Illustration for article titled Jeff Sessions Joked About Separating Migrant Children From Their Loved Ones Because He’s Jeff Sessions
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

My next-door neighbor ran over a snake once, and that snake stayed in the middle of the street until it finally became a part of the road. For months I walked past this snake wondering if there was someone I could call about coming to pick it up. In the days of passing by said dead snake, my questions became more existential: Did the snake have feelings? Did the snake have a soul? Did the snake vote Republican? Was he in favor of separating migrant children at the U.S. border?


I’ve never wondered any of these things about Attorney General Jeff Sessions, since I already know that he doesn’t have a soul or feelings. I know where he stands on issues of civil rights, and it’s because of him that migrant children are being separated from their parents at the southern U.S. border because of his “zero tolerance” policy.

So it isn’t shocking that during a speech at the Criminal Justice Legal Foundation, Sessions, aka King Keebler Klansman, aka Big Little Fella, aka Weed Hitler, made a joke about separating migrant children from their families because he’s trash.


“We hear views on television today that are on the lunatic fringe, frankly. And what is perhaps more galling is the hypocrisy,” Sessions said, HuffPost reports. “These same people live in gated communities, many of them, and are featured at events where you have to have an ID to even come in and hear them speak.”

He continued, “They like a little security around themselves. And if you try to scale their fence, believe me, they’ll be only too happy to have you arrested and separated from your children.”


Cue canned laugh track!

Sessions went on to add:

They want borders in their lives, but not yours and not the American people’s lives. And that’s why the American people are sick of the lip service and the hypocrisy. They are sick of the politicians who abandon their promises as soon as the mainstream media criticizes them. They’ve seen it for decades. And now they are supporting a president who is on their side.


Jeff Sessions, everyone! Make sure you try the ran-over snake meat.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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