Nah, White Women ... You Can’t Have This One

Supporters of then Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Doug Jones celebrate as Jones is declared the winner during his election night gathering at the Sheraton Hotel  in Birmingham, Ala., on Dec. 12, 2017. (Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)
Supporters of then Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Doug Jones celebrate as Jones is declared the winner during his election night gathering at the Sheraton Hotel in Birmingham, Ala., on Dec. 12, 2017. (Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

In the aftermath of black people showing up out of nowhere—like little Kenard who snuffed out Omar on The Wire—to kill Roy Moore and the “alt-right’s” dream of making the documentary Mr. Molester Goes to Washington, everyone wants a little bit of credit. The Democratic Party is saying, “I told y’all.” The pundits are giving the entire state of Alabama the credit. Even mainstream media has decided who was most responsible for Doug Jones’ victory over the John Wayne of alleged pedophiles:


Yep, according to everyone, “women” are the ones who pushed Doug Jones’ campaign for U.S. Senate over the finish line. Not black women. Not even black people. Just women.

But mostly white women.

According to the punditry class, Jones’ victory happened because of all women, including white women. Even though, according to the Washington Post, 63 percent of white women voted for Roy Moore, white women still received credit for the Jones victory. They were the heroes.

Black women got their shoutouts, and so did black men, but no one dared leave out white women. Although there is no statistical or logical reason to think that white women helped Doug Jones vanquish his opponent, they somehow came down on the right side of history. NBC News whitesplained it this way:

Fifty-eight percent of Alabama women voted for the winner, Democrat Doug Jones, including 35 percent of white women, according to exit polling. While that latter figure might not sound like much, it’s more than twice the 16 percent of white Alabama women who voted for President Barack Obama in 2012, the last presidential race in which exit polling was conducted.

What. The. Entire. Fuck.

I know some people bristle at the idea that the benefit of whiteness is baked into every molecule of American existence, but the previous paragraph should be included in the dictionary alongside the phrase “white privilege.” Imagine taking an exam in front of the entire country, getting 63 percent of the answers wrong and—not only do you pass the test—but you are called to come to the front of the entire class so the professor can pat you on the back!


But wait ... there’s more.

Then there was the venerable political reporter Beth Clayton, who became the mouthpiece of the white-woman savior class. Immediately following the election, Clayton appeared on MSNBC to explain how white women had saved the world. She tied the election to the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment scandal and the #MeToo movement (started by a black woman). She proudly explained to Chris Hayes:

When you look at women in across Alabama or in any corner of the United States, we’ve all been in a situation where a man didn’t treat us right, and we know that feeling. And we know how it feels to not be believed. And we showed up and we said, “We’re not going to tolerate it.”

And it helps that, looking across the country, women were beginning to be believed in all corners of America. And they felt confident coming out here in Alabama where, frankly, we frankly don’t have a lot of room to wiggle here. And women came out, and we said, “No more.” and frankly, no more. We deserve better than this.


I doubt she meant it in the way it came off, which is exactly why this Caucaplanation rubbed me the wrong way as soon as I saw it.


Who the hell is “we”? Clayton must have some black women in her purse, because “we” didn’t do a damn thing. The vast majority of white “we’s” voted for the other guy.

Black people are 26 percent of the population in Alabama, but the Washington Post says they were 29 percent of Tuesday’s electorate. Conversely, whites are 68 percent of Alabama’s population, yet only 66 percent voted in Alabama’s Senate race.


Let’s put it this way: Using’s raw vote totals and the Washington Post’s exit polls, if all the women in the state assembled themselves and each of Jones’ black female supporters stood beside a white woman who voted for him, there would still be 82,278 black women standing by themselves wondering, “Where the white women at?”

Now, explain to me, again, who “showed up.”

Not white women. That is a fact. Again ... numbers.

White women are used to that. They get a privilege no one else in the world enjoys. They get to rail against the white male patriarchy while forgetting the pale crooked fingers that pointed the lynchers in the direction of Emmett Till or the mob that burned down Black Wall Street. They get to decry affirmative action while benefiting from it. They get the front page of Time magazine for changing the country’s attitude about sexual assault while never mentioning the black woman who started the whole thing. They get to scream, “Believe all women” while simultaneously calling Aurora Perrineau a goddamn liar when she says she was raped by their white friend.


The caveat of “Fewer white women supported Moore than supported Trump” is a stupid reason to include white women among the reasons for why the molesting equestrian lost his bid for office. Saying that white women helped Moore win is like saying the Golden State Warriors won their first NBA championship because of Festus Ezeli. And I know you’re wondering: “Who the hell is Festus Ezeli? Did he even get in the game?”


Yet they are proudly parading around, poking out their chests, proclaiming, “We did it.” No one is saying white women didn’t contribute. No one would even say they didn’t work hard. They get to share the championship because they were on the team that scored the most points. But they don’t get to act like they’re they most valuable players.


Let’s be clear:

Black women are the MVPs.

White women will tell you that all women are beautiful, delicate creatures who deserve to be protected, appreciated and placed on a pedestal. They say anyone who doesn’t honor all women should be reviled. But they will vote for a pussy grabber. They will cast votes for a child molester.


When they say “Me too,” notice the subtle emphasis on the “me” part. The “too” is just to make sure they will be included in the victory celebration. Even when they fail the test. Even if it means kicking the people who did the real work in the ass, they know that they will always have a place on the podium.

Even if they didn’t do shit.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.



Dear Michael,

In anticipation for all the letter you are probably going to receive this week. It’s important to note that apparently “Abortion” is to white women what “Economic Anxiety” is to white men.

Yours Truly