Book No One Should Buy Alleges Trump Made Racist Remarks About Barack Obama, Nelson Mandela

Illustration for article titled Book No One Should Buy Alleges Trump Made Racist Remarks About Barack Obama, Nelson Mandela
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

I know you’re gonna find this hard to believe but, there’s a book coming out from someone who worked with Trump for years that outlines Trump’s corruption, lies and racist statements. And, according to a manuscript not obtained by The Root, the upcoming tell-all also contains the shocking revelations that Diamond and Silk didn’t have very high SAT scores, senior adviser Stephen Miller isn’t a big fan of Sanford and Son, and that Education Secretary Betsy DeVos thought the school-to-prison pipeline was a stop on the Underground Railroad.

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No, it’s not former National Security Adviser and warmongering coward John Bolton, whose book, The Room Where It Happened, detailed the same subjects after he left the Trump administration (which is ironic, considering Bolton’s majestic hit song “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You”). Nope, it’s not Omarosa’s wig. It’s not Trump’s niece Mary “MAGA-leen” Trump or Kellyanne Conway the “anonymous” White House insider. This is about a totally different person who willingly worked with a corrupt, racist, lying president and then decided to warn the country that the president is a corrupt racist liar.

This particular book is by Trump’s former fixer and current prisoner No. 7779311, Michael Cohen, who is penning a tome about his time working with a certain reality show host who fanned the flames of white supremacy and then waltzed across the path created by the scorched earth campaign straight into the Oval Office.

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Cohen was briefly released and put on home confinement by the Federal Bureau of Prisons because of COVID-19 concerns but was sent back to the Big House for reportedly violating the terms of his home confinement. In papers filed in federal court, Cohen’s legal team alleges that Cohen—the Maurice Levy to America’s Avon Barksdale-in-Chief—was remanded back into federal custody because he is writing a tell-all about his time managing the re-up for President Trump, according to NBC. Cohen’s lawyers argue that the re-incarceration is a violation of his First Amendment rights.

The Washington Post reports:

The book will contain “my firsthand experiences and observations based on my decade-long employment and relationship with Mr. Trump and his family, both before and after he was elected,” according to an affirmation from Cohen to the court. Its working title is “Disloyal: The True Story of Michael Cohen, Former Personal Attorney to President Donald J. Trump,” the documents say.

“In particular, my book will provide graphic and unflattering details about the President’s behavior behind closed doors,” Cohen wrote. The memoir “describes the President’s pointedly anti-Semitic remarks and virulently racist remarks against such Black leaders as President Barack Obama and Nelson Mandela, neither of whom he viewed as real leaders or as worthy of respect by virtue of their race.”

To be fair, I’m sure Trump only disparaged Nelson Mandela because he thought the heralded freedom fighter was changing the language of match play in South Africa by eliminating a par “tie in Africa. But is there anyone who isn’t convinced that Trump says racist shit about Obama every day? I imagine that Trump calls Obama a “dindoo” every time the presidential Diet Cokes aren’t sufficiently cooled to 24.3 degrees. Who needs to read former Qyburn’s account of his time as Hand of the Queen during the Lannister administration to know that Cersei Lannister was evil? Why does the publishing industry continue to offer book deals to the shady profiteers who worked in Satan’s inner circle when DMX informed us 22 years ago what it’s like inside this anus-like administration?

We already know: It’s dark and hell is hot

But I always like to accent the positive.

Since Senior Editor Stephen Crockett is out for the day, I’d like to take this opportunity to lighten his workload by offering this journalistic Mad Lib for when Stephen has to cover the next literary expose from the Trump administration’s never-ending parade of authoritarian co-conspirators-turned-whistleblower:

Breaking News:

(Dirtbag sycophant name) has inked a seven-figure book deal with (unscrupulous publishing company) detailing his/her time as (Name of position achieved despite having no qualifications or relevant expertise) inside the Trump administration. (Unimaginative book title with a salacious subtitle that sounds like an Enquirer headline) includes shocking details on how Trump profited from the presidency, called Harriet Tubman an “uppity negress” and refused to read his daily briefings unless staffers acted out intelligence reports with puppets to the theme song from “Muppet Babies.”

The book is scheduled to be released on (date that coincides with next scandal, allowing you to maximize your profiteering.)

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Or, as noted political expert Earl Simmons said in his political expose that outlined the four-step process of leaving the Trump Administration and becoming a best-selling author:

  1. Stop: You know you joined an evil administration but you suddenly realize that you didn’t think it would be this evil.
  2. Drop: Trump fires you from the evil administration.
  3. Shut ‘em down: Clean up your image by going on a tour pretending you want to help end the evil you helped create.
  4. Open up shop: Get a book deal.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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DISCUSSION

This particular book is by Trump’s former fixer and current prisoner No. 7779311, Michael Cohen

This was the laugh I needed today!