Dear Prospective SuperNegroes,
By now you should have received your certified letter informing you that people of African descent will receive superpowers on Dec. 21, when Jupiter and Saturn align for the first time in nearly 400 years. According to researchers at the University of Twitter, this will unlock the melanated magic in Black people, granting them never-before-seen gifts beyond the ability to clap on beat and resist dumping artichokes into potato salad.
Before this occurs, we wanted to prepare you for this glorious day, as well as spell out a few best practices for this operating system update. To do this, the National Institute for Genetic Gifts and Astronomic Superpowers (N.I.G.G.A.S) assembled a panel of experts, which includes:
- Jerome Jamaal Jenkins Jr.: JJ-Squared became the first documented time traveler in 1943 when his mother Earlene actually slapped him into next week.
- Yasmine James: A former McDonald’s employee who became an instructor at the Dora Milaje School of Wishing a Motherfucker Would.
- Adrienne Banfield Norris: The Red Table Talk co-host is either an immortal goddess or an ageless vampire. Either way, we needed her advice.
- Dr. Gregg Carr: The law professor, history scholar and chair of Howard University’s Afro American Studies Department is just smart AF.
- Raven the Science Maven: We commissioned the scientific spitter and self-proclaimed “Big ole Geek” to freestyle a scientific explanation.
- Marshawn Lynch: We have long suspected that “Beast Mode” is an actual superhero. However, he claimed he only joined our panel so he wouldn’t get fined.
The first thing you must be aware of is that you won’t be able to choose which superhuman gift you will obtain. The powers will be determined by your previous work for resistance and liberation. For instance, Iesha Evans may become a telepath with the ability to read minds, while Candace Owens may only become a bowelpath—finally gaining the capacity to know when she’s full of shit. Civil rights hero Claudette Colvin may gain the ability to teleport through time and space while Lil’ MAGA Wayne could earn his status as a “real G” with the ability to “move in silence like lasagna.”
Secondly, all Black people will receive these powers, regardless of religion, class or political affiliation, which necessarily presents some problems. Although our Caucasian counterparts will still retain the ultimate gift of white privilege, they will undoubtedly gain access to our unprecedented abilities through subterfuge and brainwashing. Ben Carson has already agreed to lend his super senses to Donald Trump, meaning Trump might actually become a “very stable genius.” Although the Negro Solstice will not affect transracial icon Rachel Dolezal, the Kardashians will undoubtedly find a way to succubus the superpowers from a naive-but extra-gifted Black man.
We must protect Zion Williamson from Kendall Jenner at all costs.
Once your talents are downloaded we ask that you practice extreme caution. If you think white people are terrified of regular Black people jogging, sleeping in their own beds or armed with Skittles and Arizona Iced Tea, imagine how terrified they will be of bulletproof NIGGAS. Thankfully, we know the police won’t treat us any differently...
They already treat us like we’re all bulletproof niggers.
This leads me to my third point: No revenge.
I know it will be tempting to go smite all the white people who have caused us harm but, trust me, it will not work. It’s easy to use your X-ray vision to go searching for the cops who killed Breonna Taylor or get one of your super-strength homeboys to slap the shit out of Daniel Cameron, but what will it solve?
Sure, it might make you feel good (OK, “might” may be understating it a little) but—unless there’s a defund-the-police superpower, it really won’t make a difference. Instead of pointing your laser vision at that kangaroo pouch under Mitch McConnell’s chin, you should ask your telepathic cousin to read white people’s minds and figure out why they continue to vote against their own interests. I know the answer will be racism. (The answer is always racism.) But at least we’d have proof when they try to present that bullshit “economic anxiety” narrative. It might be fun to use your electromagnetic gift to shock the shit out of Donald Trump every time he says something racist, stupid or patently untrue but come on man, you’re gonna wear yourself out. That’s enough electricity to light up a small Eastern European country.
And finally, you should be prepared for the outrage when white people find out that Black people have superpowers.
First of all, you should be aware of the phenomenon of economic gentrification—when white people move into Black neighborhoods because we have a homegirl who can harness lightning. (I already know what you’re thinking: Yes, her Black superhero name will be “The Plug.” They’ll never give her credit for solving global warming, though.)
White people will surely be mad. For the first time, Black privilege and reverse racism will actually exist, which means we have to enact a set of new millennium white codes. Of course, we will probably need officers to enforce these new Karen Crow rules. Given the fact that our powers are relatively new, combined with white people’s historical craftiness, who can blame a heat vision-enabled supercop for accidentally torching an unarmed white person?
Immortals fear for their lives, too!
To make sure our criminal justice system works, we will only hire cops who are empaths and can look at the whites and tell if they’re guilty. Accordingly, there won’t be a need for that “fair trial” bullshit. We should also decrease funding to historically white colleges and majority-white school districts. Or maybe we can send their kids to their own schools. Why should we have to spend resources teaching them their history just because they can’t time travel and see it for themselves? If they would just focus harder and concentrate on family, they might get superpowers one day. It’s not up to us to even the playing field.
Speaking of playing fields, they bet’ not kneel during the playing of “Back Dat Azz Up” before every football game. Voter ID won’t work for us because many of us will become shapeshifters. However, just to be safe, we should purge the regular human beings’ names off the voter rolls and make them wait in long lines while we vote telekinetically. I know there’s no evidence of widespread white voter fraud but you can’t be too careful.
Of course, we will save a lot of money by paying them lower wages. Why should employers shoulder that financial burden just because whites can’t take lunch breaks by shifting the space-time continuum? You know what? Why do we have to pay them at all when we are the ones with all the power? It’s not racist to round them up and use them for free labor; it’s about economics.
This may sound like I have either traveled to the future or have lost my mind, but I am neither a crazy person nor am I a soothsayer. If the idea of Black people having some kind of genetic disposition that gives them the ability to control everyone else sounds the least bit preposterous...
Think of how insane the idea of white supremacy sounded 400 years ago.
Merry NIGGApower Day.