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Something Tells Me Joe Biden Is Going to Mess This Up

Illustration for article titled Something Tells Me Joe Biden Is Going to Mess This Up
Photo: Mandel NGAN (Getty Images)

As a Washington football team fan (until Colin Kaepernick’s protest, when I realized that the Washington team owner is not only a huge asshole but also a huge Trump donor, which is basically saying the same thing), I’m pretty familiar with the idea of a serviceable quarterback. Just a body behind the center calling plays and not giving the ball away.

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That’s former Vice President Joe Biden’s political position as the Democratic nominee for president.

He’s not who any of us wanted—and by “us,” I mean all of us who are not Southern aunties—I get that. But he’s a serviceable option. Despite all his rabble-rousing, 1950s tough-guy talk, he most likely won’t lead America into war or fuck up the economy too bad—hell, the bar is so low at this point that as long as he doesn’t walk on stage with his pants on backward and start talking about eating dolphin meat, we will be OK.

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Joe Biden is the Kirk Cousins of Mark Rypiens.

We don’t need him to do more right now than to be a serviceable option to Trump. He doesn’t have to be stellar. He doesn’t have to be amazing. He just has to read what his handlers give him and get the economy back on track. Basically, he just needs to hand the ball off without fumbling.

But something tells me that Biden, the shit-talking former lifeguard who once took on a bad guy nicknamed Corn Pop, is going to fuck this up.

America has told him how to handle this: PICK A WOMAN TO BE HIS VICE PRESIDENT!

During the last debate, Biden said that he’s willing to do that. But something tells me it’s not going to be that easy. Suggested folks include: Georgia Governor (come on, we all know Brian Kemp stole that election) Stacey Abrams, Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, California Senator Kamala Harris, and Illinois Rep. Tammy Duckworth. Hell, even Minnesota Sen. Amy “I once ate a salad with a comb” Klobuchar is a possible contender.

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All Biden has to do is pick any of these women. The Washington Post has already done the leg work for Biden and picked the “11 most logical picks for Joe Biden’s vice president, ranked.” All of them are women. Biden could literally go to this list, close his eyes and pick any one of these women (except Klobuchar; I know what I said earlier, but something about the whole “eating a salad with a comb” doesn’t scream ingenuity, it screams “Karen” and I don’t want a Karen in office.)

Something tells me Biden is going to fuck this up. And here’s why: Biden has to make this pick early. He’s got to make this pick soon, because Biden has to recognize that he can’t do it alone. There are thousands of Bernie Bros and Kittens (Carole Baskin voice) who are pissed that their beloved Bernie Sanders has been railroaded once again from outright winning the nomination and Biden isn’t going to be able to bring them back. Biden’s latest interviews haven’t helped him at all, especially considering no one knew what the fuck he was talking about.

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Basically, Biden is going to have to announce his VP pick and then let her take the stage and drum up enthusiasm to bring people to the polls in the age of coronavirus. In short, Biden is going to have to take a step back and let his VP bring it home, and I don’t think Biden and his old-man Stacey Adams are willing to slide out of the way to bring his female VP to the forefront. Biden needs to hand the ball off, but he’s a serviceable quarterback who believes he’s Joe Montana and something tells me with the ball on the 1, Biden’s going to ignore his coaches and call an audible at the line and go completely off-script.

Think I’m being paranoid? Man, look at this bama’s ego. Biden is every bit of 77 years old and he’s still out here challenging voters to pushup contests:

And here he is challenging a voter to a fight:

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It’s not just that Biden needs to pick a female VP, which I believe he’s capable of doing; he’s got to let her lead him home, and something tells me that if Biden’s driving and he’s lost, he’s just going to keep driving until he finds his way instead of listening to his wife, who’s right there telling him that he missed the exit miles ago.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

thirdamendmentman
ThirdAmendmentMan

His entire campaign should really just be:

Look the federal government is totally fucked up right now. I’ll appoint a perfectly fine cabinet, hire people to the State Department and other positions that have been left to rot, stop nominating completely fucked up judges, and just bring decently competent management back to the federal government.