Illustration for article titled Trump’s Impeachment Trial, Day 8: Never Have I Ever…
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I tried to watch it. But the sudden death of Kobe Bryant and his beautiful daughter Gianna mixed with Trump attorney Jay Sekulow’s punchable face? I just wasn’t in the best mental space to hear more lies on top of mistruths on top of misdirections.

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But I know that Trump’s legal team tried to discredit former national security adviser John Bolton and former Vice President Joe Biden because that’s all they have. I know what Trump’s defense team didn’t do; they didn’t poke holes in the Democratic House managers’—aka the Hit Squad’s—argument that Trump needed to be removed for withholding aid to Ukraine until the Ukrainian president Terkoff Vindelhoffsen (like you know his name) opened an investigation on the Bidens.

I also know that Trump’s defense team ended their opening arguments on Tuesday because they had to, as it was the last day for them to do so.

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All the scuttlebutt surrounding Tuesday’s impeachment proceedings was centered around John Bolton’s book, The Room Where it Happened, which ironically, could be the name of former President Bill Clinton’s book during his time in the White House.

Hiyooooooo!

Trump’s lawyer has argued that the book is inadmissible. So, it’s going to have to be Bolton testifying or bust.

So what now?

Whole bitch Mitch McConnell claims he doesn’t have the votes to stop witnesses from testifying but that’s bullshit. As it stands, only three Republicans have even acted like they would consider voting for witnesses: Sens. Mitt Romney (R-Utah), Susan Collins (R-Maine) and Lisa Murkowski (R-Ark.). And in order to get witnesses to testify, Democrats would need at least four Republicans to flip.

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Murkowski is Alaskan, so anything is possible. Collins is probably going to drama up her vote the way she did Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation vote, acting as if she were going to vote against him, only to go wherever the wind blows. Romney was caught drinking chocolate milk during the impeachment trial, which means it was room-temperature chocolate milk, which means that Romney is a damn psychopath, which means we can’t trust anything he says.

What’s more troubling is that three senators—Democratic Sens. Joe Manchin of West Virginia and Doug Jones of Alabama and GOP Sen. Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona—who represent racist shithole states, are undecided as to where their votes will land. Don’t believe that these states are racist shitholes? Well, a study based on racial slurs used on social media found that West Virginia is the most racist state in America. Arizona was one of the last states to honor Martin Luther King Jr. Day. MLK Day, son. The entire state of Alabama is a museum to racism, but what really burns me is that black women helped Doug Jones beat out an alleged pedophile to win his Senate seat only for him to act like a fucking Republican since taking office.

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The witness vote is Friday.

What else?

The reality is that the American public wants to hear from Bolton. In fact, a national poll by Quinnipiac University found that 75 percent of people want witnesses to testify. Trump’s defense team knows that the longer this trial plays out, the more likely they’re going to lose. It works like this: Congress members must answer to their constituents, and the more information the public gets, the worse it looks for Trump, who by the way, is totally guilty. Currently, Republican congress members are all fucked up because their constituency is pressing them out to hear from people who were in the room.

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What to expect?

Wednesday, day eight of the trial, might be the most exciting day as senators, who have been listening diligently while playing on their Apple watches and finishing fourth-grade crossword puzzles, will finally get to ask questions, but they won’t be able to speak. They will be allowed to write questions out and have them passed to Chief Justice John Roberts, who will then read them aloud. Basically, it’s a congressional drinking game (like “Never have I ever”) except the senators just show up drunk instead of drinking during the game. The Congress members questions have to be directed to the Hit Squad or Trump’s defense team, and I’m praying that someone writes out fun questions like, “If you were on a lifeboat with Trump and an unborn fetus and you could only save one, who would you save and why?”

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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