For centuries, some of America’s most distinguished public figures have averted criticism of prejudice and bigotry by conducting amateur psychological exams on themselves and declaring to the world that they “don’t have a racist bone in their body.” The list of people who have proclaimed themselves to be racism bone-free includes President Donald Trump, former Vice President Joe Biden, and former House Speaker Paul Ryan.
Recent advances in prejudice technology have finally given scientists the ability to identify the racism bone, revealing that many of the previously accepted self-diagnoses may not be medically sound. Epidemiologists are now scrambling to come up with a vaccine for bone bigotry, but until the FDA approves the antidote, The Root would like to provide our readers with this summary of everything we know so far about racism bone disease.
Congenital Osteowypiposis is a communicable disease that affects nearly 53 percent of white women and more than 62 percent of white males. Although the disorder is known as the “racist bone,” the disease actually infects the marrow, the cartilage, and tendons, spreading quickly to all parts of the body. The malady causes a blackening of the heart and a deterioration of the brain that results in severe delusion, the desire to say the n-word in retail stores, chronic apathy and an allergic reaction to people with melanin in their skin. Because of how the disease affects the brain’s cerebral cortex, most sufferers of skeletal racism truly believe they aren’t affected, even when the disease is in its most severe states.
While the disease is mostly found in people who wear flip-flops in the winter, in some instances, black men can contract the ailment, usually by announcing that they have “gifted hands” or marrying a Kardashian. Black women seem to be immune to the disease, although scientists note that there are rare cases called “Diamond and Silk Cell Anemia” where black women have been afflicted.
Scientists believe the contagion comes from an airborne virus that is spread through repeated contact with others who carry the pathogen. Many of the people stricken with Osteowypiposis acquired it during the early part of their lives before most children’s immune systems develop the antibodies necessary to fight the virus. Undiagnosed carriers of the disease often unknowingly infect family members, friends, and co-workers.
Unlike most diseases, skeletal racism can be spread over the internet, via television and even through phone lines. Sites like Reddit, Breitbart, Horse Twitter, and White Facebook can infect visitors instantaneously. Fox News’ lineup is essentially a Petrie dish for the racist bone virus.
Bone-deep racism isn’t limited to conservatives. Other high-risk factors activities include:
- Playing Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto online
- Listening to Candace Owens
- Losing a job, promotion or admission to college to a black person
- Living in Alabama
- Having the name “Tucker”
- Voting Republican
- Managing Starbucks
- Attending Taylor Swift concerts
- Having a career in law enforcement
- Finding out that black kids will attend school with your children
- Feeling “unsafe”
- Seeing a black person break park cookout rules, sidewalk vendor rules or any pool-related edict.
- Being white
The disturbing part about the illness is that the bone-ified racists can never admit that they are infected. In fact, one of the telltale signs of the condition is that, when asked, victims will always announce that they don’t have a racist bone in their body or some other assurance that they have not contracted the virus. However, all of the available research indicates that there has never been a case of a racist who was aware of their racism until the disease had metastasized into its incurable, late-stage form known as the “Trumpian Stage.”
In fact, it is virtually impossible for a bigot to self-identify his sickness because they aren’t the ones who are affected by acts of discrimination. Dumb people never think they are dumb, and racists never think they are racist. That’s just science.
Aside from the infected person’s insistence that they are prejudice-free, there are six common identifiers shared by most bone bigots:
- The invisible black friend. In the early stages, the infected will insist that “one of their best friends is black.” It’s always just one friend, and you will never meet their imaginary negro comrade.
- They voted for Obama: Scientists have just recognized this new symptom and note that white people will never tell you who they voted for unless it’s Barack Obama, despite the fact that whites voted overwhelmingly for Obama’s opponent in 2008 and 2012. And, in our research, we have never found an instance of anyone bragging to a white person: “I voted for Bush ... twice.”
- The bootstrap delusion: In almost every test case, patients developed a narcissistic fantasy that everything they accomplished was due to their effort, intelligence, and high morals. Consequently, they begin to assume that non-white communities have been left behind because they don’t focus on education, family, hard work and Christian values. Eventually, the bone-headedness makes the person so visually impaired that they can’t see the effects of historical discrimination, institutional prejudice or white supremacy in general.
- They did something for black people that has a lot of prepositional adverbs: They worked in the upper-tier of an inner-city after-school program that focused on underprivileged youth who are over-represented in the lower level of the school-to-prison pipeline.
- They are allergic to talking about race: Sufferers often develop an acute allergic reaction to discussing slavery, reparations, Jim Crow, lynchings, the racial wealth gap or any form of systematic inequality. Bringing up these topics will induce a reflexive response of them asking why “everything has to be about race,” followed by the infected individual lamenting about people “playing the race card.” The only way they can alleviate this particular symptom is by insisting that they know what Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted.
- They know all the euphemisms for racism: They aren’t racist, they’re just a socially conservative, economically anxious, white, working-class, mainstream American patriot who respects traditional values, western culture, Southern heritage, law and order, small government, individual liberty, hard work, religious freedom, the Constitution, the troops and—most of all—the flag.
To find out if you have racist bones in your body, you must consult a professional who specializes in wypiopology. Oftentimes, other white people misdiagnose the disease after noticing that they share symptoms with the patient.
A skilled wypipologist will run you through a battery of tests that includes—but is not limited to—asking how you would feel if your offspring dated a black person, asking you to record how many times your relatives said the n-word at Thanksgiving or simply uttering the phrase “black lives matter” and asking, on a scale of one to ten, how badly you wanted to respond: “All lives matter.”
Just as white people cannot diagnose this malady, they also cannot determine how it should be treated. If it were left up to them, the cure for racism would consist of a series of lunchtime diversity seminars, a weekend retreat, and a prepared apology written by a public relations team that still allows them to keep their job, political seat or admission to Harvard.
While doctors haven’t produced a pill that prevents skeletal racism, researchers are developing a prolonged treatment that includes acknowledging facts, learning history, and coming to grips with the reality of whiteness in America.
There is no known cure for racism so, as usual, prevention is the best cure.
Because it is one of the oldest diseases in America, people afflicted with bone racism are not shunned by society. In fact, some of America’s most heralded figures have proudly flaunted their white supremacy while perpetuating the idea that they didn’t have a racist bone in their body. The list spans historically from slave rapist Thomas Jefferson to purveyor of white nationalism, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa).
Although the virus does not infect the digestive system, I am still conducting research on a potential therapy for emergency situations that involves someone slapping the shit out of racists.
Results are promising, but we need to run more tests.