President Pee-Pee Won’t Be Throwing the 1st Pitch on Opening Day Because He Has Tiny Fingers and Hates America

Alex Wong/Getty Images
Alex Wong/Getty Images

If you ever had any doubt that President Vladimir TrumPutin was an un-American shit bag, look no further: The deal-maker who has made no deals since riding Russia’s wave into the White House has turned down the Washington Nationals’ offer to throw out the first pitch on opening day.


The good people over at Sporting News got to the bottom of rumors that President Pee-Pee might take his tiny fingers off his Twitter keyboard and wrap them around a baseball. But, alas, he won’t hear the rousing boos from Nationals fans because he won’t be doing it.

Throwing a baseball on opening day is kind of a rite of presidential passage and something you do because you know it’s America, and in America we do shit like this and it means something.

Big somethings!

America was built on racism, the backs of black people, apple pie, stealing shit made by black people and baseball, and how dare President Vladimir TrumPutin turn his back on America!

Unless, of course, there is a Russian-whore convention coming to town this week; then I totally get it, and he gets a pass. Look, I know that TrumPutin claims there is a schedule conflict, but that is what I say when I don’t want to meet up with friends. It’s a catchall that says, “Damn, man, I totally would if I could, but I’ve got this thing.”

This would have been a moment, and a memorable moment in a rather shitty start to president-ing.


I mean, who could forget President Barack Obama’s sweet mom jeans during his first pitch at the MLB All-Star Game at Busch Stadium on July 14, 2009, in St. Louis?

Elsa/Getty Images
Elsa/Getty Images

Just look at the wide leg on those bad boys! Some things you can’t unsee.

Read more at the Sporting News.



Baseball is “America’s favorite pastime.” Donald Trump hates and fears America. I bet he can’t even touch a baseball without it causing him pain! IT BURNS!!!!!

It’s like how they added the words “under God” to the pledge of allegiance to root out the Commies during the 50s - or how they’d make women accused of witchcraft in the 15th Century recite the Lord’s prayer!

I bet splashing Trump with a Bud Light would be like throwing holy water on a vampire.