The Jets Can't Even Lose Right, Dez Bryant Finally Sees the Light and Other Takeaways From Week 15 of the NFL

Wide receiver Dez Bryant #88 of the Baltimore Ravens celebrates following an 11-yard touchdown reception during the second quarter of their game against the Jacksonville Jaguars at M&T Bank Stadium on December 20, 2020 in Baltimore, Maryland.
Wide receiver Dez Bryant #88 of the Baltimore Ravens celebrates following an 11-yard touchdown reception during the second quarter of their game against the Jacksonville Jaguars at M&T Bank Stadium on December 20, 2020 in Baltimore, Maryland.
Photo: Todd Olszewski (Getty Images)

There was football this weekend? Oh. Let’s get to it.

The Jets Had One Job

The worst kept secret on planet Earth is that Trevor Lawrence, the best quarterback prospect since Andrew Luck, will be the No. 1 overall pick in the 2021 NFL Draft. This means that if you’re the Jets, Jaguars, or any other organization whose proven themselves incapable of putting together a competent roster, your job was to lose as many games as humanly possible this season in order to give yourself the best possible odds of scratching your lotto ticket and winning the Trevor Lawrence sweepstakes.

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For 14 consecutive weeks, the Jets had it in the bag. With Adam Gase—the human embodiment of white privilege—at the helm, the Jets turned in embarrassing performance after embarrassing performance as they hoped and prayed for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There was a 36-7 blowout against the Colts, a brutal shutout against the Dolphins, and that time Gregg Williams courageously fell on the sword to keep New York’s winless streak intact.

So entering Sunday’s game against the Rams with a 0-13 record, it was a foregone conclusion that Sean McVay and them were gonna wipe the floor with Gang Green. But alas...

“Not so fast!” said fate.

The Jets actually played like they gave a fuck—while collecting Frank Gore’s 100th career touchdown—and New York miraculously somehow prevailed over the playoff-bound Rams.

While I’m sure Sam Darnold and the rest of the team were overjoyed with relief, Jets owner Woody Johnson was probably off somewhere pounding Zoloft and hurling chairs into oncoming traffic. Because by winning on Sunday, it very well might’ve cost them that No. 1 draft pick—and more importantly, Trevor Lawrence. Per ESPN’s Power Football Index, the Jets now only have a 29 percent chance to pick first in the draft. While the Jaguars, who are equally inept with their own 1-13 record, are sitting pretty at 71 percent.

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Bruhhhhhhh, was it worth it?

X Marks the Spot

Since being unceremoniously dismissed by the Cowboys in 2018, it’s been a brutal couple of years for former Pro-Bowler Dez Bryant. He suffered an Achilles tear to a body already ravaged by injuries, and prior to signing with the Ravens in November, he had been wasting his life away on Twitter like everybody else.

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But after a COVID-19 scare kept him from exacting his revenge against the Cowboys earlier this month, Dez caught an 11-yard pass from Lamar Jackson and scored his first touchdown since Dec. 10, 2017. And you already know how he celebrated:

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By crossing his arms to form his signature “X”.

After Baltimore’s 40-14 win against the Jags, you know Dez had plenty to say about his triumphant return to the end zone too.

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“The meaning is to X out the negative, to truly never give up and beat the odds and destroy adversity,” Bryant told reporters. “That’s what it means. That’s why I do it. Me throwing up the X and the world seeing it, it makes me feel good.”

Jackson knew what that moment meant for Dez, too.

“We wanted to do that against Dallas, me and Marquise [Brown] were talking about that, and it just happened today,” he said. “I’m happy he was the one throwing it up before we did. Like you said, three years, that’s incredible he came back, got open on a broken-down play and he did the rest. Hat’s off to him.”

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After all of the adversity that he’s faced, I gotta clap it up for Dez proving he still has something left in the tank.

The Patriots Are Done, Son

On the same day that Baker Mayfield balled out and helped propel the Browns to their first 10-win season since 2007, the Patriots got punched in the mouth by the Dolphins and will miss the playoffs for the first time since 2008.

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Look at God.

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So what does Tom Brady, the guy who Bill Belicheat shoved out the door, think about this shocking development?

“They have their own thing going,” Brady told reporters after his Bucs beat the Falcons. “I’ve really been focused on how my play needs to be at quarterback, the execution I need. They’re not really an opponent of mine.”

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“Obviously I have a lot of friends there, a lot of great relationships, but they’ve been focused on what they need to do and I’ve been trying to focus on what my job is. [...] I wish everybody the best all the time. I don’t ever wish for anyone to not perform at their best.”

Translation: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Who Balled Out

Kyler Murray went ape shit and Jalen Hurts became the first rookie quarterback in Eagles history to score four total TDs, but did you see what Derrick Henry did?! AGAIN?!

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Lord Jesus.

See y’all next week.

DISCUSSION

By
TheBlightOfGrey

I’m an atheist. So there’s no way “God” had anything to do with the Patriots demise. On the other hand I am thinking of going to church next Sunday to give thanks.