You Scared? Trump's Tweeting Fast and Furious as Redacted Russia Probe to be Released Thursday

Like a rapper that knows an explosive diss track is about to be released, the president of the United States is playing reduced-stress checkers—in which they’re only six pieces on the board to prevent confusion (but he still cheats)—by releasing tweets that will help his followers know his position on the soon-to-be-released Russian investigation report by special counsel Robert Mueller.

On Monday, the president of people who can see Russia from their house unleashed a series of tweets as a preemptive strike for Thursday, also known as political geek Super Bowl, in which the redacted Mueller report will be released to Congress and the public.

“Mueller, and the A.G. based on Mueller findings (and great intelligence), have already ruled No Collusion, No Obstruction,” Trump tweeted, the Associated Press reports. “These were crimes committed by Crooked Hillary, the DNC, Dirty Cops and others! INVESTIGATE THE INVESTIGATORS!”

Look at those exclamation points and all-caps! The president is back on his grizzly and ready for the obvious hits he knows are coming, and he will be just as shocked as the rest of us to learn what’s going on because the president has no idea what’s in the report. The president can’t read and he can’t sit still long enough for someone to read it to him, so he will be learning what’s in the report shortly after Fox News reports on it.

Supposedly, Attorney General William Barr is going to release a redacted version of Mueller’s investigation into whether or not Trump’s team and even Trump himself colluded with Russia to steal the 2016 presidential election. I don’t trust Barr, and that has nothing to do with the fact that he looks like Roseanne Barr’s TV husband or that he just so happens to share the same last name as Roseanne. My issues with Barr came only after he clearly aligned himself with the president’s lies, claiming that he believes spying occurred on Trump’s political campaign. It’s all bullshit, but it showed Barr’s hand and if Barr, who is totally a Trump-guy, was brought in because he’s an ally for President Trump, then I have a hard time believing that a redacted version of Mueller’s report won’t just be pages and pages of blackness.

Also, don’t forget that Mueller punted on whether or not there was obstruction of justice by the president and Barr decided, even though no one asked him to, that there was no obstruction of justice. So, yeah, I ain’t too excited to see a Barr version of this report, but that hasn’t stopped Trump from tweeting out “no collusion” a gizallion damn times.

So now we wait. Expect a rash of these tweets to continue for the next few days until the redacted report is released, but something tells me that if we actually believe that incriminating portions against Trump and his cronies aren’t going to be redacted, then I have a Trump Tower in Moscow to sell you.