Illustration for article titled Super Tuesday Is Really Just a Regular Tuesday in Leggings and Heels. Here’s Everything You Need to Know
Photo: Joe Raedle (Getty Images)

It’s Super Tuesday, so you know what that means? It means that it’s a regular Tuesday that has a babysitter and is getting dressed up to go to the club with her girlfriends. It’s Tuesday in leggings and heels. It’s thotting and bopping Tuesday. It’s Tuesday saying “Ayeeee” while her homegirls dance in a roped off section. It’s Tuesday imbibing free drinks. It’s Tuesday asleep in an Uber. It’s Tuesday on Wednesday posting photos of Tuesday with captions like “Last night was a movie.”

It’s Tuesday’s day to be the biggest Tuesdays of all Tuesdays. It’s the biggest day of the Democratic primary season and 14 states and one U.S. territory will hold votes today:

American Samoa

Alabama

Arkansas

California

Colorado

Maine

Massachusetts

Minnesota

North Carolina

Oklahoma

Tennessee

Texas

Utah

Vermont

Virginia

It will be the first time that evil billionaire Michael Bloomberg will be on a ballot, and who gives a shit because this race is shaping up to be about two people—former Vice President Joe ROBINETTE Biden and Independent Vermont senator and the socialist owner of three homes, Bernie Sanders. Sanders was set to do some damage on Super Tuesday and then America’s favorite wine cave mayor, Pete Buttigieg, and Amy Klobuchar dropped out and threw their support behind Biden.

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Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren limped into Super Tuesday with the possibility that she may not even pull her home state. If that happens, it’s very likely a “dropping out of the race” announcement and endorsement will come from Warren’s camp.

Some down-ballot races that need a little more attention include:

Alabama Republican Senate Race

This is a race to see who can be lodged in the president’s colon. Rep. Bradley Byrne, former Auburn University football coach Tommy Tuberville, and former Attorney General Jeff Sessions are all competing to be the president’s footstool in Alabama and all have a decent shot at winning the Republican nomination and challenging Democratic Sen. Doug Jones in November.

According to HuffPost, if Alabama doesn’t give one candidate the majority of votes, there will be a runoff on March 31. Who are we kidding? Sessions was Trump’s attorney general until he stopped doing what Trump wanted, but he’s still the closest to Trump and therefore, the expected choice here by proximity. But don’t discount the importance of football in the South and therefore, Tuberville’s chances. But this is Sessions’ race to lose.

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Los Angeles County District Attorney

So this is going to be pretty interesting. Just yesterday, Black Lives Matter activists were greeted by Los Angeles County District Attorney Jackie Lacey’s husband and a gun. You read that correctly; her husband came to the door of their home and threatened activists with a gun. Not sure how that is going to bode well for the incumbent, who’s facing a heated battle from “two progressive challengers: former San Francisco District Attorney George Gascón and former public defender Rachel Rossi.”

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Also, Lacey is a company woman, and by company woman, I mean she’s beloved by law enforcement, which means that while some 500 people have been killed by police during her watch, she’s only prosecuted one case. One.

Did I mention that Lacey’s husband pulled a gun on BLM activists?

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Texas’s 28th Congressional District Democratic Primary

Progressive immigration attorney Jessica Cisneros is 26. She’s also heard all of the reasons why she shouldn’t be able to unseat conservative Democratic Rep. Henry Cuellar in Texas’s 28th Congressional District, and she doesn’t care what anyone says. She knows she’s got a puncher’s chance, so she’s swinging hard.

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HuffPost notes that “Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.), Sens. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) and Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.),” and “labor, environmental and abortion rights groups have jumped in the race on Cisneros’s side.”

But she’s up against the conservative machine Charles Koch’s super PAC, Americans for Prosperity Action, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) who have all stepped up to help Cuellar.

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Wait, what? Pelosi?

“We want this to be not only a victory, but a resounding victory for Henry Cuellar,” Pelosi told a crowd of several dozen Cuellar campaign workers and supporters. “Every step you take, every door you knock, every call you make, will make that resounding victory possibleand it includes getting out a big Democratic vote prepared to vote again in the general election so that we turn Texas blue.”

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Oh, yeah I almost forgot that Pelosi is willing to team up with anyone if it hurts The Squad. Because that’s how she rolls.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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