And then there were eight.
Of all the kale-eating, MAGA-sapiens who let their white so shine among men so that we may see their evil works, eight have managed to claw their way to the bottom. Eight competitors have set themselves apart by defeating their opponents in our free-for-all, head-to-head competition that seeks to crown the worst of the wypipo.
This year’s tournament has seen some stunning upsets. None of our No. 1 seeds are left and many of the Las Vegas bookmakers’ heaviest betting favorites have fallen by the wayside. Even though some of the shocking results seem improbable, the choice is ultimately up to you. It is your vote that counts. Here are the updated results.
For the sake of transparency, we must alert our readers that The Root has received reports that a certain contingent of Avocado-Americans we’re choosing not to mention (let’s just say it rhymes with “salt-white”) have been urging their followers to sabotage this tournament by voting for unlikely winners.
While that might not seem fair, The Root trusts the democratic process. We do not believe in voter suppression and would never ban anyone from voting because of their race, creed or lack of color. We know that the history of wypipo voting is filled with injustices like illegal poll tests when white people were forced to season a leg quarter before they could vote in the 1943 Wypipo Tournament.
In fact, the Alabama State Troopers team won the 1965 Wypipo Tournament for attacking civil rights marchers on the Edmund Pettus Bridge. I’m pretty sure they call it “Bloody Sunday” because of all the law enforcement officers who scratched their knuckles while beating nonviolent protesters with sticks and bats wrapped in barbed wire.
While the results may have been affected by a coordinated vote-meddling scheme that we have been alerted about, we have decided to stand by our official results. Even if some people question the legitimacy of this year’s tournament, it would take an extraordinarily small amount of resources to prevent this from happening again, so we have decided to do nothing about it.
Police Callers Finals
Permit Patty faces Father 911 in the finals of the police-caller category, which is almost like a metaphor for the history of wypipo in America.
History is rife with Permit Patties. It began long before Alison Ettel called the police on a little black girl for selling water outside of Ettel’s San Francisco apartment building. Carolyn Bryant-Donham was a Permit Patty. Black Wall Street was burned down because a Permit Patty called the cops on 19-year-old Dick Rowland. If you take away gender, Alton Sterling and Eric Garner died because Permit Patties were concerned about their CD hocking and loosie cigarette-selling.
And there is always someone like Father 911 who compounds black pain. George Zimmerman still says Trayvon Martin attacked him. Mike Brown was branded as an armed robber even though it had nothing to do with his death.
But it’s up to you to decide who is worse.
Official White People Finals
The Official White People category boasts two standouts from 2018.
A list of Jeff Sessions’ 2018 accomplishments:
- He rolled back Obama administration guidelines encouraging college diversity.
- He implemented a religious freedom task force.
- He reinstituted the war on marijuana.
- He reminded sheriff’s deputies not to forget their “Anglo-American heritage.”
- He joked about separating immigrants from their children.
- He said Trump’s immigration policy was the will of God.
- He cut a program that investigates police department shortcomings.
- He ignored vote-tampering.
- He targeted “Black Identity Extremists.”
A list of Mitch McConnell’s 2018 accomplishments:
- He defended Trump’s Supreme Court nomination months before midterms after shelving Obama’s SCOTUS nominee months before the 2016 election.
- He is slowly dismantling Obamacare.
- He silences any dissent against Trump.
- He was silent on Trump’s “shithole countries” comment.
- He passed tax breaks for the wealthy.
- He continued to bear a strong resemblance to the prime suspect in the ongoing investigation of who stole Christmas.
Public Displays of Whiteness Finals
Tomi Lahren is the lone member of Bloviating, Emptyheaded, Crying, Kale-eating Yacubians (BECKY) left in the tournament. But can she win the title based on her antics of shading Maxine Waters, Colin Kaepernick, Barack Obama and Latrina Bradley? (Latrina is my cousin, who has never been mentioned by Lahren but should be included since Tomi hates anything black.)
Lahren has her hands full with her fellow conservative Sean Hannity. If this matchup were based on head size, Hannity would be the runaway winner, but his lies-per-minute might be eclipsed by Lahren. We would list them all here to compare them, but we don’t have the bandwidth.
White Feminists have made a surprisingly strong stand this year if you don’t count the fact that white women make a strong stand every year. While white men are usually heralded for their shenanigans, very few people point out white feminist’s contributions to the history of wypipo.
They sat on the porch sipping mint juleps and pointed lynch mobs in the direction of prospective strange fruit. They stole #MeToo and made it about them. They became the symbols for resistance organizing the biggest protest in the history of this country in response to
segregation, police brutality, inequality, injustice, Donald Trump.
But white feminists face the Koch brothers’ incredibly well-funded team which has bankrolled white supremacist professors, history lessons for millions of students and the entire American political system. Can white women defeat old, rich, white men? It’s a tall order, but this may be the first time in history where white feminists have an actual chance to topple the patriarchy.
Voting for the 4th round ends on Thursday at 11:59 p.m. EDT. Be sure to vote so that the tournament reflects the will of the people. We would also like to remind you that felons are allowed to vote and photo identification is not necessary.
See you in the Final Four!