There Must Be Pee-Pee Tapes: Why Else Would Trump Be So in Love With Putin?

So now news has emerged that the president of rich white interests inside the United States slid over to Russian President Vladimir Putin’s lunch table during the G-20 summit to see if he wanted to hang out after school. I want you all to think clearly about this: While the sharks of Russian collusion are closing in, the president of the United States of NASCAR lovers can’t stop cozying up to the man whose country was involved in the hacking of America’s presidential election.

That’s right—the president of the people who shop at Abercrombie & Fitch can’t stop following the Russian president around the club like an obsessive dude who purchased Putin a drink and now believes that they go together.

He. Doesn’t. Get. It.

All of the intelligence services in the actual United States believe that Russia hacked America’s election, and this man wants to break bread with the man who leads Russia. He wants to talk cybersecurity with him. He wants Putin to think he’s cute. He probably showed him all the cool moves he can do with a fidget spinner. He’s so pathetic. And while all of America, including the press he adores, is baffled by his behavior, he won’t stop.

When The Root staff learned that Trump had, in fact, had a second undisclosed meeting with Putin, Deputy Editor Genetta Adams noted that there was one thing, and one thing only, that must be driving Trump’s insistent need to swipe right for Russia: pee-pee tapes.

And I think she’s right. Initially I thought the rumors that Trump paid Russian prostitutes to urinate on the bed in which former President Barack Obama had reportedly slept was funny. Now I think it’s true. Putin must have something over Trump that is fueling this obsessive attraction to the leader of a country we don’t fuck with. Historically, the United States and Russia have rarely been friends, which this president doesn’t seem to understand. In fact, Trump isn’t even trying to hide his love for Putin, and at this point, he just needs to come out and say it.

Trump admitting that he has a thing for Putin would probably be less groundbreaking than the slow trickle of reports that amount to learning that Trump has stolen Papa Bannon’s car so that he could sit in front of Putin’s house to talk with him about love and stuff. They are together, and at this point, who are we to stop them? I think it’s time we accept that our president has a thing for the Russian leader and just work through our issues that we have around collusion. It’s here, it’s queer and we need to get over it.