Aside from all the Emmys, Oscars, Tonys, X Games and Darwin Awards, it seems as if no one takes the time to notice and praise the accomplishments of Caucasians. Some people believe that this is what led to the rise of the fearful believers in white genocide who call themselves the alt-right. They feel that the white man gets no respect.
But not here at The Root. For years we have chronicled the savagery and shenanigans of wypipo worldwide. While some may indeed throw shade on the white man, we shed light on his actions. Therefore, we thought it would lift the spirits of wypipo worldwide if we set aside a few weeks dedicated specifically to the least of ye.
All hail The Root’s inaugural Tournament of Wypipo—our scientific, peer-reviewed, double-blind quest to find the worst wypipo in the world. To be clear, this tournament is not about white people. In fact, most people of the Caucasian persuasion were declared ineligible for this tournament. We specifically limited this single-elimination, head-to-head contest to wypipo—the subset of citizens defined by privilege, the ability to wear flip-flops in all climates and an irrational empathy for animals while displaying antipathy for any group of people other than their own.
For further clarification, here is a visual definition of wypipo:
Instead of using arbitrary selections, we assembled a noted panel of experts who have dedicated their lives to studying this phenomenon, or—as they are known in scholarly circles—wypipologists. We selected 64 participants in four categories: Rich/(In)Famous/Powerful Assholes; Groups/Companies/Organizations; Whites Gone Wild; and Beckys. We ranked them using a proprietary algorithm developed in our underground laboratory and placed them on a bracket.
Now it’s up to you. You get to decide who moves on to the next round. Download your bracket and help us decide the Wypipo of the Year by voting below. Remember, we are searching for the worst wypipo in each head-to-head matchup. Let’s take a look at our first-round matchups in the rich-and-powerful division.
Rich/(In)Famous/Powerful Assholes Division
First things first: Our rules committee made Donald Trump ineligible because they knew that Trump—as the mascot and standard-bearer for the worst wypipo in the world—would not make this a competitive tournament. Allowing Trump would be like the NCAA allowing the Golden State Warriors to compete in March Madness.
Since Trump is ineligible for the tournament, Steve Bannon received the No. 1 seed by default. Not only is he responsible for turning the shit-stained toilet rag that some people call Breitbart into the “voice of the alt-right,” but now he’s also chief racism adviser to the rooster-headed chimpanzee in the White House. He is reportedly responsible for the travel ban and the efforts to deport millions of undocumented immigrants.
Actor Shia LaBeouf is a long shot in this matchup because he doesn’t have a long list of racist incidents—but remember, this isn’t about race, it’s about the despicability of wypipo. Shia may have been out of his mind when he used racist language toward cops during a recent arrest, but he is just an insufferable, pretentious blowhard—and that counts, too. Plus, you know what they say: A drunk man speaks a sober person’s heart.
Maine Gov. Paul LePage said that he was tired of black drug dealers who come up to Maine and impregnate white girls while selling drugs to pure white housewives. Then he threatened a reporter. Then he refused to apologize because he said he had notebooks filled with pictures of drug dealers, and 80 percent of them were black.
Roger Stone basically hacked the 2016 election, subverted the American democracy and made Trump the president, so there’s that.
This matchup features two of the greatest white supremacists currently working today, so it’s an almost impossible choice. Spencer created the term “alt-right” as a means of giving white supremacy legitimacy. Spencer travels the country strong-arming colleges into letting him tell students about Holocaust denial, why black people have lower IQs and why white men should be in charge of civilization.
But Andrew Anglin has a résumé that includes building one of the most popular websites in the world, the Daily Stormer. Anglin also sicced his millions of followers on American University student Taylor Dumpson simply because she was the first black female student body president, causing her and her sorority sister to be harassed by angry white people until they finally had to get police protection.
Close your eyes and imagine what a fuckboy looks like. That’s Milo. Yiannopoulos was kicked off Twitter for harassing Leslie Jones and getting others to do the same. He also endorses child molesting.
Bill Maher is a smug, liberal-elite asshole who believes that he can occasionally use the n-word because he likes black vagina.
Bill O’Reilly is a serial sexual harasser, but U.S. Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) is a white supremacist who holds a seat in Congress. O’Reilly was on TV every night spewing bile, but King is a duly elected official, who makes laws for the country and went on live TV to say white people built civilization.
Jared Kushner is the definition of white privilege. Jeffrey Lord is the devil’s anal wart come to life to suck the excess dingleberries that sometimes form around Trump’s hairy anus.
Curt Schilling does not believe that there is racism in baseball, or anywhere in the world. He also hates Muslims, immigrants, blacks, Hispanics, goodness and happiness. If you ever watch a movie and wonder how the supervillain got a state-of-the-art evil laboratory, it was probably the Koch Brothers, the No. 1 funders of evil in the world since 1675.
Quick question: Who’s more hateful: A person who hates weed and loves Russia, or a person who sends out nudes of the mother of his child for the world to see?
Whites Gone Wild Division
One dude shot a congressman, but the other was a high school student who asked someone to the prom wearing blackface. I’m not trying to say who should win here, but I remind you that it was sexist, homophobe Steve Scalise who was shot.
Vegas bookies have even odds on this one. Nicholas Dean was the principal of a minority charter school in Louisiana. He was also a white supremacist. The Sons of the Confederacy won’t remove this rebel flag from in front of a restaurant in a town that is 75 percent black.
Would you rather have your child’s high school coach repeatedly use the n-word in an attempt to teach a group of black students about the term, or would you prefer that your college professor’s white-tears reservoir burst and shut down the entire campus?
If you’re a law school professor and you wear blackface to a party, you are a certified idiot. The question we ask, however, is, does that certificate of idiocy outweigh the lunacy of a Kentucky hillbilly telling people to “go back wherever the fuck you came from”? These kinds of existential questions must be answered in this matchup.
Here’s a hint as to whom to choose on this matchup: Who do you think caught an ass-whipping the fastest—the guy who got the Confederate flag cut into his hair, or the teacher who called her students “slaves” and used the n-word? If you can figure that out, you know who’ll win this matchup. See, it’s easy!
I am sitting in the bleachers of the Wypipo Tournament writing to inform you that you should never, ever wear blackface. It is not cool, even if you’re a politician and it’s Halloween. Even if you’re dressed like Tiger Woods.
Also, I’d like to inform you that “spic” is not a thing anymore, so come get your girl. It is an insult whose time has passed, like “porch monkey” or white people who have racist rants.
I recuse myself from this matchup because, while I would have punched the white man who spat and took a swing at me in Starbucks, there is nothing more disturbing and gloriously racist than this white lady doing yoga while singing about the ghetto.
Make sure you vote, and stay tuned tomorrow for the other half of the first-round matchups!