Anti-Masker Claims He's Being Kicked Out of NC Walmart 'Because I'm White'

Illustration for article titled Anti-Masker Claims He's Being Kicked Out of NC Walmart 'Because I'm White'
Screenshot: Fifty Shades of Whey/ Twitter

I spent much of 2020 writing about how white people’s oppression-envy has sparked an anti-masker revolution. (I think they should adopt the slogan: “The revolution will not be moisturized,” but I don’t know where to send suggestions. There doesn’t seem to be a functioning WhineyWypipo.tears website, so I’m kind of stumped here.)


Well, it looks like I’ll still be covering white people suffering from Wannabe-oppressed-so-bad Syndrome in 2021, as these people continue to pretend face masks are seasoning and their faces are raw chicken quarters fresh out of the plastic and ready to be cooked.

A new viral video features a white man repeatedly complaining that he’s being asked to leave a Mooresville, N.C., Walmart because he’s white. According to the Daily Dot, this started after the manager at the store, a Black woman, asked the man to leave because he refused to wear a face covering, likely because he suffers from wypipo-stank-breath-o-phobia (I’m guessing).

“Because I’m white, she asked me to leave the property,” racist Elmer Fudd can be heard saying to police officers. “What else is it?”


“I just want to know why she asked me to leave the property,” he continued. “Because I’m white? Because I’m white.”

I never thought I’d be the one to say this, but: OH MY GOD, NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT RACE!


Maybe it’s about how he’s dressed—or that haircut. How do we know he isn’t buying supplies on his way to storm the U.S. Capitol building? When are white people going to stop playing the race card and take responsibility for themselves?

And when are we going to talk about white-on-white crime? Everyone knows that the Proud Boys and antifa are basically the Bloods and Crips of white people. Why don’t you all get your people off welfare instead of worrying about some albino monkey getting tossed out of Walmart? I bet he has a criminal record as long as my arm. (I’m not even sure how white people’s arms became units of measurement but I bet it’s something racist.)


Anyway, Great Value Bruce Willis continued arguing with the cops and the manager saying that this was about him being white and not about him not wearing a mask.

“I don’t know what county you are, but in my county, my sheriff says it’s an unlawful mandate,” he can be heard saying. An officer responds saying he doesn’t work for his sheriff. (Not that a county or state mask mandate would have anything to do with Walmart’s face covering policy, but whatever.)


After continuing to claim that he’s being discriminated against because of the colorlessness of his skin, the man starts putting his items back on the shelf. He then said to the manager, “You’re racist,” before being escorted out of the store.

There’s really only one answer here: We have to start oppressing white people.

Let’s get to redlining their neighborhoods and leaving their schools underfunded. We gotta stop-and-frisk all of Boise, Idaho. (For some reason, that’s the white Chicago in my mind.) I think it’s really time to start ramping up police brutality in the Caucasian community. It shouldn’t be super hard for non-whites to own nearly every corporation in America and fire all of the white employees until reverse-affirmative action is necessary.


In fact—and just hear me out here—how about two or three hundred years of slavery followed by another 100 years of second-class citizenship? By the year 2400 white people will be well on their way to being able to rightfully claim they got denied service because they’re white and not because they don’t want to wear a face mask—assuming the pandemic is over by then.

Zack Linly is a poet, performer, freelance writer, blogger and grown man lover of cartoons



As expected, and hiding behind “his religious beliefs”, THE COWARD Mike Pence, will not invoke the 25th Amendment: