Trump Accuses the FBI of Treason Because He's Up Early and No One Took His Phone

Illustration for article titled Trump Accuses the FBI of Treason Because He's Up Early and No One Took His Phone
Photo: Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

The president’s son-in-law only has one job: to make sure he knows where Trump’s phone is at all times so that the tweeter-in-chief can’t recklessly post random, hate-filled messages without White House approval. As with most things Jared Kushner, it seems he’s asleep on the job.


Early Friday morning, after knocking a few golf balls around the Oval Office—and yes, Sen. Lindsey Graham held the golf tee in his mouth—the president snatched his phone out of the presidential lockbox and ran to the Iron Throne (yes, that is what White House officials are forced to call his bathroom) and tweeted out that the FBI committed TREASON!

We can blame William Barr for this shit. That’s because the attorney general of the United States has not only assured the American public that he’s not America’s top cop but rather Trump’s enforcer. He’s the one who brought this fictitious bullshit back up during his Senate Appropriations Committee appearance—in which he was supposed to be talking about the Department of Justice’s 2020 budget—but instead Not-John Goodman’s twin brother casually dropped this bombshell: “I think spying did occur,” Barr said, though he declined to provide any evidence that caused his concern. “The question is whether it was...adequately predicated.”

Because of this radicalized statement without proof, the president has kicked up his spy-speech using the attorney general’s claims that his campaign was spied on in 2016. While the Justice Department did investigate possible ties between Trump’s campaign and Russia, there has been no proof that Trump’s campaign was ever spied on, the Daily Beast reports.

Trump’s latest outburst comes after Barr announced he will be appointing a U.S. attorney to review the origins of the Russia investigation, because Barr will do anything to please his master.


Because it took White House aides almost an hour to get Trump off of the Iron Throne, Trump continued his morning missives which, of course, included Hillary Clinton’s emails.


Trump was referencing House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-N.Y.) who has launched a wide-ranging probe looking into Trump and members of his family. Of course, Trump made time to bash the media as “fake news” for reporting that the country is on the verge of war with Iran.


Oh, and because Trump yelled to his staffers, “you will have to pry this phone from my cold, dead hands” before they burst through the bathroom door, he was able to send off one last tweet:


This one is easy, “Because, bitch, we, the FBI, didn’t know if your ass was in on it, too!”

Just got word that the president’s phone has been locked back in the presidential lock box and he’s been given his favorite liver and dragon-toenail cookies while true president Stephen Miller rubs the back of his head and tries to get Trump’s breathing back to normal.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.


The Sovereign

How does one acid wash emails? Is that the same thing as acid washed jeans? She made her emails stylish in the early aughts?

Stop giving him amphetamines. It's the only time he's productive (for him).