With This Alabama Loss, Trump Is Becoming the Permanent Jordan Crying-Face Meme

President Lil Handsy von BackWash can never take his L like a man. After fully endorsing an accused pedophile for Congress, his candidate, Alabama’s own Roy Moore, who totally rode a horse to the voting station to vote, lost. He lost because black women, who are looking more and more like the real heroes in America’s movie, said enough with this fuck shit and came out to elect Doug Jones.


In one tweet, President NoodleDick von RallyHat did what he does best: make shit up and lie.

“The reason I originally endorsed Luther Strange (and his numbers went up mightily), is that I said Roy Moore will not be able to win the General Election,” Trump wrote on Twitter. “I was right! Roy worked hard but the deck was stacked against him!”

Tweeting is one of the president’s greatest strengths, and since most of his supporters sleep in their work trucks and have trouble reading big words, the president’s version of events, or “alternative facts,” plays well with this crowd.

Here’s how it works: The president will come out strong in favor of something, anything. Then there is a vote and the president loses. The president then takes to Twitter to claim a different version of events, and his supporters who sleep in Confederate-flag sheets and masturbate to NASCAR believe it.

Tuesday was a historic night for America and a gut check for the nation. In short, black women saved America from having an accused pedophile, who reportedly preyed on teens when he was a district attorney in his 30s, from joining the Senate.


An early-morning tweet from the president seemed to provide evidence that someone else is manning his Twitter account after he passes out in front of the TV with KFC crumbs and Diet Coke dribble running down his chin.

I’m convinced that one of his aides took the phone out of his underwear waistband to send out this tweet:


Trump didn’t write that tweet. Look at that hyphen between “write” and “in.” Also look at “Congratulations” as the first word. We know a lot of things about the president of Midland, Texas, and one of the things that we know, unequivocally, is that he’s petty as shit. The president of Ugg-boot-loving white women would not tweet this. It’s too much like right.

The other tweet, the one that notes that the deck was stacked against Moore, is way more like the president of tabacky stuffers. Also, what the hell does the president mean when he says that the deck was stacked against Moore? Does he mean the list of accusers who’ve noted that Moore was consistently inappropriate as the district attorney? Look, the rest of the world is screwed, but for one night Alabama (specifically, the black women of Alabama), got it right.


Not Enough Day Drinking

It’s pretty amazing when you stop to think about it.

Mandarin Mao backed not one, but two losing candidates in a single election, and then turns around and claims he was right the entire time.

I can see why republicans might be tired of ‘winning’ all the time by now.