Adult film actress/director Stormy Daniels attends the 2018 Adult Video News Awards at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino on January 27, 2018 in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Photo: Ethan Miller (Getty Images)

While The Root will not be paid for this advertisement, as a service to our readers, we would like to suggest this keyboard cleaner perfect for cleaning the cookies you are about to toss onto your computer after reading this article.

Porn actress Stormy Daniels has a new book. Her new book is about growing up in Idaho, her work to become the Idahoan physiological anthropologist with an emphasis on how the body adapts to mankind, and her quest for the Nobel Peace Prize.

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Sike—Daniels’ book is really about the president’s penis. Fine, Daniels’ book Full Disclosure is also about Trump trying to woo her by assuring her a spot on his reality TV show, The Apprentice, and telling her how he could help her cheat to stay on the show. Which, we all know was just a ploy to show her his penis.

“‘And we can devise your technique,’” she claims Trump said. “He was going to have me cheat, and it was 100 percent his idea.”

Daniels also notes that her 2006 one-night stand with the reality-star-turned-reality-denier in the Oval Office, kind of makes her gag when she thinks back about it.

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She claims that for years after their encounter, she’d see him on TV and think, “I had sex with that … Eech.”

Daniels, like the rest of us who weren’t aware that Russia was totally manipulating the election, was shocked to learn that Trump had won the 2016 GOP nomination.

“It will never happen, I would say,” she writes in disbelief that Trump might win the White House, The New York Post reports. “He doesn’t even want to be president.”

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Daniels was paid $130,000 by Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen, allegedly to keep her affair with the president a secret. Daniels reportedly signed a nondisclosure agreement that would prevent her from discussing how she smacked Trump on his bare untanned ass with a rolled-up Forbes magazine. While Trump has denied the affair, which totally happened, he admitted to reimbursing Cohen.

And now to the piece de resistance, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Hold onto your cookies. For some reason, Daniels thought that America really needed to know what the president’s penis looked like in extreme detail. And if I had to read it, guess what? You’ve got to read it, too.

Daniels says his penis is “smaller than average,” but “not freakishly small.”

“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels claims. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…

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“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart …

“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion,” Daniels continues.

Boom!

Now you can sleep well knowing exactly what the presidential penne looks like. The book comes out Oct. 2 and no need to thank me, this is why I’m here. I’m really just a vessel.

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Also, here is a pack of vomit bags that will not only securely hold the cookies you are tossing but can also fit that Mario Kart game you are tossing as well.

There are only 50, though. I hope that’s enough.

You’re welcome.