Then-GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump reacts as his son Barron Trump looks on at the end of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland on July 21, 2016. (Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

I think at this point it’s no longer speculation or conjecture or mean-spiritedness to call President Donald Trump an asshole. He is an asshole. He knows it, his staff knows it, his supporters know it. And I think one of his best traits is being an asshole—an unabashed, unashamed asshole.

Trump is the physical embodiment of the song “Despacito.” “Despacito” is an asshole. It’s a song that hates us all and yet is loved by many, and I don’t know one person who has downloaded or listened to it fully with admiration. Today it was nominated for a Grammy, proving that assholes stay winning.

In typical asshole fashion, the president has taken to Twitter, as assholes generally do, to announce that he’s meeting with “Chuck and Nancy”—aka House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Senate Minority Leader Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.)—and that he doesn’t see a deal happening that will avoid a government shutdown.


Let’s examine this tweet to prove that Trump is “Despacito,” indeed. I must admit that I don’t know what despacito means, but I assume it means assholes that wear wide-leg True Religion jeans, mesh trucker hats and Von Dutch-style T-shirts, which is basically another way of saying “major asshole.”

First, “Chuck and Nancy” is mad asshole-y, not because he called them “Chuck and Nancy” as if they were a lounge singing group, but because he put the phrase in quotes. We all know that quotes are the language of the asshole. It’s the emphasis that clearly states, “Hey, look at what I’m doing to their names.” It’s the kind of thing that only an asshole would do.

Second, he’s lying. In fact, the president is a liar, which is a whole other story that will be written before the end of the year, but for the sake of proving he’s an asshole, let’s just stick to the lie in the tweet. “Chuck and Nancy” don’t want soft borders, they just don’t believe in increasing taxes to pay for a dumbass wall that no one wants except Trump supporters who are major “despacitos,” which I assume means khaki- and “MAGA”-hat-wearing, tiki-torch-carrying, goofy-haircut-getting assholes.


Lastly, nothing says asshole like random capitalization. The only thing more annoying than random caps, or all caps, is Comic Sans font. I probably shouldn’t be putting this in print, but when I’m on my passive-aggressive despacitos shit, I Comic Sans all over the place. Using random caps doesn’t just denote that the president might be a highly functioning third-grader, it proves that he’s an asshole.

Lastly-lastly, what the hell does he expect to come from a meeting about which he announces on social media that nothing will come from said meeting? That’s a really mature way to president, and shows that being an asshole is really the president’s full-time job.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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