.
If God actually sent his child to die for our sins, then the Messiah’s entire earthly existence was only served when he became an important but disposable metaphor for his daddy’s grace and forgiveness. For God so loved the world that he let his son be beaten, flogged and nailed to a cross.
And, even though Yeshua ben Yosef was the most essential worker, he was human. He doubted God. He talked back to his parents. And even when he fed an entire multitude, a few of the 5,000 people at Jesus’ fish fry complained that he didn’t have hot sauce. But there is one person who ranks even higher than Jesus.
Nobody fucks with Mary.
She remains unblemished. To believe in Jesus, one must also accept the concept of his mother’s perpetual virginity—that she was and is still a virgin even though she was married and somehow gave birth to other children! If you don’t understand how this concept works, then you just don’t have faith. For Mary to be accepted as the vessel through which the savior came, she had to be pure and innocent.
According to the Catholic faith, speaking against the Blessed Virgin Mother of God is as offensive as blaspheming God himself (Which I didn’t do. I was just pointing things out). While some states jailed people who insulted mama Christ, there are countries where anti-Mary rhetoric is punishable by death.
Mary is also a metaphor...
For white women.
Amy Coney Barrett is a metaphor.
Ask writer, constitutional scholar and one of the most beloved Afro Americans (until Questlove returns to his roots) Elie Mystal about blaspheming against the Blessed Mother of Whites. Mystal was on the receiving end of Caucasian consternation when he said something out loud that I only know about because no less than 10 people texted me a variation of “Did you hear what this heifer Amy Barrett just said about her secondhand negro children?” The justice who once ruled that being called a nigger does not constitute a hostile work environment described her white children as smart while explaining that her Black children were carefree kids who often exercised their mouths and muscles.
“Emma is a sophomore in college who just might follow her parents into a career in the law,” wrote Barrett in her opening statement. “Next is Vivian, who came to us from Haiti. When Vivian arrived, she was so weak that we were told she might never talk or walk normally. But now she deadlifts as much as the male athletes at our gym, and I assure you that she has no trouble talking.
“Tess is 16, and while she shares her parents’ love for the liberal arts, she also has a math gene that seems to have skipped her parents’ generation,” said Amy “Combless” Barrett (Seriously, why does her hair look like the “before” picture in a Pantene commercial?) “John Peter joined us shortly after the devastating earthquake in Haiti, and Jesse, who brought him home, still describes the shock on JP’s face when he got off the plane in wintertime Chicago.”
The National Review’s Isaac Schorr immediately blasted Mystal’s spot-on hateful attack against the thong-hating judge. Yes, Barrett is reportedly connected to a conservative religious sect that believes true Christians don’t wear thongs (Which is how I know my grandmother is saved, sanctified and filled with the grandma panty Holy Ghost). Schorr immediately defended the blessed Mother of Bloomers from Mystal’s “vanity, racial insensitivity, and cruelty” because Mystal’s accurate summarization “for likes and retweets speaks to his own vanity, racial insensitivity, and cruelty.”
“Only a fanatic could draw the conclusion that Mystal did from Barrett’s statement,” Schorr wrote Caucasianly. “Only a woman with the uncommon talent, grace, and faith of Amy Coney Barrett could find it in her heart to forgive Mystal.”
Schorr seems to be a big fan of a right-wing fanatics openly committed to imposing their religious zealotry on women’s right to choose, even if it means the mother’s death. I’m sure Mystal is moved by the “uncommon grace” of a woman who isn’t opposed to hopping into the stolen Supreme Court seat still warm with the memory of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who is probably sitting on the right hand of God’s baby boy whispering: “Not this motherfucker, please...Oh, my bad Jesus.”
But if Schorr’s defensive shut-up-niggering was not enough to convince you of the untouchability of white womanhood, check out the response to Rep. Ilhan Omar’s (D-Minn.) assertion that Republicans would shit their not-thongs if Amy Coney Barrett’s fundamentalist beliefs were rooted in Islam instead of the sanctity of ancient zombieism:
Ilhan Omar was wrong, though.
We wouldn’t see Republicans lose their minds. Republicans did lose their minds in 2006 when Rep. Keith Ellison chose to use a Quran at his swearing-in ceremony. Diet white supremacist Dennis Prager called it “an act of hubris that perfectly exemplifies multiculturalist activism—my culture trumps America’s culture,” and asked how people would respond if a racist were elected to Congress, apparently forgetting about Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) or (insert Republican name here). Rep. Virgil Goode had a legitimate reason for hating Ellison’s decision, writing that if he was allowed to do it “there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Quran.”
Goddamn, that’s racist.
(Seriously, God. Could you damn Virgil Goode for me, please?)
Shortly before explaining how he tries to be “tolerant” of homosexual marriage, during a debate with Senate hopeful Jaime Harrison, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham said he hoped Democrats wouldn’t “attack” Barrett’s religious freedom like the head of his party did by insinuating that Barack Obama was Muslim or chanting that Omar should be sent back to Africa.
For the sake of fairness, Schorr, Lindsey Graham and Amy Coney Barrett wrote eloquently about their Christian faith and how their religion informed their feelings on the GOP’s racism at this archived link.
The point is, don’t fuck with white women.
When liberals “attacked” beer-drinking frat-boy Brett Kavanaugh, conservatives jumped to his defense by calling Democrats liars. Anyone who hates Trump is a “snowflake.” The rancor against the police officers is reverse racism.
But anyone who speaks ill of the white woman is a particularly rancid kind of demon. Any affront on white womanhood rises to the level of blasphemy. And Amy Coney Barrett is a God-fearing, Christian woman who loves her country, saves the lives of unborn babies and always wears solid color underwear when she’s shopping for factory refurbished negro athletes to fill her quiver.
But I sincerely hope she’ll be fine.
I’m talking about Ilhan Omar. I’m not worried about Amy Longstockings because white people will kill you about messing with a white woman.
Ask Elie Mystal. Ask Ilhan Omar. Ask Bill Burr. Ask the Democratic members of the Senate. Ask the barbed wire-wrapped neck of Emmitt Till. Ask the charred remains of the residents who lived in the Greenwood section of Tulsa, Okla.
Or perhaps, when you get a chance, you can ask all the women who will be forced to accept whatever Jesus instructs Amy to do with their vaginas.
When asked if they supported Barrett’s nomination, neither Jesus or the dude in the throne to his left responded to our request for comment.
Even they know not to fuck with white women.