I don’t know what the fuck Devin Booker ate for breakfast, but he literally could not miss, going six-for-six from deep for a cool 22 points in the first quarter alone.

Advertisement
Advertisement

His merciless onslaught would continue throughout the entire game, pushing the Suns’ lead to as many as 29 points and systematically dissecting LeBron and them with a nasty assortment of mid-range jumpers, soul-snatching treys, and complimentary trash talk.

Advertisement

And when the dust cleared, Booker finished the first closeout game of his career by sending LeBron home in the first round of the playoffs for the first time ever. The two-time All-Star was even kind enough to generously donate 47 points and 11 boards to the cause.

Advertisement

As much joy as I take in the Lakers losing—that glee is rivaled only by Jae Crowder—it brings even more delight to my heart knowing that the Lakers are fucked for the immediate future.

Advertisement

Head coach Frank Vogel has made it explicitly clear that he would love nothing more than for rebounding machine Andre Drummond—who they snatched up midseason after he reached a buyout with the Cleveland Cavaliers—to return to the team next season.

“We’re hopeful that [Drummond is] a Laker for a long time to come,” he told reporters, back before the 27-year-old center was rendered completely useless in the playoffs. “That’s what we’re envisioning, and we think he’s going to be a key piece for us both in the short term and in the long term.”

Advertisement

Slight problem: the NBA’s collective bargaining agreement.

I’ll let Bleacher Report explain:

The veteran is limited by non-Bird rights to just a contract starting at $2.9 million for next season. Will he happily turn down what could be big money from other teams to stay in Los Angeles for less?

Can the Lakers find a way to keep Drummond but other key potential free agents like Schroder and Harrell as well?

Advertisement

Y’all really think a dude who put up 15 points and 12 boards a game during the regular season is about to play for pocket lint? Sure, Los Angeles could close the gap by offering the taxpayer mid-level exception (projected at $5.9 million) or the non-taxpayer mid-level exception ($9.5 million), but that comes with consequences.

Again from Bleacher Report:

Should Drummond accept [the non-taxpayer mid-level exception], the Lakers would once again have a “hard cap,” which projects to be $143 million next season. With Drummond at $9.5 million, it becomes impossible for the Lakers to keep the entire team together. And that’s assuming Drummond is even willing to take a below-market contract to stay.

Advertisement

There’s also the Dennis Schröder problem. Last we checked, homie already turned down a four-year, $84 million extension in February. So considering the pesky point guard will have plenty of suitors in the offseason, he’ll likely price himself out of re-signing with the Lakers.

Oh and there’s this, again courtesy of Bleacher Report:

Beyond Drummond, Harrell and Schroder, the Lakers will have several other free agents to negotiate with, including Alex Caruso, Horton-Tucker, Wesley Matthews, Markieff Morris, Jared Dudley, Devontae Cacok (restricted) and Kostas Antetokounmpo (restricted). Alfonzo McKinnie is also under contract, but at $1.9 million in non-guaranteed salary.

Of the list, Caruso and Horton-Tucker could earn sizable raises. The Lakers have full rights to Caruso but only early Bird for Horton-Tucker. With just two years in the NBA, Horton-Tucker is subject to the Arenas Rule, limiting what other teams can offer the young guard.

While a competing franchise could give Horton-Tucker up to nearly $83 million over four years, his contract would start at $9.5 million for the 2021-22 season, with a massive jump in the third season. Los Angeles would have the right to match such an offer. While both Horton-Tucker and Caruso have fans throughout many of the league’s front offices, it’s unclear how big their offers will be this offseason (though all it takes is one or two willing teams to further complicate matters for the Lakers).

Advertisement

So let me get this straight: LeBron will be one step closer to getting bitch slapped around by Father Time, Anthony Day-to-Davis’ contract will only get worse as he continues to stay more hurt than a Mary J. Blige album, and there’s about a 97 percent chance that the Lakers will have to sacrifice valuable complimentary pieces?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Advertisement

I love this game!

Thankfully, misery loves company. So I expect the Clippers to join LeBron in Cancun shortly.

Advertisement
Advertisement

Oh, and Kyle, I’ll be seeing you about my money, nigga.