Trump Isn’t Going to Like This: Fox News Poll Projects Him Losing to Sanders, Bloomberg and...Robinette?

Illustration for article titled Trump Isn’t Going to Like This: Fox News Poll Projects Him Losing to Sanders, Bloomberg and...Robinette?
Photo: Jim Watson (Getty Images)

Fox News, the president’s personal YouTube page, conducted a poll that they released Thursday, and buried way down in the results is that should Trump face Independent Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, evil billionaire Mike Bloomberg, or Joseph Robinette Biden, he’d lose to all of them.

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Wayaminit, hol up.

How long has Joe Biden’s middle name been “Robinette” and none of y’all told me? Not one of the readers dropped this in the comments?! None of y’all emailed me to tell me of this news on the second to last day of Black History Month in a leap year?

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All this time I’ve been blasting black people for supporting Biden and all y’all just let me go off on a tangent knowing that his middle name, the name after his first name, the vice president of names, is Robinette?!

Nigga. Joe Biden’s middle name is currently working the back line in a Waffle House. Joe Biden’s middle name is basically all-black low top Air Force 1s. Somewhere in an alternate universe Joe Biden’s middle name is standing on MLK in a wife-beater drinking a Miller pony and smoking a Kool 100.

I had a whole article planned on polls and why polls are fucking stupid, and Joe Biden’s middle name walked into this article like:

This is the fault of Biden’s staff. Someone on his staff should’ve known this, they should’ve been pushing “Robinette” out in the front of the black audience well before Joseph. The same way that Rafael Edward Cruz hides his Latin heritage behind “Ted,” Biden should’ve been pushing his black sounding middle name to the forefront of all of his encounters. It would’ve made him more approachable and more believable. Did Joe Biden fight off a bully named Corn Pop? Fuck, no. But Robinette did! Did Joe Biden get arrested while visiting Nelson Mandela in South Africa? Fuck no. But Robinette was definitely stopped and frisked.

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This explains everything. Here I was thinking that Obama had chosen an incompetent asshole and all these years later it makes sense, Obama knew what we didn’t; he knew Robinette.

So yeah, polls are fucking stupid. Until polls account for Russian interference, they don’t mean shit. All of the 2016 polls said that Trump was going to lose, and guess what, all those polls wet the bed in Russian prostitute urine. So will the new Fox News poll upset Trump? Of course it will and that’s a good thing, but polls are like Joe Biden; they don’t mean anything.

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Now, I would never say this about Robinette because Robinette means everything. Joe Biden has until the next debate to address this and talk about Robinette in third person.

“Robinette is going to do what’s best for the country, you best believe that shit!”

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

houstondude2016
HoustonDude2016

I feel like I’m drifting into my own policial sunken place.

Warren is the smartest person in the room and should be President. I’m now becoming resigned to the fact that this is not going to become reality.

Bloomberg is not going to come back from the Warren beat down, so he’s not going to do shit even if he offers a crisp $100 bill to everyone who votes for him.

Mayo Pete is finally fading away.

Is Bernie going to drive up black turnout to levels we need to offset white folks gleefully voting for Trump? Nope. No he is not.

That leaves us with Corn Pop’s nemesis as the semi-viable option for beating Trump.

I fucking hate this universe.