Trump: Yes, I Went Down Into the Bunker but I Was Just Checking the Food Rations for Hot Fries

Demonstrators stage a protest near the Saint John Paul II National Shrine, where President Donald Trump planned a visit, in response to the death of George Floyd while under police custody June 2, 2020, in Washington, D.C.
Demonstrators stage a protest near the Saint John Paul II National Shrine, where President Donald Trump planned a visit, in response to the death of George Floyd while under police custody June 2, 2020, in Washington, D.C.
Photo: Alex Wong (Getty Images)

When I was in elementary school and the bully was messing with me, I would do this thing where I would go to the office and say I had a stomachache. They would call my grandfather and he’d come pick me up. It wasn’t the smoothest move and it didn’t save me from getting picked on but for that one day, I was free of being tormented by the kid in fourth grade with a full beard and a driver’s license.

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It was a sucka move. I know it, and I also know it when I see it.

President Bubble Guts von Bunker Bitch is now claiming that at the precise moment when George Floyd protesters breached a barricade in front of the White House, he ran down to the bunker to see if they had any more of those Velveeta white cheddar macaroni-and-cheese microwaveable bowls.

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“It was a false report. I wasn’t down [in the bunker],” Trump said on Fox News Radio host Brian Kilmeade’s show on Wednesday, CNBC reports.

“I went down during the day and I was there for a tiny, little short period of time and it was much more for an inspection; there was no problem during the day,” the president said.

Even Kilmeade wasn’t buying it, asking the president if the Secret Service asked him to go down to the basement and not the room where he keeps his sleeping coffin: “They didn’t say to you, ‘You have to go downstairs, my responsibility is your welfare?’”

The president replied, “Nope, they didn’t tell me that at all.”

The New York Times was the first to report that the president is softer than baby shit and was “rushed” to the bunker, also known as protective custody—sike, they call it the Presidential Emergency Operations Center—on Friday night as the protest outside the White House became more intense and the president was looking as if he was about to pee himself.

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A senior official told NBC News that Trump was in the bunker and that he returned to his residence within an hour. Because Trump hates looking like a stone-cold beeyotch, he won’t own up to the fact that his knees were about to give out and that he had to be laid out on the presidential fainting couch.

Trump would rather make up some bullshit story about how the Secret Service asked him to go “inspect” the area just days into crazy protests over the death of Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis police on Memorial Day.

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“They told me to go down and ‘take a look,’ just to check it out,” Trump said.

“I can’t tell you who went with me but a whole group of people went with me, as an inspecting factor. I was back up—and, Brian, it was during the day, it wasn’t during the night,” Trump told Kilmeade.

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Yeah, I know. And I went home because my stomach hurt. It just so happened that it was right after the fourth-grader with the Cadillac Sedan DeVille and the captain’s hat had threatened to beat the shit out of me.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

murrychang
Murry Chang

“They told me to go down and ‘take a look,’ just to check it out,” Trump said.”

This actually sounds kinda legit, honestly. By now the SS knows how he acts, they know if they tell him to go there for his own safety he would refuse because that’s not what a big boy does, so they gently suggested he just go down and take a look around for a few hours and figured that would keep him out of their hair for a bit anyhow.