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Of Course, the GOP Convention Is Heading to the End of America’s Digestive Tract

Illustration for article titled Of Course, the GOP Convention Is Heading to the End of America’s Digestive Tract
Photo: SAUL LOEB (Getty Images)

Florida is the asshole of America.

So it is fitting that the gathering of assholes may happen in the one place that is so strange that it is a game to look up “Florida man” and your birthday to see what ridiculous crime you land on.

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I’m “Thong-wearing Florida man arrested while building shed with garbage on stranger’s property.”

After North Carolina officials told President Trump that they couldn’t endorse a packed arena because of the coronavirus and all, the huffy president is taking his convention to Jacksonville, Fla.—or at least, that’s the rumor.

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According to the Washington Post, “Republicans have tentatively settled on Jacksonville, Fla., as the new destination for the premier festivities of the Republican National Convention in August, according to three Republican officials briefed on the plans.”

While details are still being figured out, the scuttlebutt is that they will have baby goat intestines and shaved dung beetles the size of Texas as apps for the guests. They are still trying to figure out if Jacksonville has enough hotels to host the event, but it surely has enough meth. The president—being the king of “everyone come massage my nether regions while telling me how much you love me,” which is reportedly called “Pulling a Sen. Lindsey Graham”—insisted on hosting a large convention-style announcement for his campaign and North Carolina was like, “Nah, we good.”

The Post notes that smaller meetings will still take place in Charlotte, but, “those smaller meetings are intended to honor the RNC’s contractual obligation to hold its convention in North Carolina and shield the party from lawsuits for moving the large events elsewhere.”

Basically, Trump wants to be praised as he accepts the party’s nomination and he can’t let the coronavirus stand in the way.

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“I don’t want to be sitting in a place that’s 50 percent empty,” Trump told North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper (D) late last month in a phone conversation, sources told the Post.

“We can’t do social distancing,” Trump said on the call.

Cooper told Trump (or at least, this is how I imagine he told him), “Bitch, are you tripping? We can’t have a group of people in a place like that, as some 20,000 people could get sick!”

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Trump responded: “But what about me? What about what I want?”

Cooper, whom the Post notes is up for reelection, asked Republican officials to provide a safety protocol plan and they responded with some bullshit about testing, aggressively sanitizing the lips of those who would be kissing the president’s ass during this time and buses to transport important people, but they didn’t really offer specifics.

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So with that, they are reportedly taking the show to the great country of Florida where you only have to be white, have an American flag headpiece, a beer cozy and you’re immediately welcomed.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

America’s asshole? Nonsense. Florida is clearly America’s wang. I guess Jacksonville is the taint. Am I wrong for wanting to send a few people with COVID-19 to this convention and tell them to chant and cheer loudly and often and shake as many hands as possible?

On my birthday, apparently a naked Florida man in a Publix parking lot kicked trash cans and jumped on and punched cars while screaming “I only had one beer!”