During a recent trip to McAllen, Texas, the president of people who boil meat appeared to have an adhesive bandage on his right hand. Blood was visible underneath the bandage and POLITICO notes that his hand appeared to have the same bandage on it Monday.
Armchair medics studying photos that circulated online this week leapt to dramatic conclusions. But the White House said on Tuesday that Trump sustained the injury while playing with his 12-year-old son. “The President was having fun and joking around with his son Barron and scratched his hand,” White House press secretary Sarah Sanders told POLITICO.
So, we at The Root have decided that we will add our voices to the growing number of those playing armchair doctors and offer our diagnoses as to what caused the bloody hand injury to the president of people who dock their sunglasses on the bills of their camouflage baseball caps.
I would like to note that this obviously where Satan steals the leftover remnants of the president’s soul. This happens in the evenings after the president has downloaded his personal musings onto Twitter and has settled into his coffin lined with the rotted baby goat intestines. Obviously.
One half of the Very Smart Brothers, Panama Jackson believes that this is clearly a razor injury.
“He switched razors from Gillette ever since the ‘controversial’ ad aired and he cut himself using his Dollar Shave Club replacement trying to figure out how to use it.”
Staff Writer Anne Branigin notes that the injury could’ve come from him biting “into his hand while trying to down a hamberder.”
Managing Editor Genetta Adams also believes that this is an obvious food-related injury.
“He scrapped his hand on the Pringles can trying to get those last chips, instead of pouring them out like a normal person.”
Staff Writer Michael Harriot believes that the marking is the leftover traces from “where he gets his intravenous injection of liquified kittens.” Either that or: “He cut it breaking the glass during a series of unreported late-night Taco Bell robberies trying to get the money from Mexico to pay for the wall.”
Or, “He pierced his palms with nails trying to prove, like Christ, he was being unfairly crucified.”
Or, “he got jumped into the Klan.”
Clearly, “It’s the mark of the beast.”