White House Takes Credit for Ending COVID-19 Pandemic as Coronavirus Numbers Hit Daily Records

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In news that can only be described as “y’all niggas is tripping,” the White House’s science policy office released a list of President Donald Trump’s first term accomplishments and right at the very top as if America doesn’t have news stations and Google alerts on their phone, they listed “ending the COVID-19 pandemic.” Notice the quotes. I’m not making this up.


Someone from the Office of Science and Technology Policy actually wrote in a press release that the administration defeated the coronavirus by taking “decisive actions to engage scientists and health professionals in academia, industry, and government to understand, treat, and defeat the disease,” Politico reports.

In what world? Coronavirus is out here like Snoop knocking over the buildings and the White House is Bad Boy Records. Trump knows that the coronavirus pandemic and infection numbers are bad for business so he’s been lying about them since it happened. During his run for a second term in the White House, he’s repeatedly made the claim that the country is “rounding the turn” on the nationwide pandemic while continuing to ignore coronavirus protocol and discrediting science and doctors in the field. Not to mention hosting packed rallies that have about as many masks as attendees have teeth. Currently, Mike Pence and his wife can’t eat their tuna fish sandwiches in peace as damn near most of his staff has the damn coronavirus.

Meanwhile, health experts have been warning for months that winter is coming and the white walkers are coming beyond the gate. (For those who didn’t watch Game of Thrones, first, why are you like this? And secondly, the coronavirus is going to get worse.)

“Last week, the country set a new record of 83,000 cases in a single day, and the seven-day case average is now hovering around 70,000—more than any other time during the pandemic. Over 42,000 people are hospitalized with Covid-19, up from about 30,000 one month ago, according to the Covid Tracking Project,” Politico reports.

The Tuesday press release from the White House science office touting “Science and Technology Accomplishments” includes a bunch of bullshit that Trump would like to take credit for.

“The highlights in this report represent just a fraction of the achievements made by the Trump Administration on behalf of the American people,” Kelvin Droegemeier, who heads the office, said in a statement, Politico reports. “We have achieved a proud record of results, and under President Trump’s leadership, science and technology will continue to inspire us, unite us, and guide us to ever greater progress.”


Wouldn’t all of this be great if it were true? And who needs truth when you can just lie about it all in a press release?


The Thugnificent Pangaean

Um. OK

This is like a Fight Club / American Psycho / Get Out level satire where the US presidential candidate goes around and mass suicides break out wherever he speaks..