We Have to Talk About Trump’s Star Voter Fraud Witness Melissa Carone

Melissa Carone
Melissa Carone
Photo: JEFF KOWALSKY (Getty Images)

Umm, I am not a doctor.

I don’t even play a doctor on The Root.

So I can’t diagnose anyone, nor would I try to, but let me talk a little about Black. Black is harmless. He will cut your grass for $20 no matter how big your yard is. Black will wash your car for the same price. Black will move your bulk trash from the yard to the curb for whatever it costs to get him a beer. The problem is that sometimes if Black has tied one on, it’s impossible to understand what the hell Black is saying. He slurs his words and makes outlandish claims but you accept it because it’s Black.


No matter what state Black is in, your grass will always be cut nicely and your car will be clean. I trust Black to do both. However, I wouldn’t want Black to be the sole witness in a voter fraud case because, well, yeah.

Enter Melissa Carone.

She is a contract IT worker. And, she was supposed to be the Trump campaign’s star witness in Michigan after having made all these wild claims of ballot fraud in Detroit. Except she was so unhinged and wild that her testimony has gone viral. Carone’s testimony was so laughable that even Rudy Giuliani tried to hush her. The shit was so bonkers that SNL actress Kate McKinnon’s name was trending as someone who has to play Carone on the late-night show (along with SNL hall-of-famer Victoria Jackson).

Carone’s claims of ballots leaving voting centers in food vans last month was so wild that even Fox Business host Lou Dobbs was like, “Umm..dis lady tripping.” According to the Washington Post, a “Wayne County judge ruled that her allegations ‘simply are not credible.’”

Yet, none of that stopped Rudy and his magical corruption bus from hauling her ass in front of a Michigan House panel on Wednesday, in which she proceeded to show her entire ass (metaphorically, although had she shown her ass it would’ve probably been better than her testimony).

At one point, Rudy “prison slipper” Giuliani can be heard trying to get her to STFU because she was out there looking real reckless and exposed. Carone can be heard slurring her words and interrupting state Rep. Steven Johnson (R) who was merely trying to help Carone get to the bottom of her mimosa—I mean, her baseless claims.

“We’re not seeing the poll book off by 30,000 votes,” Johnson said.

“What’d you guys do, take it and do something crazy to it?” Carone fired back.

She also exclaimed that there were “zero registered voters” in Wayne County’s poll book and that 100,000 fraudulent ballots had been cast, the Post reports.


Meanwhile, nothing, not one thing, confirms Carone’s claims. Nothing.

Much like the Trump administration, Carone’s testimony was a disaster but a hysterical disaster nonetheless and I will be a little disappointed if McKinnon doesn’t play her on SNL. Tell me Mckinnon is not the perfect choice:





I know this is completely irrational, and it really goes against the very good advice of “never fuck crazy”, but god help me, I think I might be attracted to this completely batshit racist woman with bad hair and non-prescription glasses (to make her look smart).

I’m now going to have to go sit in a corner and re-think my life.