Well, hello there.
“This ain’t no tall order, this is nothin’ to me,
Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week...”
—Jay-Z, “Diamond From Sierra Leone (Remix)”
If you had woken me up Sunday morning, glanced into a crystal ball, and been like, “Guess who’s gonna get their ass split to the white meat today? The Cardinals.” I would’ve looked at the schedule, seen they were playing Detroit, and laughed in your face—complimentary morning breath and all. But lo and behold, that improbable prophecy came true, as the Lions (2-11-1) really stomped out the Cardinals (10-4) 30-12. Like, this actually happened. Like, in real life.
Sure, Arizona wide receiver Christain Kirk did his thing (94 receiving yards, one touchdown), but it was nowhere near enough against the relentless onslaught of Amon-Ra St. Brown (90 receiving yards, one touchdown), an uncharacteristically sharp Jared Goff (216 passing yards, three touchdowns, 139.7 passer rating), and domestic terrorist Charles Harris (12 tackles, 1.5 sacks, three tackles for loss, and a pair of QB hits).
This game was the textbook definition of “any given Sunday.” And while Arizona fans will roll their eyes and point to their 10-4 record, the fact remains that they’ve lost two straight at a time they should be firing on all cylinders—even without the services of five-time Pro Bowler DeAndre Hopkins.
“They were hungrier than us,” Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray said. “They played harder than us.”
Getting your ass whooped by the worst team in the league is never a good look—imagine a world where Ja Rule prevailed over 50 Cent—so hopefully Arizona gets its shit together before the Los Angeles Rams seize control of the NFC West.
The only thing I hate more than watching Tom Brady continue to laugh in the face of Father Time is the Los Angeles Lakers. So trust and believe it brought me great joy to watch Tampa Bay’s offense disintegrate under the oppressive rule of one Cameron Tyler Jordan (five tackles, two sacks, two tackles for loss, three QB hits) on Sunday.
Not only was Tom
Terrific Geriatric shut out at home for the first time in the history of ever—the final score was 9-0 and we’re all better for it—but Mr. Jordan was kind enough to talk his shit after collecting the 100th sack of his career. Quotes alone won’t do this man justice, so just watch this clip:
Okay, now that you’re done cracking up, let’s hear what Brady had to say about getting dismantled by the Saints on national television.
“Just a tough night. Didn’t do much of anything right,” he said. “I wish it was just one thing. It was a lot of things. We just didn’t play well enough. We’re not going to win scoring no points.”
The seven-time Super Bowl champion also used last night as yet another opportunity to put his white privilege on full display, as evidenced by him throwing temper tantrums and acting a complete ass all night. You know, cussing out coaches, breaking tablets, basically doing all the shit that Black quarterbacks would never in life get away with. But it’s just another day at the office when you’re Tom Brady, soooooo...
When healthy, the Saints D is a sight to behold.
- The Giants might resemble a steaming pile of fecal matter, but at least that Saquon Barkley guy is pretty damn good when he’s healthy:
- Jonathan Taylor went berserk on Saturday, running for 170 yards and a touchdown against New England—because of course, he did:
- Urban Meyer, the would-be savior of the Jacksonville Jaguars who got fired for being the exact opposite of that, apparently refuses to go away and instead ran onto the field like a dumb ass in the middle of Sunday’s game:
Catch y’all next week.