Nothing and no one makes the internet hum quite like Black folks.
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Imagine a world without Black Twitter (or X…whatever) – just nonstop headlines about Taylor Swift and whomever she’s dating who’ll be the subject of her next “heartbreak” album. But for every bit of tea that gets us buzzing between Zoom work meetings and forced idle chatter with colleagues, there’s a good amount of mess that wears on us and makes our eyes roll in the back of our heads.
Here are seven trends, things and people we can absolutely leave behind in 2023. Make these part of your resolutions, please.
The same ol’ dating conversations
Discourse about dating and partnership expectations among Black folks has been a thing since I was in college in the 1990s, and it’s showing no signs of slowing down. Problem is, it’s all ridiculously tired. The Cheesecake Factory was dragged into the muck this year when it topped a viral bad-first-date list. That damn near everyone I know can find something they like on the 1,034-page Cheesecake Factory menu aside, the answer to all this is simple: Find the human who wants to go where you wanna go on dates and keep it pushing. How hard is this??
“Manosphere” podcasts
Everyone knows there’s no shortage of brothers out there who’ll never like Black women (or any women, really) no matter what they do. But some of these clowns take it to the next level and start podcasts dedicated to bi***ing and moaning about women because they were constantly rejected in high school and never got over it. The Kevin Samuels Show and Fresh and Fit were two of the most successful Black “manosphere” podcasts. Fresh and Fit was demonetized by YouTube this year, and we all know what happened to Samuels. More of this energy for the rest of these fools, please.
Taylor Swift
It’s not that I have a problem with Swift per se (That one folk-y album she dropped in 2020 lowkey kinda slaps). It’s that we’re in the middle of a full-blown war-slash-humanitarian crisis and every other news alert I get focuses on her relationship (situationship?) with Kansas City Chiefs player Travis Kelce. I promise I gain nothing from the knowledge that Tay-Tay and Kelce bent over to tie their shoes simultaneously in a coffee shop last Tuesday.
Those vampire bat eyelashes
The less said about them, the better. Burn ‘em with hellfire.
Bad business practices in Black establishments
There’s a reason TikTok influencer Keith Lee made national headlines bringing the Atlanta dining scene to its knees with his reviews: The truth stings like a bastard. We all want to support Black business, but quite a few restaurant owners take advantage of our good will by overcharging, exploiting us and curating an overall experience that’ll just send us to the Waffle House up the street. I hope everyone learned a valuable lesson from the Lee madness, because if I just want to get some waffles and bacon for carryout instead of waiting two hours for a table, then dammit, it shouldn’t be so hard.
Shooting videos from the car seat
I’m not sure when or with whom this trend started, but I first saw it with “relationship guru” Derrick Jaxn delivering advice he didn’t follow himself. Folks seem to think their video will hit more if they shoot it while sitting in the driver seat of their Nissan Sentra. And these car videos never contain valuable information like, say, a bourbon bacon peanut butter cookie recipe. It’s always some bloviating foolishness.
Defending objectively terrible dudes
The back-breaking in which some folks engage to defend men who are well-known scumbags, obvious criminals or both is unfortunate – and more than a tad scary. Using “they’re trying to tear down successful Black men” to defend the likes of Diddy, Bill Cosby and R. Kelly is counterproductive, and never actually acknowledges the “they.” If you need to defend a Black man today, send me a DM and I’ll forward a list of them who aren’t sucking up sexual assault allegations like sunflower seeds.
Everything (and we mean everything) related to ‘The Slap’
Who would’ve thought popping someone upside the head during one of the year’s most televised live events would’ve had such an enduring shelf life? It’s been the better part of two whole years since Will Smith disappointed his white fans by attacking Chris Rock, and the story keeps hanging around like an unpaid bill. Smith has responded. Rock has responded, Jada Pinkett Smith has responded (via one of the most exhausting book tours ever.) Last week, she called it a “Holy Slap” that saved her marriage, which was just the rancid cherry on top I needed to never want to hear about it again, Ever.
Student loans
The COVID-19 pandemic proved that the world can and will go on if folks don’t have to pay back the nearly $2 trillion we owe in student loan debt. To his credit, President Joe Biden’s administration erased a whole bunch of student loans for everyone, but let’s keep that party going. Yes, fiscal responsibility is important, but I simply don’t feel bad for not having to drain my pockets so these universities can have a lazy river.
Blueface and Chrisean Rock
Put a gun to my head and I couldn’t name one Blueface song. But ask me about the dreadfully toxic public relationship and co-parenting situation between him and Chrisean Rock and I can at least tell you that their photo should sit next to “cautionary tale” in the dictionary. Every headline or tweet about them that’s come across any device of mine has been entirely against my will, and I’m seeking damages.
Getting fooled by A.I. only to play dumb
We’ve all seen it: A “vintage” photo of dapper Black kids in the 1920s or young Afro’d ladies draped in Spelman College gear on social media, with seven or eight “that’s soooo beautiful!” or “Black people are undefeated” comments before someone inevitably points out that the photo is A.I. Everyone who was obviously fooled plays stupid: “Oh I knew it wasn’t real I just thought it was cool!” A.I. isn’t solid enough yet to blur the lines of reality, but too many of y’all are still getting got. If your eyes really can’t discern A.I., check out the hands – they are always missing a finger or three. Then get the lenses in your prescription glasses checked.
“Soft life”
Every interpretation of “soft life” has been described to me, from “I’m protecting my peace” to “I need to secure the bag with as little resistance as possible.” No explanations account for the fact that life, inherently, is not “soft:” even if you’re like the Hilton sisters and you inherited the bag the moment you fell out of your mom, you still have to worry about chronic health issues with you and your loved ones, wars, weather patterns that can kill you and catching Listeria from eating spinach. Ditch “soft” — talk to me about “balanced.”
Kanye West
Ye has been on the “go away” list perennially for years now. At some point, watching an absurdly successful billionaire throw on-camera temper tantrums because he’s not getting the respect he feels he deserves from (white) people goes from funny to tragic. He’s given Black folks every reason under the sun to hit the abort button on his ass, but he keeps popping back up like a case of genital herpes. I’m cool with revisiting the old albums and hoping the “New Kanye” beats it forever.
Straight From 
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