Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s get to this football.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, and try again.
Before the Lord broke character and decided to show mercy on Sunday, Jacksonville was 0-5 this year and had somehow lost 20 consecutive regular-season games. Urban Meyer had thus far proven himself to be the 20th consecutive terrible hire at head coach, the team was brimming with turmoil, and the Jaguars were basically waiting for the season to end so that they could stop embarrassing themselves for a living.
But a funny thing happened along the way, and that rather hilarious thing was some guy named Tua Tagovailoa (don’t ask me to pronounce that out loud) and the Miami Dolphins, who entered Sunday’s matchup on a quest to end their own four-game skid.
So since one of these raggedy-ass teams had to win, it might as well have been the one who marched down the field and pulled this rabbit out of a hat as time expired:
After his first game at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium in London, rookie quarterback Trevor Lawrence not only collected his first passport stamp, but his first win in the pros as the Jags prevailed 23-20. Congrats, good sir.
“He was telling me he was like a software engineer like a month and a half ago,” Lawrence said of kicker Matthew Wright, who saved the day. “Just crazy, you can’t even make it up.”
In his first game back after suffering fractured ribs, Tagovailoa finished with 329 passing yards and two touchdown passes, but admitted he wasn’t completely himself. Bruh, we don’t even know what “completely yourself” even looks like at this stage of your career, but OK.
“I’m not 100%, but I was 100% ready to be out there,” he said.
Getting your first win as an NFL quarterback is kind of a big deal, so please clap it up for Trevor Lawrence and Matthew Wright’s foot, ladies and gentlemen.
Read that again because it’s true.
Yes, the Bucs, Rams, Ravens, Bills, and whoever else are doing damage, but the only undefeated team under Roger Goodell’s oppressive thumb resides in Arizona, and at this point, it’s looking like it might be a hot minute before they catch their first L.
On Sunday, the Cleveland Browns became their latest victim. Kyler Murray continued his MVP bid with another masterful performance that included spreading the love between the three-headed monster of A.J. Green (79 receiving yards, one TD), Christian Kirk (75 receiving yards, one TD), and Nuk (55 receiving yards, two TDs), and was even kind enough to show mercy by only beating the dog shit out of the Browns by 23 points.
Not bad for a team playing without its head coach, Kliff Kingsbury, its superstar linebacker, Chandler Jones, and other players due to COVID-19.
“It was a rough week,” Cardinals defensive coordinator Vance Joseph admitted. “No one wavered. No one blinked. Every day it was bad news.”
“I think we were even more excited because the odds seemed stacked against us,” Murray said. “It was on us to give them our best.”
As for the Browns, to add insult to injury—or I guess injury to insult in this instance—the team not only lost its second straight game for the first time under coach Kevin Stefanski, but collected a few more injuries they already couldn’t afford. Baker Mayfield wrecked his already troublesome shoulder (“It feels like shit,” he admitted to reporters), Odell Beckham Jr. tweaked his own shoulder, and Kareem Hunt got carted off the field with a calf injury.
Things aren’t looking particularly great in Cleveland.
“I mean, it dislocated again and then slipped out again on a non-contact play, so just got to figure out a way to get better,” Mayfield explained to reporters.
Despite the injury, Baker said he “absolutely” expects to play against the Denver Broncos on Thursday. And speaking of the Broncos...
With Jon Gruden’s punk ass kicked to the curb, the Raiders had every excuse to implode on Sunday and spend the rest of their season going down in flames. But because the Broncos exist solely to torment me, of course they lost their third straight game against Las Vegas after winning their first three against the likes of the Jags, Giants, and Jets—who are a combined 3-14 this season. Yay!
That’s pretty much all I have to say about this game because motherfuck my Broncos. The entire coaching staff kiss my entire ass and write a love song about it, then proceed to rot in hell for eternity.
- Aaron Rogers, who may or may not be a cyborg, made it a point to remind the Chicago Bears who daddy is:
- The Baltimore Ravens defense, who shut down a Chargers offense that has been running it up all season.
- Donovan Peoples-Jones who caught a body that nobody is talking about:
Catch y’all next week.